is this the 'r' word? (V. long)

[RosieAndJim]

I have changed my name for this. I have been married for 7 years and have 2 lovely kids.

A year before I met my DH I was down town with some friends and a guy I vaguely knew (he was a mate of a guy I dated briefly) came to talk to me.

To cut a long story short. I was extremely drunk that night and the guy offered to buy me a drink which he did. As soon as I drank the drink I felt weird a bit like when You have an epidural (totally numb), obv not that bad because I could still walk (Just about).

He asked me back to his place and said he was having a party as he had Just bought a Karoekee (sp?) machine and a few mates and their gf's were turning up.

I went back to his place but the journey in the taxi was very vague. In his house I remember him giving me a glass of wine and he was singing on the karoakee machine. No one else was there and he kept saying they were on their way.

Shortly after, I felt quite sick and grabbed my bag and proceeded towards the door. As I went to open it he dragged me to his bedroom (it was on the ground floor) and tore my clothes off in an aggressive manner.

I don't want to go into too much detail but you can imagine what happened. This bit is embarrassing but, he couldn't get IT up (iukwim) but still kept trying. He was very aggressive. He eventually rolled over and went to sleep, Everything was a bit vague and I felt helpless and weak. I seriously, on my kids life could not move. I remember waking up and it was light, I was naked and quickly got up grabbed my clothes and ran out, dressing outside. He came out after me and was as nice as pie and asked me if I was ok and if I wanted a lift home .

I am sorry this post is so bloody long but this incident happened about 8 years ago, and until now I had sort of forgotten about it, obviously not because I can't stop thinking about what happened. It is making me depressed and I feel guilty. To make matters worse, my DH has no idea about the incident and I have totally gone off sex and can't stand him touching me. I keep making excuses like, I am tired tonight, got a headache, busy etc etc.

Two questions

1/ From what I have described, even though he couldn't perform, Is that still Rape? Or is it only when a man penetrates a woman? Sorry but I am trying to convince myself it wasn't rape. I don't know.

2/ What shall I do about this past nightmare? Why can't I just forget about it? I can't understand why I am thinking about this after 8 years.

[rebeccalm]

Iamso sorry about what happened to you. It sounds to me like you are suffering from post-traumatic stress. I don't know what the legal definition of rape is but he most certainly assulted you and gave you illegal drugs to do so.
You really REALLY need to get some counselling about this. It doesn't matter whether it happened 8 years or 8 days ago. Has something triggered the memories returning? I'm scared to advise you as I'mnot in anyway qualified but I urge you to think what advice you would give to a friend if she told you all this. I have no doubt that you would be furious towards the man -I'm sure you could still press charges. Do you think you could tell your husband?
I'm sorry I'm waffling but I desperatly want to help you and don't know how.
Please talk to someone -I'm sure other mumsnetters can recommend a counselling service.
Sending you huge hugs.

[RosieAndJim]

Thanks. I think its too late to press charges for something that happened 8 years ago. How could I prove anything?

Thanks for your reply. I am considering going for conselling (after all these years).

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

I think from a 'legal' point of you it would be classed as sexual assault and/or attempted rape.

I think it might help you to speak to your DH. I know its hard, and difficult, and finding the right words to explain is just so tough.

I would imagine you probably feel embarrassed or ashamed too? Well, you have absolutely no reason to feel ashamed at all (although my saying it isnt going to just stop you feeling that way).

I think some counselling would also help you. Try perhaps giving Rape Crisis a ring if dont feel able to approach your GP.

The very fact that you struggle to even type the word rape tells me that you really need some outside help with this sweetie

I utterly sympathise with you, have been there. Please CAT me if you want to talk.

[tribpot]

It sounds awful. Awful. I really hope that counselling will help you, what a horrific thing to have to deal with

[rebeccalm]

Please do go for counselling. I used to think it was pointless but you will be amazed how much it can help. Telling your DH may also lift a huge weight.

[chocolatekimmy]

You poor thing, thats something that hasn't gone away and has now surfaced so its probably time to deal with it.

I used to work for a local Rape Crisis helpline and would definately recommend that type of counselling to start with. We offered telephone counselling as well as face to face and covered all types of abuse, from child sex abuse to adult abuse and rape.

You could report it to the police, phone your local station to find out the process (you won't have to give your name) and what could happen. I imagine it wouldn't go far though as far as not being able to prove anything and it would possibly just cause additional stress.

Please confide in someone (even if its a counselling service) to help you through it and give you the strength to deal with it. Hopefully you will be able to tell your husband about it too - don't be alone with it forever.

You sound as though you have a lovely life with a husband and two lovely children. You can't change the past but some help/support will help you regain your focus on the good things you have in your life.

[RosieAndJim]

VeniVidiVickiQV- thanks. So from a legal point of view it was attemped 'r'. The frustrating thing is, if had been able to perform then that would of been 'r' am i right?

[RosieAndJim]

chocolatekimmy - thanks so much for such a positive post. Do you know what, it has helped just posting on here. I feel a bit better already.

[choochootrain]

I'm so sorry to hear about your horrible experience. Just to say that, from a friend's personal experience, I hear that the Roofie Foundation (www.roofie.com) are supposed to be a good support agency for drug-related rape. They have a 24 hour helpline 0800 783 2980.

[RosieAndJim]

Thanks choochootrain. I will give that number a call.

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

It would have been rape, yes.

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

Although no less a horrifying experience for you I think.

[RosieAndJim]

VeniVidiVickiQV- how do I CAT. Never done it before.

[chocolatekimmy]

RosieandJim - I was hoping you would feel supported on here. Its amazing isn't it how everyone seems to pull together and offer help, advice and support. Almost like a counselling service and shows that you are not alone.

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

Click on the envelope icon on the right hand side of the blue bar where my name is.

[elsa07]

Hi, I'm Elsa I'm really sorry to hear what happened to you, I think it would be classed as attempted rape.

I think you should get councelling. Although, I'm a complete hypocrite for suggesting it! I was raped and now I'm seven months pregnant with twins that were the result of that rape, so I know how hard it can be to try and cope with it. I also know how hard it is to talk to people about it, does your throat just close up when you try and speak about it? mine does. I haven't actually even told my parents about it.

You can't forget what happened because it had such an impact on your life. Major trauma has long lasting effects on a person. You don't need to be 'over' this yet, you may never get over it (sorry to be depressing) but you will learn to accept it and live a normal life. I'm not saying wallow in your troubles, but do accept that it takes time for the emotional wounds to heal.

Good counsellors don't tell you what to do, but help you to cope with your own feelings by encouraging you to talk about it. They will not say, "what did he do to you - please describe it from beginning to end?", but will be much more gentle . . . counsellors want you to talk about your feelings, 'cos that is really what is bothering you, being scared, having bad memories, and so on. They won't tell you what to do . . . that isn't their job.

Before starting counselling, do ask them how they approach counselling and if you don't feel comfortable, don't go there. During counselling, don't be scared of asking for a change of counsellor if you are unhappy with the way it is going.

If you are ever offered counselling by a man and you're uncomfortable with this, insist that a woman is in the room all the time - maybe a friend or relative of yours, maybe one of the man's own staff - 'cos it is the normal practice for a man not to counsel a woman or girl without another female present.

Just know that you're not alone in your struggles, and that there are millions of people willing to help you. Hope this helps and I hope to hear from you soon Elsa xx