PTSD, OCD, ED, depression and anxiety, feel like a lost cause.

[Exercisejunkieforlife]

I had an appointment yesterday and was told I have all of the above. I feel like a lost cause and just want to die.
I won't hurt myself, I have 3 DC and no matter how much I feel they would be better without me my rational self knows this is untrue.

I have very disordered eating and also over exercise, for about 20 months I've been doing 13 hrs on average exercise per week and working, looking after the DC, running a house all whilst feeling very very low and not wanting to exist.

About 2 weeks ago my energy just left, I am struggling just to get out of bed in the morning, I am so tired, tired of life and of feeling the way I do.
I want to crawl out of my skin and my brain, I hate myself. If I look at myself in the mirror what i see is digusting and makes me feel sick . I hate myself for looking like this.
It's irrational and I know this because my weight is fine and I have low body fat and high muscle mass but i look like shit.

I'm also a shit mother, my DC love me but they shouldn't because I am crap, I often don't have the energy to read with DD2 or discuss with DD1 how school is going. The food they have is not good enough, I hate cooking so do the easiest things I can and I should be able to do better.
dD2 has beautiful long hair and I wish I could put it up in lovely braids and make it look pretty but mostly it gets put in a pony tail. All her friends at school have their hair done tidy and I feel bad she has the same pony tail every day.
DS1 is very challenging and we have a star chart and I struggle to do that everyday.

I am obsessive about the house being clean and tidy so spend time doing this when I should be spending time with the DC but I can't it's like something physical makes me do it I just can't leave it because I get angry and gittery if it's not clean. It's only a house ffs, what does it matter if it's tidy all the bloody time.

sorry for the essay, I could go on and on just need to get this down somewhere. Thanks for reading .

[dangermouseisace]

I think everyone thinks that they don't do as much as other parents do. Your kids will love you just for being you.

Re the house- mine is a right state. But I still spend all the time tidying. I'm just not very good at it.

Are you getting any help?

[Exercisejunkieforlife]

Mouse - I was assessed yesterday and told I had everything in the title and that I was being presented to the 'team' today. I have a further appointment next Tuesday morning to discuss where we go from here.

My house is still a state too, well I think so anyway I've been told it isn't. I'm afraid that regardless of how tidy clean it is I will still find something to obsess over.

I just don't want to live my life like this anymore, I cannot think of anything worse then feeling like this for the rest of my life because it will be such a waste. I cannot change it though regardless of how much I try and pull myself out of it I can't.
I want to be someone else.

[dangermouseisace]

They are just labels. They sound worse to you as they are personal to you. To 'the team' they are just things that help with working out how to help you. For what it's worth, eating disorders, PTSD, depression, anxiety all tend to go together in a bundle so although it's a lot of words they are just descriptions of the problems that you have. No wonder you don't want to live your life like this anymore. Good news is that you don't have to. You are going to get help, you can't pull yourself out of it, but you will be able to with assistance. Really, your kids won't want you to be someone else, although you might want to.

Sorry, my word brain isn't that great at the moment. But it sounds like you are at the start of a journey to getting better