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Just need someone to listen.(13 Posts)
I don't know where else to go/post/or talk to anyone. I'm just hoping someone here may listen.
I feel like my life is unravelling right in front of me and I don't know where to start or if I even have anything left to give. I have 2 DC, and DH has rapid cycling Bipolar disorder (which is fairly well managed) I am always the strong one, I put everyone else first and I just bottle stuff up or keep quiet.
It has hit me that I think I have been brainwashed my whole life. Long story, but basically we live in Germany, we have a '2 generation house' that we share with my parents, although at present basically no privacy or separation. My Mum is so selfish! She is lazy and greedy at the same time. She has huge jealousy issues and resents anyone who has more than she does.
My parents, mosty Mum, made no secret that my brother was/is their favourite child. I was ignored as a child, and always second. I suffered terrible bullying at school but what made it worse is that my parents could not put on a united front and things became worse when they saw it as a competition between them. If I followed ones advice the other would punish me. When I was 13 I was severely depressed and I tried to commit suicide. Rather than it being a wake up call to my parents, instead it concreted their opinion that I was an attention seeker. I have spent pretty much the rest of my life just wanting to be approved by them. If they ask for something I do my best to do it. I have given up my own relationships with people to be 'loyal' to my parents. I have somehow bought in to this idea that my parents deserve better, and as a 'child' parents get things first.
DH and I wanted to emigrate about 4 years ago and had plans to move to Germany and rent. At the same time my Mum told me about how they also wanted to move, and more over that they had to. She had messed up their mortgage so much they could only afford to buy abroad. As my plans (which were made first) came in line with theirs, we should 'help' eachother out with this shared house thing. My parents appeared to accept that DH and I had certain requirements from a house (basic things, bathroom, privacy, secure garden), I came house hunting with both my parents. They wanted to buy this house, and promised that as soon as we moved in they would make changes to make my flat, so it met our basic requirements. Also that house would be left to me upon their deaths. In turn I would have to pay everyones household bills for the rest of their lives - which is a lot more expensive for DH and I than renting. We got here, and they blew all the house money on an over priced car. None of the promises were fulfilled. We however are expected to still pay for everything, additionally, now, because they have no money and did't want to pay for a survey, DH and I have to pay to fix a serious damp problem, rotten timber in the roof and crumbling walls in the cellar - and we will only get 50% of the house.
Nothing I do is enough for them, every job (decorating, gardening, anything) I do, could have been done better. Now I am in this situation where what they want from me means that my family gets less. At present DH and I can't move out. I feel like an utter fool, I feel like nothing more than a slave to them. DH had spoken to them a couple of months ago about money, and that this agreement won't work. My mum spends the day guilt tripping me about how this decision needs to go back to normal, and how they are suffering because of me. Neither my parents have proper jobs, they do paper rounds and some post deliverly, which doesn't pay very much at all. Neither of them will get proper jobs, apparently it is demeaning to 'whore yourself out' in applying for jobs, and their not prepared to do that becaue of me.
I feel absolutely useless, and on the other hand so angry that they have imprinted this mind set on me. I bend over backwards trying to please everyone, but came to this realisation that my parents are trying every manipulation they have, to make sure I never have more than them, which extends to quality of life.
I just don't know where to start trying to fix this. I don't actually think I can.
I remember you posting about this before. It might be worth finding your old thread so we can see what was already suggested.
It sounds like a total nightmare. Can the house not be sold?
It is a crap situation. No doubt about it.
But you posted about this before and got loads of helpful replies. I don't know what else posters could tell you that they haven't already.
It sounds like you are frozen to the spot.
You need to make plans to move out. I know you say that you can't, but you can't continue on like this.
Poor you, that sounds awful.
Can you work on an exit plan. And maybe seek some cbt? You've recognised there's a problem, which is great. Now you need to unpick the habits which aren't working for you
oh my goodness what a mess. Your parents sound like a complete nightmare. I don't know where this should be posted either, however, it sounds like you've had your own MH problems, and DH needs to avoid lots of stress. It's like you need to divorce your parents!! Are they actually contributing anything/adding anything valuable to your lives? E.g. do they do lots of childcare? I don't know how property law works in Germany but do they have their names on the deeds? Is there any way of telling them that they have to leave, that they aren't entitled to any of the house as they have put all their funds into the car (which they can keep/sell)
I am sorry. It sounds a miserable way to live.
