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Give me a slap, I feel suicidal.

(46 Posts)
TooFatToShop Mon 20-Jun-16 14:59:56

(FYI I'm pregnant and getting an abortion on Thursday).

I'm struggling with my PhD. The examiners have found my weak point (statistics) are are focusing on it.

If it weren't for the 2 children I have (aged 4 and 5) there would literally be no point to my existence. I am 33 and have never had a job, having been a full-time student/parent.

I'm a waste of space tbh. All I do is use up resources and give nothing back. I thought AIBU would be the perfect place to get the flaming I deserve.

You are all literally paying for me to exist.

I won a phd studentship which is paid for by a Government body and I can't even do that right.

HumpMeBogart Mon 20-Jun-16 15:05:02

Please go and see your GP and tell them how you feel. Make the appt now and make sure s/he understands how serious it is.

You're hardly a waste of space if you're doing a PhD and bringing up two kids! Nor are you a failure for feeling the way you do. Depression is an illness. Would you be beating yourself up like this if you had flu?

Go and speak to your doctor. They won't judge you and your kids need you to be well.

Ask your supervisor for a chat. Tell them you're struggling and need some help. Find out what's available. You don't have to do this alone.

ILoveMyMonkey Mon 20-Jun-16 15:05:16

You dont need a slap, you need love and support and understanding flowers.

You are not a waste of space, especially to your children who need and love you.

As for not working, you are studying and raising children, be proud of your achievements - you have plenty of years left to pay back into society.

Go to your gp and explain how you feel. X

TooFatToShop Mon 20-Jun-16 15:06:25

I'm sick to death of GPs. I go there at least once a month. They know everything. I'm on prozac.

I've paid NOTHING into the system, but I take, take, take.

gamerchick Mon 20-Jun-16 15:10:23

You don't need a slap, you need a hug. Please go and speak to someone about how you're feeling.

Suicide is permanent, your situation and how you are feeling is not. It really isn't the answer. flowers

EllsTeeth Mon 20-Jun-16 15:13:26

I had depression when I was doing my PhD. It is a very intense time. And you are doing it with 2 children. You must be amazingly strong and very far from a waste of space! Speak to your supervisor about the stats - they will want you to pass and you will get help. Have you thought about what you want to do once you get your PhD? Can you see a different GP at the practice? Please don't give up, it sounds like you are close to your viva if you have examiners involved now. Once you pass (and you will if you've got as far as submitting your thesis, even if it needs a rework and a re viva) you will have a title Dr that no one can ever take away from you. You worked for that s d you can be immensely proud.

TooFatToShop Mon 20-Jun-16 15:16:21

My PhD is bollocks. I'm in the first year and I'm coasting it. I hardly do any work and get by. The viva examiners noticed that I can't do stats for shit and have pounced on it. I have dyslexia which effects my ability to deal with maths.

My stupid uni has a progression viva in the first year.

EveOnline2016 Mon 20-Jun-16 15:17:21

What are you studying.

You should be proud that despite 2 young children you are trying to better yourself.

Perhaps a change of medication may help.

TooFatToShop Mon 20-Jun-16 15:18:55

I've spent 33 years trying to find my place in the world and I still haven't.

Just when I think I've found my calling, my purpose (PhD), it becomes apparent that I can't even do that right.

EyefulTower Mon 20-Jun-16 15:19:24

Depression is really common, and is bloody awful If you're feeling suicidal, obviously your medication is not working well enough. You need more medication, or a different type. Please tell your GP exactly how you're feeling and insist on a change or increase to your medication.

You can't see it now because of your illness but you are amazing! Bringing up children while studying for a PhD and battling through depression is a pretty massive achievement. Hopefully your tutors will help you with how to go forward and address the stats issue, but give yourself a break, you have so much going on. There's only so much a person can cope with at once so be nice to yourself.

SolomanDaisy Mon 20-Jun-16 15:19:42

Is your PhD on a heavily defined topic? Unless your funding is very specific it seems like the obvious thing to do would be to drop the stats portion of your PhD. Plenty of PhDs use only qualitative data, there's no point relying on an area where you know you're weak.

