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Any advice, please?

(5 Posts)
NegativeIron Tue 26-Jul-16 23:45:50

I've name changed back to a very old one, but am quite a long standing poster.

I have a history of depression, am on ADs, controlling the levels and am just putting myself back on a higher level, as agreed with GP and therapist (have just stopped seeing the latter in the last few weeks as we agree I know what to do). The ADs prevent me from being suicidal and much of the time I can cope, using CBT etc , reasonably well. This is about the third different lot of ADs and seems to suit me ok, at any rate compared with the others.

What I can't get rid of is the desire for death, or rather nothingness. I just want to stop.

It's so unfair that people with small children, people who are desperately afraid if death, children and young people, are taken, die, are killed, when they and their families are desperate for them to stay.

And here am I, who of course has the life instinct, of course wants to protect my family, see them grow up on one hand, know it's my duty to remain around, know there will be joys and happiness, that I'm incredibly fortunate, as I am, count my blessings etc, but on another hand very deep down would be so grateful not to have to continue.

It's selfish, incredibly,. I know. But I don't know how I can stop it. I can stop the actualisation and I do, I can't stop the desire. The pluses are all on the surface, the nothingness is always there and is the reality.

I try not to let it show too much to my family because it's both inconvenient and v distressing for them. From their point of view, Why do I not love them enough to want to be around?

Any advice, please? Do I just accept it as one of those things?

NegativeIron Wed 27-Jul-16 15:56:17

Anyone?

PandaPop55 Wed 27-Jul-16 18:41:19

Sounds like you are having a really bad time. Please confide in your family so that they can help you. Hopefully the increased dose will take effect quickly. Are you getting any other support?

Petal40 Wed 27-Jul-16 20:04:51

Sorry I've no advice.i feel the same

NegativeIron Wed 27-Jul-16 23:02:32

Panda, thanks v much. I have been getting counselling on the NHS, bless it, but that has stopped, by agreement. We managed to identify triggers and actions, but no amount of CBT, exercise, ads or anything else gets rid if this. And I have burdened my family too much in the past. Far far too much. I dread to think what the effect is and will be on dc.

Petal, I am so sorry, but hold out a hand in solidarity. Just knowing you are not the only one may be comforting.

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