Your DH seems to be supportive of you and Im sure your 2 DC love you to bits.
You sound like you are very aware of what your parents are like and what they are doing to you.
Could you seek professional help so that you can learn how to dismiss some of the negativity and not let it get on top of you?
You really need to start thinking about yourself, DH and DC. Dont let your parents have an effect on your DC like they have with you.
House isn't mine to do that with, plus my parents won't do anything if it because of my failings.
The overall plan, is to get out. I just feel like everything I know or how to behave is based on a lie. I have very few friends, because whenever I had plans my Mum has something she needs from me, and I just blow off friends to help her, making me a really really crappy friend. She has no friends of her own. She always guilt trips me into fighting her corner with family, they end up hating me for 'sticking up for her' rather than her, and she never sets them straight. Recently I had a huge arguement about my nationality with her Dad and she refused to say anything at all, and instead cried for days on end because I had ruined her relationship with him.
I don't actually know how to put myself first. I don't know how to deal with the tantrum that follows. Stupid example, I was made to dig a huge trench in the back of the garden last year, to bury cat litter. It looked ugly and I went and bought flowers and bulbs, before I could even say anything I was told I'm not allowed to plant them at the front of the garden, and to not touch it. Somehow this year the trench looks amazing, it's really full and full of colour, quite chuffed with myself. Parents have said that they are going to take my flowers out and put them at the front because it will look better. I was/am really annoyed, but the words no you can't, I bought them, I planted them, I watered them and I want them there just will not come out. I just stare at the floor and mumble but they look nice where they are. How on earth do I change this deep set behaviour?
If its so deep set the only way is to seek help. Like pp suggested CBT. I'm not sure if there are videos online that you could watch to set the ball rolling straight away.
Just think what all of this is doing to your DH & DC. If they see you so sad all of the time and not standing up for yourself what is it teaching them?
It's not very often I think/say this but I don't think you can change this deep set behaviour when you are living with it 24/7. There is a joke- but there is truth in it- that we revert to being a child when we are with our parents. Have you watched Ms Dynamite on Netflix? She has to stay with her parents…and gets off the bus as an 8 year old whereas really she's 45. Like that. You can perhaps change behaviour when you are not living with the person, because it's 5 minutes discussion and then you can retreat to the safety of your home. But you can't do this because you share a home, as you did when you were a child.
Your mum sounds like a real narcissist. If you are one of those people who wants to always keep the peace then it is going to be a monumental task to stand up to her when she is throwing tantrums…as it doesn't sound like you have it in you to act equally appallingly.
Maybe it's time to think about what is important in life, cut your losses and do whatever is necessary to get you, your DH and your kids out of this situation. You might end up financially a lot worse off but realistically would you pay to be out of this situation? I would!! But obviously no more than you are legally obliged to- if you have debts etc they are yours to pay, but if the house is in their name, then get out and have the bills etc changed to their names so they are liable to pay. Is there anyone that you could crash with temporarily to save up for a deposit? Or is there any German social security system that might help you out? Do you have anything that you can sell, don't pay for the damp work etc?
I think there is a element of truth in that dangermouse. The way our house is laid out I feel like somehow our flat has a feeling of my bedroom upstairs in their house. There is an illusion that it is mine, but they can come and go as they please and demand x y and z be done.
I didn't mean for this post to come across like the one I put up a few months ago. I guess I'm asking if it is possible to change the way you think and behave, or is there a way to cope and not let it led to depression.
DH keeps swapping between wanting to leave, and wanting to stay and get them to do what they promised. My plan is to leave. We don't have anywhere we can go in the mean time, but I hadn't thought about social system.
I'm really not like my Mum at all in terms of revenge and punishment. I want to make people happy, and don't really go in for revenge.
OP, the bottom line is you need to get as far away from your mother as possible. Can you not find a rental and just up and go, leaving your mother to it, bills and all?
I had cbt and managed to change some deep seated behaviours / assumptions. I'm not perfect but I'm 1000% better off from where I started. I had my counselling on the nhs - not sure if there is any kind of option to raise this with your gp in Germany. I went about depression and found help for the triggering issues from there.
If that's not an option, then maybe self help books. Sure there are posters on here who can recommend books on detaching from narcissists.
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