struggling

[mslicketysplit]

I don't know where to start. I have bipolar and ptsd and I've started to feel very depressed again. I feel suicidal and I've planned it all out. I've become obsessed with thinking about it and researching. My psychologist knows and gave me the option of going to hospital last week but I refused. I want to phone him tomorrow and change my mind; my head's in a mess. Don't know what i'm looking for here; just someone to talk to I think.

[Orchidflower1]

Hey - well done for having the courage to rethink going into hospital. Have you got a crisis number you could phone- if not the Samaritans will listen. They also text you if you don't/ can't talk. Stay strong. I keep telling myself it WILL get better. It may take time but it will. Sending you calming and kind thoughts.

[mslicketysplit]

Thanks Orchidflower. They don't have crisis teams here but I called breathing space earlier. I see what you mean about things getting better. My thinking is that I don't know if I want to experience depression like this on and off for the rest of my life. I also feel like such a burden to my family.

[Orchidflower1]

I'm sure your family don't feel you are a burden at all - that is the illness talking. You are unwell at the moment just as some people have s flair up if arthritis/ high blood pressure etc you are having a flair up but it will get better. Can you go thro some photos at look at some good times to remind u of the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.

[runnerselbow]

Hang on in there OP! Is there something you can do this evening to take your mind off things a bit until the morning when you can ring your psychologist? Perhaps go for a walk, watch a good film or cook something nice? Calling the breathing space line sounds lije a good idea - sometimes it can really help to just verbalise how you feel and talk it through with someone. I know it feels awful right now but reaching out for help is the best thing - these feelings will at some point pass. Sending .

[mslicketysplit]

Just wrote a big reply and it disappeared. Thanks for replying; I feel like someone cares now. Dh is persuading me to wash my hair as I haven't washed it since Thursday . Going to watch the last episode of undercover.

[Orchidflower1]

That's a good idea for both- I always feel better after a wash/ shower. Enjoy your tv - maybe a cuppa and some biccies too? Sleep well and let us know how you get on tom .

[mslicketysplit]

Spoken to the psychologist and I've to have an admission assessment mid morning . I'll see how it goes .

[Orchidflower1]

Thanks for updating- hope all goes well x

[mslicketysplit]

I'm in my room waiting for the nurse to do the admission papers. Not sure yet if I've made the right decision. I feel exhausted. Dh just left to do the school run.

[Orchidflower1]

Hope you feel more rested later

[runnerselbow]

Hi OP how are you feeling today? How did the appointment go? X

[mslicketysplit]

I'm feeling very tired and still have an urge to kill myself but I'm safe in the hospital. They want me to stay for a few weeks and at the moment I'm only allowed in the grounds with staff or family. The psychiatrist promised he can make me better. I don't really believe it but I'm going to give him a chance.

[Orchidflower1]

Glad you're safe xxx

[mslicketysplit]

Still in hospital out on a pass. This is the first time I've been in the house on my own and it's not going well. Scared to go out because I'm scared of people and of what I might do . Feel like a terrible waste of a human being . Not able to be normal. Just wish I could be erased.