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i can't cope with this life.

(15 Posts)
IAmAHorriblePerson Sat 18-Jun-16 01:01:45

and there's nothing even that bad about it.

potted history is i have severe agoraphobia and social anxiety = i can't go out on my own or use the phone.

i self harm and have done for years. it is bad tonight. i want out of this life (this is NOT a suicide note - i have no intention of offing myself though it is the right thing to do).

everything is a constant struggle. i am childfree btw, so no-one else to worry about. i hate everything about myself. my life is empty. i have nothing to be stressed over but everything is a struggle. i can't do it anymore.

Just5minswithDacre Sat 18-Jun-16 01:08:55

One minute at a time. Don't think about the big stuff tonight flowers

IAmAHorriblePerson Sat 18-Jun-16 01:15:43

thank you. i'm so sorry for posting. i'm sorry as well for the shitty grammar and lack of capital letters, i can't seem to function tonight and i am normally more coherent.

i don't know what is big stuff and what isn't, i don't know what counts as anything and what is me being melodramatic.

Just5minswithDacre Sat 18-Jun-16 01:16:37

Don't be sorry.

What's made it bad tonight?

EttaJ Sat 18-Jun-16 01:19:45

Op I'm sorry you're so low, can you break it down for us a bit?

IAmAHorriblePerson Sat 18-Jun-16 01:25:48

tonight isn't really any different to any other, tbh. i think about dying all the time. it's a casual thought for me. sometimes it's strong, sometimes it's just a passing fancy but it is always something i know that i would like.

i hurt myself a lot and tonight it's bad but i can deal with it, it's not something that i need anyone else to look at. i'm experienced with doctoring myself up.

i'm not making any sense am i? i'm sorry. i'm really really sorry. i feel like an idiot for saying anything. i thought about making this thread all night and i shouldn't have done it.

etta, i don;t know what to break down. everything is a jumble. i'm sorry.

Just5minswithDacre Sat 18-Jun-16 01:32:35

You're making sense and you don't need to keep apologising. It all sounds really tough.

What medical or counselling support are you getting?

EttaJ Sat 18-Jun-16 01:42:25

You're not an idiot, you have nothing to apologize for. Sorry by break it down I meant , what specifically. Just to get an idea of what particularly makes you feel like harming and what makes you feel life isn't worth living. You are not an idiot , seriously.

IAmAHorriblePerson Sat 18-Jun-16 01:42:44

support is a mess.

recently re-referred to the cmht - i've seen them before and they've been less than useful but they are pretty much my only option. they are however, only interested in my weight; i'm previously diagnosed anorexic and am admittedly currently underweight.

no therapy/counselling. i am on medication but i struggle to take it due to contamination phobia. support is pretty minimal tbh, i don't trust them at all and i don't feel able to be honest about anything.

i am sorry though. i'm a rambling mess.

IAmAHorriblePerson Sat 18-Jun-16 01:45:28

i want to self harm from the moment i get up until the moment i sleep. being myself is the trigger. i wake up and remember that i am worthless, so hurting myself is the logical step from there, because why wouldn't i punish myself?

i want to die because my life has nothing in it. i have never wanted to be alive. never. i have always held on for other people, or held on because 'there's something better around the corner' but there isn't.

sorry for double posting.

EttaJ Sat 18-Jun-16 02:02:31

Holding on for other people, family, friends?

FaithLoveandHope Sat 18-Jun-16 02:20:27

I'm struggling to cope tonight, am absolutely exhausted and can't process much so I'm sorry I'm not going to be very helpful but I just wanted to offer you a very unmumsnetty hug and some flowers and for you to know you're not alone. I can relate to a lot of what you've said tonight.

IAmAHorriblePerson Sat 18-Jun-16 02:41:33

i was holding on for family; i don't have friends. when i was younger, it would have been devastating for my mum to lose a child. now though, she will imminently have a grandchild to focus on, and i know she'll be okay.

faith, i'm so sorry you are struggling so much too. i wouldn't want anyone else to feel this way. take care of yourself.

Just5minswithDacre Sat 18-Jun-16 10:44:28

* when i was younger, it would have been devastating for my mum to lose a child. now though, she will imminently have a grandchild to focus on, and i know she'll be okay.*

That's not true. A DGC doesn't replace a DC or compensate for their loss.

flowers

FaithLoveandHope Mon 20-Jun-16 12:46:36

How are you feeling now? I'm sorry I haven't replied before.

As Just said, a DGC is not a replacement. I do hope you're feeling slightly better in yourself now. I'm not feeling good at all today.

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