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I think I've have BPD!

(97 Posts)

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NatalieMariaD Mon 01-Aug-16 12:19:52

I really feel I have BPD! Recently my cousin said to me she thinks I've always slagged people of behind there backs! This is not the case I feel she has the perception of me, due to are cousin who has always been very sly! She would tell my cousins I've been slagging them of growing up! Something I never actually did! I've always been a victim of bully's from my cousins taking the Micky out of me saying I was a stiff, or I'd been kissing ugly boy's! From my brother making my life hell to the boys at school primary and high school! To my best friend at school she would say was a joke! Even when she got me punched in the face! So the slagging of people behind there back! I don't slag them I talk about the person in question to someone I trust normally my mum or trusted friend! This is to get there honest opinion as my head cant understand why my so called friends are treated me this way! I just look the wiredo all the time! Examples of some of the ways I've been hurt buy my family and friends over the years! Firstly me and my cousin were very close always hung out together yet she asked are other cousin to be her bridesmaid, the sly gel crafty one who I could write a book on the stuff she has done! But nobody would believe me, again it's Nat the bitch slagging people of as always! Am always the bitter gel one! In people's eyes! Even though I am a very loving person fall in love with people so easily. I always get hurt make bad choices in friends my so called best friend recently been slagging me of to my brother! Yet I've forgiven her over the years for how she's treated me! It's always me who travels to see everyone always have! Nobody ever does it back! Another friend dropped me when I had server depression after I had my third son! She didn't want me bursting her bubble as she just had a baby girl! Fast forward five or six years! I wrote to her we spoke about the past she told me she was sorry that she hadn't understanding how to help or what was up me! I suffer gender disorder! Anyway we made friends I went up to her daughter birthday party her Christmas party! She never invited me to any of the nights out with all the old group! I ended up breaking my knee! I texted my friends none of them was there for me! My so called best friend has still not seen me! I do all the chasing with my friends! The friend who dropped me after my third son cancelled two year in a row my sons birthday party! And mine most stupid excuses! This really really hurts, I go on face book see pictures her with her new friend going on picnics nights out picture with all the presents she has bought her! So when my cousin said you have no friends because you slag every one of! No not st all am a loyal friend try so hard with friends people but people always take the piss out of my good nature nobody will go out for my birthday come see me when am ill! Because am a soft touch I've never been the cool one my brothers still take the piss out of me now! My mum and dad have goes at me if there not happy something I've done or not done! Because I never stand up for myself! This eats me up my other cousins are all coop confident girls they have a massive following! Not me no matter how hard I've tried! I have a three good friends two have moved away now! My other two I don't see often but they are genuinely nice ladies! Not like the friends I've had in the past! There the ones who only have friends running around after them never there for me! Yet they would be there for there other friends because they no if they wasn't they would fall out with them, were I'd just keep forgiving! Well not anymore hence why I don't have many friends! Because now I have dropped them am not being hurt any more am not begging for friends anymore! I just don't get why am treated like this! Maybe am too honest too needy have to many problems I don't know the answer! Me and my sister in law were good friends always went out together! I even turned a blind eye to her kissing a guy in front me! Because am loyal and a trusted friend! However soon as I moved she dropped me for her new friends didn't even invite me on her hen do! Pinched my idea for my wedding! Guess what I still forgave her she stole stuff of me in the past still forgave her! Same with my best friend till the slagging me of to my brother! I hate myself have my whole life I live very unhappy life! Now I no I must be mentally ill because nobody else likes me ither! I wish I was everyone but myself wish I had everybody else's life but my own ! I've done lots of online test that indicates I have BPD and serve dyslexia! I also grieve for a DD and this messes me up! Am a girlie girl! I don't understand boys! I love them all but feel angry why haven't I got a girl! Why am I always cursed with bad luck! I have days I cry were I can't breathe! When I can't cope with a situation at home with the kids or partner I cry go hysterical! I talk to friends about my troubled relationship and home life for advice! Not to slag anyone off if I can't understand why or what to do! I am certainly no bitch! Of course I have a bitch from time to time! Good god am only human but as for me being this horrible person who slags Everyone of not the case! Am so like my mum she is the same! We're vey honest so if someone hurts us we speak out! The quite sly ones who have all friends! We're your heart on your sleeve and your a bitch! Am like an open book tell everyone everything. My mum would call my dad to use growing up because she couldn't cope with his drinking! I do it my partner I speak openly if am pissed of with someone who has hurt me or I feel as wronged me! So I guess I will always be the bad guy the bitch! Say nothing but fake sweet stuff everyone will love you be your friend! But I can't be like that am to honest! I feel am going mad am so damaged in my head from life the life's exsperences and choices I've made! Am a 36 year old in married women with four boys! Only ever wanted a daughter! I've dreamed of getting married since being a small girl still not happened nobody wants to know nobody is interested! I can't organise anything what I've read sounds like because of the dyslexia! Maybe I come across as poor me but not always had happy times threw out my life! Just what life throws at you! I want to make my life happy and good! I don't know how I struggle to get out the house now all my kids are at school! As I've been a stay at home mum for 14 years! So this doesn't help meeting and making friends!

