Awake again at 3am, feel completely alone

[Missingme]

I have a beautiful 8-month old girl. She is a precious, much-wanted baby. But I am a mess and I can't talk to anyone about it. I've been waking up at around 3/4am for ages now, negative feelings going round and round in my head, unable to go to sleep and eventually just coming downstairs and crying. I have been depressed before but with an amazing GP and ADs I got it under control and had started to live again. Then me and my partner got back together, got married and had our dd, and now the tears and anger and frustration are all coming back. I don't know what to do. I can't talk to any of my friends, I don't want to upset my parents because they were so worried last time, and my dh tries but can't really understand the emotions involved as he doesn't do emotion. I feel desperate. I don't want my dd to grow up with a depressed mother, and I miss the fun, lively, optimistic and energetic person I used to be. I feel completely alone with this, can't tell a soul.

[swoosh]

Oh honey, I am so sorry.

I understand completely how you feel as I'm going through a similar time myself.

Please, see your GP. Your dd doesn't have to live with a depressed mother - you can be the person you used to be. You can get through this.

I tend to be very private about feelings like this (hence name change) and don't tell anyone. If you want to chat, I'll probably be around for a while or you can CAT me.

You are not alone - I know it feels that way, but really, you are not.

{{hugs}}

[Missingme]

Thank you for writing so quickly! It's such a relief just to be able to say this to someone. I can't even tell my best friends, have to show that I'm ok, coping, loving being a mum, doing all the things I want to be with my life. When instead I feel like a complete let-down, that I try so endlessly hard so why can't I be happy? Want so much for my dd and just feel like I'm letting her down already and she's so tiny.

[Missingme]

Meant to say - sorry you're going through something similar. Can you discuss it?

[swoosh]

Oh, I know what it's like not to tell anyone. NO-ONE knows how I feel - I go out, put a smile on and pretend that everything is ok. And they believe me. And then I feel even more alone.

This tells you a tiny bit about me. I can't really say much on here because I am easily identifiable. See... even on an anonymous forum, I am making myself more anonymous so that the very few people I know on MN won't realise this is me...

[swoosh]

And you're not letting your DD down. You obviously love her and that is what she needs. The fact that you have posted this, means that you want to sort this out.

And you can. Honest (although it's not easy and not much fun).

[Missingme]

So the GP helped you? I just know that if I go I'll be feeling really fine and won't be able to talk about it and really get across this horrible feeling. My dh makes me feel as though I'm weak for feeling this way - he doesn't say that but that's how I feel. I look at myself:

• nice middle class girl
  
• loads of opportunities in life
  
• good, well-paid job
  
• intelligent, good at lots of things
  
• beautiful, happy baby girl
  
  So why do I feel utterly crap about myself, have no confidence, get angry with people for no real reason and can't get away from this endless feeling that I'm no good?

[Missingme]

Just read my last post back and can imagine people thinking I'm pathetic. There are people in much worse situations than I am. I sound like I'm whingeing, but I feel completely alone and desperate.

[swoosh]

Yes, the GP did help me. I wasn't feeling too bad when I went (apart from shaking because I was so nervous - I knew I needed help & wanted help but I wasn't convinced she would be supportive) but I copied down the list of things I wrote on that thread and read it before I went in. My main reason for going was to get counselling - I have felt this way before and want to be able to cope with the feelings. I don't want to be on ADs. I want to appreciate my DS and all the things I do have.

I think you feel the way you do because you are depressed. It's horrible. You can't explain it or justify it and that makes it worse. I wish I could say something to make you feel better.

[swoosh]

You don't sound pathetic at all. You sound like you are very unhappy.

There will always be people in worse situations but that doesn't matter. What is important is how you feel. And when you have lots of things to be thankful for and you appreciate what you have yet still feel desperately unhappy, you need some help.

Don't try to deal with this by yourself...please. You don't have to do that.

[Missingme]

Just having you reply to my messages has made me feel better. I can't bear the idea of being depressed again - I've been through it before and it almost finished me off. Now I've got my dd to worry about and I can't let her down, can't indlulge myself in feeling miserable, but also have less time to do the things that got me out of the hole before. I can't explain to friends, they wouldn't understand, would feel like I was being self-pitying. I will see the GP, can't live like this and burst into tears at the slightest little upset. Know that if I don't stop this it'll just become my normal way of living and that's a very depressing thought!

[Missingme]

Have to go back to bed. Am starting to dread nights as I know I'll be up at 3. Exhaustion is a horrible horrible thing. Thanks Swoosh for tonight.

[swoosh]

I could have written your last post...

I couldn't bear the thought of being depressed again - last time was awful. I nearly didn't make it. But now I have DS and being like that is just not an option. That is why I went to the GP. I had to do something.

This won't become your normal way of living.

Has anything happened to make you feel like this again?

