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Mental health

Any idea how I get through this? Sorry long.

4 replies

flanjabelle · 19/06/2016 09:33

I have bpd, but have been well since dd was born 2 and a half years ago. I had psychotherapy alongside medication (quetiapine, anti depressants etc) which got it under control, gave me coping mechanisms, helped me work through my childhood and violent rape when I was a teen.

Now I'm not well. My dp (actually fiance, but for ease I will write dp) has been admitted to a psych ward and diagnosed with ptsd, bpd and psychotic episodes. He is currently psychotic, experiencing auditory hallucinations which are trying to make him kill himself. He had an awful childhood, then was horrifically abused by an older woman from the age of 12.

We had an argument the day before he was admitted because I had found he had lied about something small. It sounds stupid, but we have a 100% honesty policy after he treated me awfully two years ago. He became mentally unwell, but didn't seek help as he wasn't able at the time and instead took illegal drugs and became emotionally and financially abusive towards me. He then had a full breakdown, but was still not able to seek the help and just lost himself in drugs (mainly crack cocaine). We had separated as I had to put dd first once i realised he was using and keep her safe, no contact etc, and he attempted suicide on various occasions but unbelievably was still not admitted to hospital or given the help he needed.

He has been clean of drugs for a year and a half, and things had been good, amazing actually. We rebuilt things from the start, with honesty and we have supported each other brilliantly. He let me in about the abuse, the extent of his childhood trauma etc, and we have been working through it together. He has been seeking out mental health help for nearly a year, but has been bounced around with all the people he has seen passing the buck as they aren't sure how to deal with him and mistakes have been made, leaving him without support apart from the drug counselling, so nothing a dressing his actual mental health, just addiction.

He finally had the appointment for secondary mental health services the day we had the argument. It fucked him in the head and he was feeling messed up and lied about something. I lost my shit. I shouldn't have, but I couldn't help the reaction I had.

The argument set something off in me though. I felt all the pain from the separation and the traumatising events around it and I found myself stuck in a loop, unable to get out of it. I was screaming at him that he had lied and that I hated him, how could he live with himself for lying to me again. The pain of the humiliation I felt when we split and all the trauma of that time came to the surface. I went into a complete historical state, unable to calm myself down. Luckily dd wasn't with me at the time. I got myself so upset that I actually passed out. It was a complete over reaction to the lie itself, but was clearly not even about that. It was absolute betrayal that we had come so fucking far, and then he lied to me. I was smashed down from such a height I didn't know how to manage my feelings at all and just reached a point of exhaustion I think. I woke up with my ears ringing and still feeling like I was going to vomit everywhere. I felt like I had been punched in the gut and couldn't let anything go.

Later on in the evening we tried to talk again, but I couldn't let it go. Not at all. I told him I hated him and couldn't let this go. I had tried again after everything he had put me through and all the lies he told me. I was in a complete spiral. Exactly like I used to be. I haven't been like that in years. I wasn't even like this when we split up, I think because I didn't have as far to fall. Things hadn't been good for a long time, whereas I have been dizzyingly happy since we started again.

The next day he was pulled down off a bridge and ended up sectioned and admitted. I'm not coping. He didn't even call me because of the fight we had. I was not able to give him the understanding he needed because of my own hurt and issues and he ended up there. The appointment he had dragged everything up, and then our fight pushed him over the edge.

He is now drugged up to the eyeballs in hospital and is badly psychotic. I feel bereaved, like I have lost him. All my bpd traits have returned massively and I'm insecure, paranoid, distressed, anxious, constantly overthinking, hating myself, having intrusive thoughts, I feel so fucking low I don't know what to do. How am I supposed to parent like this? I am awake most of the night, and when I am asleep I am having vivid nightmares. I have slept for about 6 hours total in the last three days.

The signal is bad at the hospital, so when he doesn't reply to a text I am immediately thinking he doesn't love me anymore or he has managed to kill himself like the voice wants him to.

He is my number one support and I am lost without him. He is my best friend and I feel completely alone. I have some family support and a friend who is supportive but I need him, but he is not there right now. He's gone and I need him. Selfishly I want him to come out and pretend he is ok just to make me feel better. I want normal and I'm not going to get it. I want what feels safe, I want him to come to bed and hold me so I can sleep. I don't want to go to the hospital to see him and get shouted obscene things at by other patients and see the zombie that is supposed to be my dp. I want all my horrible thoughts to go away and to feel safe again.

I am exhausted and I'm trying to parent a toddler. How the fuck do I get through this? How do I feel this unwell without him there to support me?

I am spiralling out of control and I don't know how to sort it out.

It has taken everything to write this out, so please can someone tell me what to do. I don't know if I'm going to reply on the thread or not, I'm losing my sanity and my ability to cope and I don't know what the fuck to do. I'm trying to keep the bad thoughts away and I can't.