Big black hole

[SparkleJ]

I honestly have no idea where to start this post as there is so much going on, I don't want to create multiple posts yet don't want this to be very long. Apologies in advanced & thanks if you manage to get through it all.

Almost 4 years I had my daughter at 28 weeks via Emergency section, I had pre eclampsia bordering toxaemia (the nurses were surprised I was even walking) I didn't see my daughter for almost 7 days because I wasn't allowed out of bed, didn't hold her for almost 4 weeks because she was so poorly. She ended up getting a bacterial infection where her bowl began to die & had to have 12cm removed, during this time she was deprived from oxygen & suffered brain damaged. As a result she has PVL , CP & epilepsy. She's non verbal & can not move much. We've obviously been in and out of hospital constantly (I can't go into to much detail as just writing this is more difficult than I expected)
11 months ago we had another baby (unplanned) I really wasn't ready to have another child because how difficult it is to look after our first baby, at 36 weeks she was born via forceps (almost Emergency section) because I was so poorly again & she suffered a stroke (upto now & as far as Drs are aware she's ok health wise)

Obviously that was traumatic again & I'm not sure if after my first pregnancy & birth I suffered with PND & possible PTSD?? I feel numb.

Now I've had a family disagreement & no longer speak to my mother or my grandmother (she blames me for what happened with my first baby, even though it was medical complications)

I just feel in such a lonely place with nobody who understands or relates to me. I would have rough days where my eldest child will just scream from morning till night no explanation nothing wrong other than her diagnoses, so obviously I'm not upto entertaining people, especially when they would question milestone so I'd constantly get "your so miserable" "your so moody" or if I'd say I'm stressed my mother would scoff & say "why? What can you possibly be stressed for"

I just don't know what I'm supposed to do with myself. I don't want to take medication because I'm the stay at home parent whilst my partner works full time.

[daisydalrymple]

That all sounds so very difficult and incredibly stressful for you. I'm sorry for everything you've gone through.

Being a stay at home parent doesn't stop you from taking medication (if that's what you need). Have you spoken to your GP or health visitor (health visitors can get a bad press on here, but some are very good and supportive). You sound very low and it may be that meds can help or you may be able to receive some additional support which would help you, do you currently have any external help or access to support services for dd1?

I'd suggest a trip to your GP to talk through how you're feeling and see what they suggest initially.

It sounds like it's for the best at the moment that you don't see your mum / grandmother if they don't understand and support you.

[SparkleJ]

Sorry I posted before I'd even finished.

I'm constantly tired, even if I get the occasional break (partners parents try to help out but have other children) I can sleep for hours & wake up the exact same. I'm starting to find myself as soon as my partners home which is usually bedtime I'm reaching for alcohol.
Now my oldest child is having problems with feeding & loosing weight at a ridiculously fast speed, it's such hard work & I feel like nothing I do remotely helps her quality of life, it's like she does really well but when it's a bad day it turns into a week and then a month then a good spell and then bad, when it's bad we end up in hospital.

[SparkleJ]

I'm really worried it will make me feel worse before I feel better (this is what my partner has told me)

When I went to my gp in Dec she just suggested taking medication & I'm not keen on my health visitor, I also find it difficult to actually sit and speak to somebody.

From my family troubles, nobody else seems to think I'm doing the right thing by not seeing them. Both have said they want nothing to do with me or my children because I've finally stopped them from controlling every aspect of my life.

[daisydalrymple]

Id say in the short term stay off the alcohol if you can. By all means plan something for yourself for when dp gets home, but eg nice bar of choc, non alcoholic cold drink, even something simple like flavoured sparkling water, make it with ice and a slice of lime or something, or have a bubble bath / shower with a nice body wash when the dds are in bed. (Forgive me if that isn't practical not sure if dd1 sleeps well through the evening for you).

I'm not an expert, but the tiredness is typical of depression. It can be one of the symptoms.

Do you and dp manage to have any time out together? Do you manage to give each other a break at the weekends?

[daisydalrymple]

Has your partner been on antidepressants? Everybody's initial reaction is different, indeed that's why there are different types available as not all of them suit everybody. I've not experienced feeling worse at the beginning of taking them (have had them a couple of times and am a month in of starting them again for anxiety / PND). I've certainly felt tired on them, but that eases after a few weeks, and it was no worse than the tiredness I felt anyway.

[SparkleJ]

Honestly he's good like that & will sort out our eldest who takes longer to settle for the night, I will either have a shower or tidy up.

He did take them a few years ago before we had children so he is mostly going of his own experiences.

We try to spend time together when the girls are in bed but we're usually both so tired and end up falling asleep & the past month we haven't managed to get out because his parents both work. This weekend we will be so at least it's something to look forward to.

It's difficult because I feel like there's so many factors to why I feel the way I do, how can I take a tablet to make it better? I just don't understand how it all works.

[daisydalrymple]

The easiest way to look at it is just accept that it's a chemical imbalance in your brain. When we're stressed the serotonin becomes depleted because your body uses more of it up and quicker in order to get through the stress, and your body just can't keep up with demand.

Depending on the degree of your symptoms, meds can help because they help provide the serotonin you need to feel happy / positive / normal etc. This gives your body time to catch up and start making enough itself again. The mistake a lot of people make though is in stopping taking them as soon as they feel better. Health professionals tend to recommend staying on them for 6 months after you start to feel better, in order for your body to have time to recover and take over. Otherwise some people tend to crash again.

If you broke your arm, you wouldn't question having a plaster cast put on to fix it. If your GP recommends meds, then it may be worth a try to give yourself time to feel better about things. Has counselling been suggested for the trauma / PTSD element? Is it something you feel would help or do you feel you've managed to process it and move on now? Do you actually get any additional support with dd1? To say you're a SAHP is, I think underestimating what you do, as it sounds like you're a full time cater if dd1's needs are so complex?

Meds won't of course make everything ok, but they will make a difficult time more bearable whilst you try to find a different way of dealing with things. Hopefully involving some additional practical help and support, but at the very least you might be able to deal with things in a different way yourself. It's brilliant that you have dp's support and sound like a you'd team together.

[daisydalrymple]

Sorry typos!
Full time carer
And sounds like you're a good team together

[timelytess]

I don't know what to say at all, but sending you gentle good wishes.