[swoosh]

Goodnight hun x

[Missingme]

My dh and I had a big row a few weeks ago and never really resolved it. He still hasn't apologised for the things he said and I am left feeling angry at myself for being so weak, and angry at him for his selfishness. I don't know what else - the accumulation of not sleeping, the long long days not using my brain and feeling guilty for not loving every minute of my dd, a row with my mum the other day when I said some really hurtful things and upset her... I guess those are the main things. I also feel low about myself as a result of stuff that happened in the past, and when I get down again all those things resurface and make me feel crapper.

[swoosh]

Oh, poor you. You have an awful lot going on. Please don't be too hard on yourself.

I think I have similar problems to you - I have a lot to deal with in my life at the moment and all that tends to bring up memories of things I'd rather forget about and I end up dwelling on them and I feel worse... it's no fun, I know.

If you want to talk more, you can email me:

swooshing around at gmail dot com

(no gaps)

[Missingme]

Thanks Swoosh, might just do that. Prefer to keep this on the forums at the moment - feel odd emailing someone directly, please don't take it personally! Anyone else out there going through this? Am up again as you can see - tried to think of lots of positive things yesterday to help, no joy. Wake up and can only think of how trapped I feel and how negative about the future (I can't work out why thinking about a future with my dd makes me feel so happy and optimistic, and then I just come crashing down at the thought of the struggle ahead with myself, my dh, these feelings... The bottom line is, I feel like I have lost the real me, am a hypocrite and a fraud, that what I present is never what I truly was or truly could have been. Now I'm stuck pretending to be someone I'm not to the people I love the most, and it's alienating me from them. I'm so scared that I'm going to lose them completely if this goes on, but don't know how to stop it.

[Jennylee]

missingme being a mother can bring back up all sorts of feelings from the past, you need to get help from your gp , is there really no one in real life you could talk to? I hope you feel better and swoosh too, I have gone through it the past year too and as a result am up till this time most nights as trying to sleep is awful I think too much and get anxious and think morbid thoghts but in the day im fine, but I thought I would reply to you both as we are all awake looking at our pc screens, bit I'm going in a minute

[Missingme]

No-one tells you that do they? It's the emotional stuff I find hardest I think, the day-to-day mundane crap just becomes automatic after a while. Wish I had more emotional support from my dh - he doesn't do emotion, has enough hang-ups of his own from his family (which he would never admit to). Really don't feel able to talk to anyone I know because I just feel like I'm being weak, and that I made a big mistake, and that they'll be waiting for me to admit that all isn't hearts and flowers. I know that sounds horrible about my friends, but it's how I feel. This way is much easier!

Swoosh how are you feeling today?

[swoosh]

Hello,

I'm ok - not geat but not terrible either. Just muddling through really like I always do. I feel a bit 'flat' iykwim. I feel like I'm on a treadmill going through the motions of life but that my heart's not really in it...

I don't know if that makes sense.

I understand what you mean about your friends. I feel like my family are waiting for me to crumble, so I have to try even harder to be ok or at least pretend that I am.

Sorry I missed you jennylee.

[LAtyke]

Wish I could send you all a hug and make everything OK. I went through this with both dcs, and didn't tell anyone about it. I have no magic formula to make you feel better, only to say that magically it does get easier.

(I did start taking a magnesium supplement after a while though I seem to remember )

Hope someone more helpful posts soon. keep posting to each other though - a problem shared and all that. Was your health visitor any good - sometimes they have a good ear, and a soft shoulder.

[LAtyke]

Forgot to say - you do all know that you are great mums don't you?

Crappy hormones, mixed with sleep deprivation and chemical imbalances, get to everyone eventually . {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

[Missingme]

What I keep doing is looking at my dd laughing and smiling and tell myself that if I wasn't a good mum she wouldn't be doing that. My problem is that i don't think I'm a good person.

Swoosh I know that feeling very well, especially from last time. I hate to think of someone else feeling like that - it's like being physically alive but not alive alive isn't it. What did your GP say?

The HVs round here are rubbish by the way. I get more information from the internet and mums I chat to than from them. Wouldn't even begin to tell them how I'm feeling.

[swoosh]

You're doing the right thing, missingme - remembering that your dd is laughing because you are a good mum. Of course you are.

Why do you think you're not a good person?

My GP was great - I actually went back today just so she could check on me. Much as I don't want to be on anti-depressants, I feel like they're a lifeline for me at the moment. I am not convinced that they are working yet but I have to believe that they will make me feel better so that I can make it through my counselling and be a better person. I don't want to feel like this. This has to be the last time this happens. DS cannot grow up with a miserable mother.

LAtyke, thanks for your kind words.

{hugs}

[Missingme]

So, I went to the GP and felt a whole lot better afterwards. He was good, not great, but sympathetic and said that I could have PND even 8 months on. He's referred me to a health visitor who he says is brilliant, and she must be cos she's coming round at 8am before her work on Friday! I wanted to cry today, told him 'I just want someone to talk to'. I feel like I'm going mad sometimes, that my world is so tiny compared to how it used to be, and that my future is this tiny little dull little world (I don't mean dd is making it dull, I mean this place where I live). I just need someone to promise me that I won't be living like this forever.