LouSavage Mon 01-Aug-16 12:26:58

Wow, a lot going on there.
Are you referring to Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder?
Either way, diagnosing yourself online isn't going to be helpful to you. I would approach a GP to refer you to your local mental health team if you genuinely think you need it.

LewisAndClark Mon 01-Aug-16 12:32:23

You might have bpd. You might not. Nobody here can diagnose you. I wasn't diagnosed until last year and I'm the same age as you.

You need to speak to your GP to start with and ask for a referral to mental health services.

If you do get a diagnosis then Stepps or DBT can really help.

mrgrouper Mon 01-Aug-16 12:49:52

You like exclamation marks.

RedHareWithBlondeHair Mon 01-Aug-16 12:57:04

That's quite a wall of text. As a first port of call have you spoken with your GP?

Champagneformyrealfriends Mon 01-Aug-16 12:58:28

Mrgrouper my thoughts exactly shock

UbiquityTree Mon 01-Aug-16 13:02:35

I have borderline personality disorder (BPD) and I don't recognise most of the traits you describe.

You do sound very unhappy, though. Have you seen your doctor? You don't have to live in misery.

YelloDraw Mon 01-Aug-16 13:02:37

Wow. That is a serous block of text :-)

BillyNotQuiteNoMates Mon 01-Aug-16 13:04:03

Agree with Redhair I think you probably need to see your GP and tell them what you've said on here. It'll be a start. Self diagnosing on the internet, isn't a great idea. Good luck!

OreosAreTasty Mon 01-Aug-16 13:07:09

calm down please.
Are you ok?
What's wrong?

Birdsgottafly Mon 01-Aug-16 13:07:34

Tbh, there's a lot going on with the dynamics of your family, so you need a proper opinion.

Being close to Cousins, can have its downfall.

Have a chat with your GP and go from there.

yorkshapudding Mon 01-Aug-16 13:09:23

I work in Mental Health and nothing you have described suggests BPD to me. That said, it is impossible for anyone to make or rule out a diagnosis based on a post on a forum and there is a huge amount of misinformation about MH online (Mumsnet included) so best to see your GP if you're concerned about your emotional well-being. I agree with pp, you do sound very unhappy but that doesn't necessarily mean you're suffering from a mental illness. Either way, counselling may help you to come to terms with some of your past experiences and think about what you'd like to change forward.

yorkshapudding Mon 01-Aug-16 13:10:30

moving forward, sorry

thisisafakename Mon 01-Aug-16 13:19:21

Do you think that maybe you should post in mental health instead? You can always visit your GP and ask for help and maybe a referral to counselling if you are feeling unhappy.

I am afraid I couldn't get through the entire block of text and exclamation marks (paragraphs please), but maybe part of the problem is also the people you hang around with. If everyone is calling each other bitches behind their backs, it's probably not great for anyone's mental health. Maybe find some activities that you like and you might meet like-minded friends.

MiscellaneousAssortment Mon 01-Aug-16 13:23:25

I agree with other posters that seeing your GP would be a good start.

Good luck.

NatalieMariaD Mon 01-Aug-16 13:25:24

I write like this because I don't know how to write! I have server dyslexia! Went my whole life undirected! Hence why I write like I do! Does everyone discussing if they have BPD write in mental health am new! Anyway I've set up a new post! That's for the advice and criticism much appreciated!

mrgrouper Mon 01-Aug-16 13:25:24

I used to have borderline pd but then got downgraded to traits. My main problem was self harm and also giant mood swings.

mrgrouper Mon 01-Aug-16 13:26:06

Dyslexia does not mean you place exclamation marks everywhere.

RedHareWithBlondeHair Mon 01-Aug-16 13:28:15

I also get the sense from your posts that you're quite frantic and erratic.

NatalieMariaD Mon 01-Aug-16 13:31:34

Yes and feel your judging me in a nasty way! I got ungraded in most my subjects because I couldn't understand what I was being tort! Because am dyslexic! I struggle to make sense of things!

RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers Mon 01-Aug-16 13:39:28

You've got amazing spelling for someone with severe dyslexia. But I think you're being a bit harsh to accuse someone of judging you - I think all she was saying was that the exclamation marks come across as if you're very upset, which they do.

Go to your GP, I think.

NatalieMariaD Mon 01-Aug-16 13:42:12

Thank you for the positive and helpful comments! I do think it's borderline personality disorder! Because my behaviour is like they described! I hurt myself when upset i have threatened to hurt myself ive hit myself and other things! Scream go hysterical I've thrown things sceam shout at my children! Get easily irritated! Get obsessed with every thing and people! Obsessed with online shopping! There is lots of things. I was having cognitive behavioural therapy! But she moved to a new job! I need get back in touch see were there up to getting me some one else!

NatalieMariaD Mon 01-Aug-16 13:42:54

Predictive text you horrible bully!

NatalieMariaD Mon 01-Aug-16 13:44:40

Sometimes I have to use a different world because the predictive text doesn't recognise my words! What a horrible bully! Go and troll someone else am not here to be abused buy you!

NatalieMariaD Mon 01-Aug-16 13:46:59

I don't know what you mean as I do not understand English at all! What any thing is! I've just seen how others write! See predictive text is amazing but it does not write it for you so people can understand me!

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