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I'm eroding the good stuff between us because of my obsessional behaviours. Help.

(7 Posts)
fieldofpurpleflowers Mon 06-Jun-16 13:34:52

I have had about six boyfriends and am 27. I have bipolar disorder and am on meds. When I was sickest, suicidal and totally off the rails, I lived with a man I was also sleeping with. This was after I'd got out of an abusive relationship.

We weren't "official" because he felt it'd be too much pressure as we were housemates, kind of moving too fast. I felt insecure as a consequence and constantly obsessed over the idea of him being with someone else, being ashamed of me, finding me unattractive, and using me.

I was so upset with his lack of commitment that I told all my friends and family he was an arsehole who was leading me on. When I tried to explain my part in it all, nobody believed me - "oh no, you're great! you'd never be clingy/obsessive/etc." because they've never seen me like that. They wouldn't let me get a word in edgeways about my side.

Eventually I moved out, and he got a girlfriend. They announced it on FB and that's how I knew. He'd been sexting me the day before and a week earlier had told me he wasn't seeing anyone. I flipped completely, got the train to his and refused to leave until we "talked". My heart was pounding and I felt like I might die from the panic. I was acting nuts.

Now she's out of the picture. I went NC for months, probably 8 months. He tried to get in touch by various routes and I blocked them all. Then I answered and we arranged to meet. Everyone told me I was at risk of getting hurt, they wouldn't listen when I said I was in a dark place with my bipolar and that his lack of commitment was because I was behaving like a prize fucking lunatic.

I went to see him to "show" him how sane I am now. I was doing OK. We chatted every day, then he went silent/ghosted for 48 hours. I panicked it was like the old times and I sent tons of messages. He claimed his phone was just upstairs/he'd been asleep and was short with me. I asked if we were going to be official and he said not now I'd sent all those messages.

I've blown it by reacting to my anxiety and pushing and pushing him. Something happens when I feel he's pulling away; I feel frustrated and stressed and want to keep picking at the scab, to force him to react. I don't know why I'm like this and I hate it.

NanaNina Mon 06-Jun-16 15:29:06

Phew..........you have enough with a serious mental illness without all this worry. Can I ask about your childhood because it sounds like you have "abandonment issues" and the mere thought of being abandoned sends you into a blind panic, and the fear pushes you on and on...............

I don't know whether you subscribe to the view that our behaviours are a product of experience and mostly that goes back to our childhood - and any trauma, difficulty, upset, anxiety etc will very often "follow" us into our adulthood. Very often we aren't aware of this because it is all being played out at a subconscious level.

When I read the title about your "obsessional behaviours" I thought you were talking about OCD but I don't think that's the case after reading your OP. I don't think your behaviour is obsessional at all. Sounds to me like you've hooked up with a bloke who has a lot of issues of his own (which one of us doesn't!) and is somewhat emotionally immature. He's playing "cat and mouse" with you - "now you see it, now you don't" so it might be better if you can be analytical about his behaviour - and at the same time think how your past life has affected your emotional responses and needs.

You say "I've blown it by reacting to my anxiety" well it's a pretty normal this for us to "react to our anxiety" we're not zombies. Anxiety means fear and we're conditioned instinctively to react to fear. Adrenalin surges through our body to enable us to deal with the fear. It's called being human!!

I don't know your age but I honestly think you need to realise this r/ship is not doing you any good. You are vulnerable as those of us with a mental illness are, and we need strong, stable relationships with men who will support us and who are emotionally mature.

I think you really need a good therapist but this is going to cost (around £50 an hour) dependent on where you live. You might be able to get it on the NHS but it's usually CBT which is about the "here and now" whereas I think you need help in uncovering what was going on for you in the "there and then" if that makes any sense.

fieldofpurpleflowers Mon 06-Jun-16 15:57:33

Hi Nana, thanks for taking the time to talk to me. I've been stuck in an anxiety spiral for about three days now. I took the day off work but I'm lying on a bed without any sheets on it just worrying and worrying. Distraction is nearly impossible. I am struggling to get it under control at all.

