is this a precursor to falling in the pit of depression or is it actually just ok?

[dangermouseisace]

Background: I'm not very good at asking for help. I ended up with severe depression and a lengthy hospital stay at the end of last year/beginning of this.

I've been finding general 'stuff' difficult. Day to day stuff is a struggle at the moment. Which is expected, with ups and downs and whatnots on the road to recovery. But recently I've been getting suicidal urges, out of no-where. I feel quite crap generally, but put that down to ups and downs and lack of exercise at the moment. Do other people know when they are actually getting worse? I think because it is just urges…rather than definite plans…that it's not worth bothering the mental health team and I don't want to be attention seeking/have people on my case more than normal anyway. It's more…you don't have the kids- you could do xyz now and that's it, now is your chance…it's hard to resist but I know I will. Is this a normal depression thing? I don't remember urges out of nowhere before but everything seems like a dark hazy blur pre crisis anyway. I remember feeling really awful last week, calling MH team but my usual worker wasn't there, I said I'd call back but I think was better at the beginning of this week but now I'm not so sure. Is this normal? Sorry it's a bit garbled…don't think I make sense...

[BeenThereTooSEL]

I have these feelings too and they are sudden and are more fleeting ideas than plans.

[dangermouseisace]

do you feel you are depressed or do you think you are doing ok?

[dangermouseisace]

which might sound like a crass question if so I apologise

[BeenThereTooSEL]

I have suffered with depression before. I know it's a sign of a few things. Normally that I need to start evaluations of why I'm thinking these things. There's usually a trigger. Can be anything from hormonal to a lack of sleep, increased pain etc

[BeenThereTooSEL]

For me it's a sign that I need to start self care. As it usually coincides with either an event which reminds me of a trauma

[phoolani]

Sounds more like suicidal ideation rather than being suicidal iyswim - you don't want to die, but you can't see how you can live like this. I get random thoughts like this on occasion and I do find find it's always because I'm feeling like I'm falling again, so whilst I don't think they're anything in themselves (more just dark idle musings) I take notice of them because they generally mean something else is up (I'm not making much sense now either, sorry!). Take notice and ask for the help you need.

[dangermouseisace]

no it is all helpful actually thank you. That it isn't normal but it's not a disaster, and that I shouldn't just dismiss it. Thinking about other things that have been happening more regularly that I now remember specifically ignoring (panic attacks etc) before the journey into the abyss last time. I will write them all down whilst I remember and say to CPN when I next see her thanks people x

[phoolani]

How are you feeling now, danger?

[dangermouseisace]

I'm a bit better I think- have discussed things with CPN and have plan in place for if it continues thanks for asking phoolani

[phoolani]

Glad to hear it. I hope it keeps up. I've avoided any major incidents for many years now by, I think, taking time to notice, just how I'm feeling, and why I'm feeling that way. It really helps me a lot, by taking away that out of control feeling. Take the time to self-care because, in the words of the wise, you're worth it!