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Do I need counselling? If so, what type?

(4 Posts)
needacounsellor Tue 24-May-16 16:14:53

I'll try to keep this brief. I'm 53, married 25 years, 1 adult DS.
I'm increasingly feeling irritated and bored with my husband. He's a nice enough person now, and has been very kind over the last 16 or so years but before then we had major problems, mainly physical abuse over a period of 10 years until I packed my bags and he begged me to give him another chance.

So things have been pretty good since then. Money-wise we're very lucky, no problems at all, in fact he plans to retire next year when he's 55. I'll keep working part time.

Socially, he's quite introvert. He normally makes an effort in company but has stopped doing so over the last few months and he's embarrassing me by sitting like a stuffed teddy at dinner parties etc.

He's also really negative, so if I suggest that we do somehting different, he always has a reason not to try it.

He's basically boring me to tears. He's aware that something's wrong and was tryng to get it out of me last night but I just tried to reassure him that everything's fine.

The thing is that although he hasn't been violent for a very long time, for those 10 years, I suffered repeated beatings including being kicked on the ground when I was pregnant. One of our children died in infancy and I strongly suspect that her brain damage was because of the physical abuse. He even now gets very aggressive (verbally) occasionally which makes me really scared.

On the surface, we have a nice life, lots of holidays and a beautiful home with no money worries but I can't help wondering what life would have been like if I'd walked out on him 25 years ago after the first beating.

I don't think I want to leave, I just want to be able to talk to him without him sulking or getting angry but I've given up trying now.

Although I have good friends, none who I can really talk to about this.

Am I just going through a mid life crisis or should I divorce him, I don't know.

So I'm thinking maybe I should get a counsellor to talk things though with but I have no clue what type I need.

sorry it's so long, any ideas gratefully received.

needacounsellor Tue 24-May-16 16:27:31

Sorry I know it's not long since my post but I'm logging off in as sec (from work) so would be grateful if anyone has any advice

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn Tue 24-May-16 19:30:20

i think that counselling could help you come to terms with the abuse you suffered and the loss of your child. There's some great person- entered counsellors out there that could help you. You could see if you can get referred from your GP or look on line locally.

I don't think that counselling will resolve how you feel about your DH and make you feel better about being with him though. Counselling can't stop the fact that he abused you and still uses verbal aggression to keep you in your place.

You're not happy with him. At 53 you've still got a good 20-30+ of life ahead of you. There's still time to be happy.

GoldfishCrackers Fri 27-May-16 12:01:13

Your husband is still abusive - he's just made the minimum changes to try to keep you there.

Counselling on your own may help you think about whether you want this life for the next 30 years. Talking to CAB/a solicitor will let you know how your life may look financially if you leave him.
I suggest you get this moved to Relationships board for more advice.

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