Feel like I'm slowly losing the plot

[Bavmorda]

Or maybe not so slowly!

I don't expect any responses, I think I'm just looking to do something cathartic.

Back in December when I was 35 weeks pregnant I went down with pneumonia. Spent a few days in hospital on intravenous antibiotics, then they discovered I had h-flu and I then needed a further course of IV at home for a week. I felt a sense of time pressure to recover, given that I was due to give birth, and despite the fact pneumonia can take months to recover from.

Anyway, baby was born and he seems OK (he's my fourth - others are 6, 4 and 2).

The thing is, I currently feel like I'm in some sort of psychological prison. It's like I've not got over the experience. I've always been an anxious person, but only recently has it become about my health. I feel like I'm dodging death all the time. I go to the doctor with every little thing (or sometimes avoid going for fear they're going to tell me I'll die and leave my children) and even if 99% of what they say is reassuring, my mind fixates on the 1% that is cautionary.

I feel trapped in my own home, and like there's nothing to look forward to.

I feel like I can't engage with my children - I often filter them out when they're talking to me because I can't concentrate on what they're saying AND do whatever needs doing around the house. I need to put things away but the baby screams whenever I put him down. I just feel like I'm not enjoying anything at all about life and that there's nothing to look forward to. But this is what I always wanted, so I feel guilty and ungrateful.

I don't know what else to say really, except the prospect of relying on antidepressants fills me with dread in case I can never get off them. I don't want a crazy life jet setting about the world, I just want to feel content and unafraid. That's a lot to ask though isn't it? Is it just how life is these days? There seems to be so much to be uncertain about.

[Orchidflower1]

Hey have you thought about talking to gp about how you feel? Maybe a councilor will help - sending

[Bavmorda]

Thanks very much. Yes maybe. I've had CBT before. Trouble is I found that by the time the referral kicked in I didn't really "need" it. I'm not putting it down, I think it's a great service, but it seems to take so long. I just wish I was in control - I wish there was a magic non-worry switch.

[Roastie1986]

Hey . Many years ago I was diagnosed with "health anxiety" I was obsessed with my body and would look for signs and symptoms of being ill and everything would result in me dying. These thoughts went away with the help of citalopram. So many years on and now have a 2 year old child my health anxiety has moved on to my child. I panic most days about him being ill or even getting a cold. I get in a state. I do believe u may have health anxiety. I'm not a doctor but the symptoms your explaining sound exactly the same as me. Pls continue to talk as I will help you as much as I can day by day xxx

[dangermouseisace]

I don't think you should dismiss what you've been through. It would have been a lot if you hadn't been pregnant- it is a massive thing because you were!! Friend had pneumonia in Nov- she was feeling the after effects for months and months- she is a medical professional and said that she really didn't understand until it happened to her the effect that it has on you at the time, and afterwards. Be kind to yourself you have been through a lot, and now you have 4 young kids!! And I guess you've had no time for getting over a serious illness- unless someone was looking after all your kids for you for months!

As you say you've been to the GP a fair bit have you talked to them about how things are?

[Bavmorda]

I think you're right about the health anxiety. I called the health visitor last week and she came round. It's weird because they say they understand but I just think you SAY that but do you? They seem so calm about it but I feel stressed and trapped. I've got to see the GP at the end of next week and am hoping to get a referral for CBT. Currently I'm stressing about a curtain pole that's fallen down and I'm worried because some of the plaster has crumbled it might contain asbestos and I've poisoned us all . Constantly seeking reassurance isn't the answer is it.

Thanks for the responses so far and sorry I'm not being very coherent. I really am in real life!

[Roastie1986]

It's definitely health anxiety. I'm the exact same. I am so with you. You don't rest from this feeling. It consumes you. The "what ifs" I could cry for you. I also find seeking reassurance can be bad as sometimes not the answer you are looking for and cab make you even more anxious xx

[user1466748534]

Bavmorda, you sound exactly the same as me also, even down to the asbestos phobia. I have that too, I had some removed from my house and that really started me off. Now I question exposure in other places. However, I have it about health in general also, most recently I am obsessed with food poisoning, as it's been in the news a lot lately. I'm scared of eating various foods now and I worry I'm going to make my child like me. I recently came off of Citalopram for it. I believe I was better taking it. I really hope you get the help you need from your GP. Just be honest, as it's so very limiting and exhausting feeling this way.