Divorced from Sons Dad, Missing my son

[oliversmummy21]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post and I really need some advice.

My son is 15 months old, I got divorcesd from my son's father when my son was a year old. I have since found a lovely guy who worshipd my son and we live togther. Alternate weekends my ex has my son from Friday after nursery until Monday when he drops him off at nursery and I pick him up on a Monday evening.

My issue is im lost without my son, I feel like I grieve when I've not got him. His father doesn't want to share or tell me what they do, so I never know what he's up to. My new partner keeps me busy taking me out/ renovating our new home etc. But nothing seems to help. I have a good job as an area manager and have applied to reduce my days down to 4 a week, but it was declined, so I have appealed, so I'm am juSt awaiting a date for my appeal to be heard, which isnt helping matters.

I cry myself to sleep and then can be crabby and angry during the day, which isn't healthy for my new relationship. I really struggle being at work because all I can think about is my little boy.

Has anyone else had this experience, how did you cope? I've had a melt down today and seriously thinking about paying my gp a visit as I'm at a loss with how to cope. Since getting divorced my friendship group has dwindled and I don't have any close relationships with any friends or family. Hence why I've come here for advice.

Thanks in advance xx

[dangermouseisace]

Hi OP

I've not got much advice sorry. But your ex is being completely unreasonable in not telling you what they get up to when your son is with him. Your son is only tiny, so is not able to tell you himself. It's pretty normal to have some sort of handover with whatever caregiver has had them after they've been away from you- whether that is nursery, childminder, parent etc.

I get the grief thing. I'm halfway through a divorce, and usually (when I'm well) I really, really miss my kids when they are with him, and feel sad that I don't get to see them as much as I'd like. I don't have any solutions, but I find it helps to plan things that I definitely cannot do with the kids around for when they are not here. It sounds like you are doing that to an extent though. Would be it be possible to work on extending your social circle when you've not got the kids? Often there are local Meetup groups of other people wanting to be social/do particular activities too.

[BrainSaysNo]

When you hand over, could you give your ex a quick handover of what you have been doing since he last had you son?
I'm hoping this may prompt him to do the same?

[oliversmummy21]

Thanks to you both,

I understand the communication with caregivers, I recieve such amazing diarised feedback from nursery, then nothing from my ex partner. I always tell him what we've been up to....tell him about my son's development, text him if we go on holiday, send him pics (only of my son) and he told me he doesn't want to see it all, I think from fear of jealousy as I've moved on and he hasn't, well that's the only reason I can think of anyway. I will speak to him again and see if we can come up with something. His communication is just simply poor and I suppose part of the reason for me leaving him.

I definitely need to get out more and do things for me (excercise etc) but always find house chores etc to do instead, i must make more of an effort.

I do feel very isolated and I have lost a lot of self confidence, so I understand that im just in a vicious circle that I need to break.

Thanks for your advice, it's greatly appreciated.

[BrainSaysNo]

Hope things look up for you soon

[dangermouseisace]

I guess maybe he finds it hard to have concrete reminders that you have a life without him. It's all very well saying that he doesn't want photos etc- that's ok, but it is important to know about his development and for you to know what is going on. Could he email something brief..like- X ate well, we went to the park/hung out at home, went to bed fine but had me up at 2am or whatever. After all, it's only until he's old enough to tell you most of it himself. Even then, exH still tells me if there is anything he feels is important. After all, it's meant to be the whole co-parenting thing…and you can't co-parent effectively if one part is not communicating at all!!

I've been told by MH team that although there are chores (I've got loads as house needs lots done to it) it is apparently important to do nice things for yourself as well. I've been doing a thing of chores/housework til X time then slobbing in front of TV/going to running club etc. I find it difficult to do things for myself that aren't timetabled…like I find it hard to go for a run by myself, but running club is on at a certain time each week so off I go...