My childhood was OK. My best friend faked a suicide attempt aged 13 and told her mum it was our suicide pact in order to try to shift blame. My parents reacted badly, confiscated my phone, and I thought the friend had died for a while. She made the whole thing up for attention because she had a bad home life (alcoholic mother). I was a very sensitive child and the whole thing scarred me because I lost my friend, and thought I'd lost her to death. My parents argued loads and the family would split down the middle - my mum would take my little brother out and leave me with my dad (the "bad" ones). My dad would usually be cross/in a mood and not talk to me. I often got told I was "just like your father" and lumped into the "bad" category when mum exploded or had a temper problem. I was occasionally smacked from a young age and threatened with physical violence/yelled at, but my dad would tell you "you know what your mother's like, just don't wind her up". She was OK if you did what she wanted and didn't respond to her when she was angry. Her dad was an alcoholic and it affected her deeply, she sees people as either good or bad and can't integrate qualities of good and bad into one person, it's like she sees you as housing multiple people at once that don't mix.

One of my friends killed herself at 18 so that was a loss, it triggered another depressed episode. I was depressed from 13+ and made friends on a self-harm support website, but we met up in person all the time, and she was one of those girls.

I feel like I have obsessive panicky behaviours a lot.

My first boyfriend would lose his temper with me a lot and suddenly block my number and ignore me for days. I'd panic and try to apologise/get it back. It was a lot like my relationship with my mum: she'd lose her temper, I'd panic and beg her "please talk to me" but she could continue silent treatment for ages. Once, I wrote a letter explaining how sad I was and she came into my room and silently ripped it up and threw it at me.

The bf I had before seeing S (the current guy) had a similar pattern of blocking/ignoring and then idealising. He had a tricky relationship with his mother. He dumped me a few times by posting a letter through my door and driving off, blocking my phone number. I'm ashamed to say I would have moved heaven and earth to get him back and I harassed/grovelled to get the relationship back each time.

One thing I do is persistently check Facebook, call someone multiple times, and if I live nearby I'd go round to try to make the person speak to me. I know this is horrendous and I want to stop doing it.

I worry if we part "on bad terms" that's it and I won't get the chance to repair it. I struggle to give space because I worry they're leaving me for good.

I know S pulls back/won't commit and it probably triggers these behaviours, but I also want to train myself not to do them, so I can stop acting so utterly mental. But I can't seem to stop it.

You might be right about the therapy/CBT.

I am seeing a sort of health/life coach and she thinks I need to work on things like asserting my rights and needs. That is true, but honestly I feel like I'm 100% selfish, acting crazy all the time, pressuring this guy to be with me. That's not "ignoring my own needs" that's prioritising them over his. I really dislike myself at the moment.

NanaNina Mon 06-Jun-16 18:41:22

Dear go Purple - how can you describe your childhood as "OK" - it sounds horrendous. I'm not blaming your parents, because that goes back to their parents etc etc but the reason for the way you are functioning is all there in your post.

Look I don't have much time now but I'll post again. In the meantime, please try to distract yourself, trashy TV, music, audio tapes, anything to stop that tape in your head whirring round and round and round. This might sound daft and you might not want to try, but when this has happened to me in the past I sing (got a shocking voice) but so long as no one can hear me, it does in fact stop the shit for a little while.

NanaNina Mon 06-Jun-16 18:41:52

I meant dear god!!

fieldofpurpleflowers Mon 06-Jun-16 20:30:22

Thanks for replying. I said sorry to him thinking we could go back to normal. He has been posting pics on Facebook but ignoring my messages. He then sent me "Stop panicking! Nothing is different!" when obviously everything is different, he is acting angry with me and not talking to me. We normally talk every day, he sends "good morning" and "goodnight". Today, nothing since we argued.

I asked why he's not talking to me and he said he's in a shit mood and cba talking to me.

I've been in floods of tears for hours. I know I'm acting pathetic. I just feel so hurt and I want to fix it but I don't even know what I've done.

fieldofpurpleflowers Mon 06-Jun-16 20:31:26

He said his bad mood isn't due to me and he's sorry I'm receiving the bad end of his temper

I feel awful inside

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