TooFatToShop Mon 20-Jun-16 15:20:01

Eve I've been on so many types of antidepressant over the years that I've lost count. I wish I were dead and didn't have to wake up in the morning.

TheseLittleEarthquakes Mon 20-Jun-16 15:21:49

I am very often suicidal and part of my care plan is that when I am I have to go straight to the local Urgent Treatment Centre or A&E. Can you do this? There will be a duty SNP who will talk to you, give you medication if needed and probably refer you to the Crisis Team or whatever the local equivalent is for you.

Please do this.

TooFatToShop Mon 20-Jun-16 15:21:54

I work in a field where we use stats (specifically SPSS) to analysise our data. No escaping it.

I tick all the other boxes for academia but not this one. Never will.

TooFatToShop Mon 20-Jun-16 15:22:58

I can phone crisis team, but what can they do?? They can't make me a decent worthwhile human being?

I'm glad you're here as a loving Mum to your DC. They need you.
I paid a few taxes over the years as have my wider family.
Like you me and they have also taken out, especially as students in the good old days when that was paid for.
Anyway you can have my contribution.
You don't need to do anything to deserve it except to keep on keeping on.
If you need help with that then please reach out for it to all those around you, both those whose job that is, and all those who love you, or even like you a bit flowers

Please ring the Samaritans if you are feeling suicidal
116 123
www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

You are going through a really stressful time right now so it may feel overwhelming but you are still a worthwhile person who matters.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Mon 20-Jun-16 15:24:55

No I won't give you a slap. It's a massive hug you need.
Usless I don't bloody think so. You're a SAHM. Which is the hardest job in the world with no tea break or holiday pay.
And on top of that. You're studying for a PhD. I'd say you're pretty amazing.
I'm not going to talk about the abortion much as it is obviously something you have thought about deeply. No women makes such a decision lightly. I can't imagine how painful that is.
Are you getting RL support. Xflowers

timelytess Mon 20-Jun-16 15:25:15

I think you are amazing. You have two children and can still manage to study? You're worth my (former-taxpayer's) investment. And such a fabulous example to your children, who will get good educations and work/pay tax to keep me in my later old age.
You will deal with the doctorate stuff. Find out what needs to be done, get some advice, do it. Seems impossible but a bit at a time. Are you entitled to support for your dyslexia? Have you asked Student Services, or whatever operates in your university? You've come this far, you can go the rest of the way.
It all feels too much. I know. Do you have a soft toy for hugging and crying into? The simplest things help, sometimes.

TheseLittleEarthquakes Mon 20-Jun-16 15:26:11

The crisis team will come and visit you, wrote up a care plan and decide which services are best placed to help you. Here they have an acute day service that you can visit every day for four weeks to do mindfulness, anxiety management skills, art therapy etc. I've always found that having that focus for a few weeks gets me on an even keel to stop feeling suicidal, at least until the next time.

I'm also having therapy to learn to recognise that thoughts aren't facts, that you are viewing things through wonky filters and to build self esteem.

You need professional help. Is there any in your life who could advocate on your behalf -.a partner, friend, parent, sibling? You're in crisis at the moment, you won't always feel like this flowers

TooFatToShop Mon 20-Jun-16 15:27:42

I've had a million professionals. No one has helped me. I'm untreatable.

Trying2bgd Mon 20-Jun-16 15:28:12

Stop and take a breath. Doing a PhD means you are giving in terms of knowledge to society and you are valued and very much needed. Ask for help from your supervisors.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 20-Jun-16 15:29:38

How long do you have to get somebody to give you a good grounding in statistics, OP? It's defeatist to say that you never will 'get it', stats is like any other subject and is learnable.

Who do you have in your student cohort or lecturing staff who could help you here?

It's not the end of the world to fail but if you don't try, it will be a waste of your time and you'll regret it/continue to use it as a stick to beat yourself with. Putting aside the other things going on in your life which nobody here can help you with, what do you need to get through the stats?

TooFatToShop Mon 20-Jun-16 15:30:48

My supervisor said arrange an appointment with a stats specialist. I did so. It is tomorrow. But I have no idea what data/information they need. It's a waste of their time.

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