Do you ever wonder if there's any point trying to get better?

[FedUpAndFrustratedMH]

I've been working really hard recently with my MH issue using the CBT methods I've been taught. I've been fighting through the physical effects of anxiety that result from it and the headaches and chest pains etc. I started feeling quite positive this last few weeks that this might FINALLY be the time stuff starts to get better and I might be able to have a better future for me and dd.

And then I start to think about the future. I make the mistake of reading threads on here and the stuff I read makes me wonder what's the point of trying so hard now when as soon as I'm back in the real world (housebound almost atm bar school and docs etc) I'll be triggered off again by stress and end up back at square one.

Like I've just read a thread where someone shouted at a colleague. It got me thinking about how if I manage to work again, I wouldn't be able to pick and choose who I work with so I could be back with people/managers who bully me or shout at me etc and that will make me ill again. Or I could be walking home from work or to work and get abuse shouted at me in the street again. Back to square one. Or harassed on the bus. The social politics of interacting again and the stress it causes me which triggers my MH issues. The stress of hours being cut or zero hour contracts or juggling bills and finances that rely on wages which in turn rely on being well enough to get to work.

So then I just feel like what's the point. I'll build myself back up and then get ill again. It's just an endless cycle really and it's a bit like why don't I just accept the MH version of my life and live it happily instead of trying to get better. I don't know. I'm rambling but does anyone feel the same?

[Wolfiefan]

I am not sure I will go back to work but I am well enough to function at home and enjoy time with my family. I have decided that I won't ever be well enough to be a CEO but I can be well enough to be me.
What DOES make you want to be well? To be able to go out for a picnic? To volunteer?

[FedUpAndFrustratedMH]

I like how you worded that not being well enough to be a CEO but well enough to be you. I feel like I would be happy being just me too. But then I start to worry and get stuck in a loop of trying to get better and failing and trying again and failing. The thing that makes me want to be well is independence. To be able to learn to drive and do things with dd and not live in fear of brown envelopes from the benefit people. I rely so much on family too and I can see them getting tired of me :(

[Wolfiefan]

The envelopes! I couldn't open any post for quite a while. (No idea what I thought would be in them!)
I have good and bad spells. You need to get out of the idea that a bad spell is failing. Today I stuffed a chocolate bar and had a lager. Is that a failure? Or is it a win because I went to the gym and did a homecooked meal rather than a takeaway?!
I'm going with win. Ok. Winnish!
Some days will be better than others. Always look to the bits that are best and try and build on them.
Sorry I sound like a shitty self help book but it works for me!