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severe low self esteem, scared of what i mite do

(5 Posts)
diamond457 Tue 12-Jul-16 15:58:58

Six years ago I was in a relationship with a cheat. He cheated on me whilst I was pregnant, he turned his phone off for weeks on end and sometimes vanished. He also stole money from my bank account and left me with nothing. Throughout our relationship I found messages to other women on Facebook and he regularly visited porn sites.
The relationship ruined my self esteem and self worth and has left me scarred. I have nothing to do with this man now and he's not involved with my daughter.
I met the man of my dreams when my daughter was one. He is a fantastic father and treats me fantastic. He has never given me any reason to suspect cheating or otherwise. Infact I totally trust him. I never feel any urge to search through his phone or any that sort of thing.
But my insecurity is beating me down big time.
Because he is so lovely I don't feel pretty enough. Overweight with a big saggy belly. I am attractive but I feel because I'm three stone overweight I'm ugly. I can't stand being next to an attractive woman when he's with me. I feel completely worthless.
We are just back from a family holiday and it was my worst nightmare. Women in bikinis, flat bellys and gorgeous.
A holiday rep pulled dp up to the stage and he had no idea what he had to do. They paired him up with this gorgeous girl and they had to dance. All light hearted and a laugh but my heart sank when he put his arm around her waist. I ran off unknown to him, he had no idea where I went.
I ran away down to the beach and sobbed about how ashamed I am of myself, how I'm sick of feeling like this. I ended up cutting myself on the arm...something I've never done before.
Dp says I have depression and need help. I've told him he can do better, that I'm crazy and he needs to leave for his own good.
We are home now and we are great but he wants me to see a dr about the depression or he will tell my family. He loves me and says he won't leave.

I left my job in May because of workplace bullying. My manager set up traps to see me fail, would ignore me when I came in and even binned my stuff if I left it at work. Nothing I could do due to lack of evidence my lawyer told me.

So between my past and work I am totally destroyed. I have no idea what to do or how to get better. I'm a shadow of who I was and I want me back.

AnxietySertraline Wed 13-Jul-16 07:20:44

Sorry flowers
Tou really need to talk to your gp and be honest. You migth need counselling or even an AD.

Hiddlesnake Wed 13-Jul-16 07:39:51

My self esteem was hideous for a long time.
Started on ADs and although I'm not "cured" they helped me get balanced enough to sort through my issues.
I'm now seeing a counsellor too which is invaluable.
I too didn't believe my partner could possibly love me because I was fat and ugly. I was wrong, and you are too. You round like you have a keeper.

As an aside, and not that your weight matters, but I was 5 stone overweight. Joined weighrwatcher and they have been so supportive. I lost 10% of my bodyweight really easily. No where near my final target weight yet, but feel so much better in myself and that I CAN do something. It's an acheveinent I can feel proud of, and that has helped my self esteem.
It's not the weight as such, but the achievement.

diamond457 Wed 13-Jul-16 13:47:52

Thank you both.
That's fantastic hiddlesnake a real achievement for you.
I've started slimming world and got up early and went for a run, not what I love doing but will help me in the long run.
I know if I tackle my weight that it will help.
Booking a gp appt today and see what happens.

I know where my issues stem from so at least that's a start.
I just worry ad's are going to have a weight gain side effect and affect my weight loss?

Hiddlesnake Wed 13-Jul-16 22:15:46

Not been a problem for me. I didn't get in with citralopram, but fluoxetine has been great.

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