Anxiety raising ugly head today - help needed

[boomboom198]

I have suffered from anxiety of different forms on and off since my early twenties. Life circumstances seem to dictate whether I am suffering significantly or not. For the last few years it's been mainly under control and I am very very aware of when I am having anxious thoughts / over-thinking things BUT that doesn't seem to stop it happening.

This weekend I am solo parenting because my DH is off on a cycling trip for his mates' 40th. I am very happy for him to go, deserves a break and has helped to organise the trip (15 blokes). There will be plenty of drinking as well as cycling and I am fine with all of this, he gets that I get anxious and is good at keeping in touch with me and kids whenever (rarely) away from home. BUT I am massively anxious about the whole thing. My anxiety has been building over the last few weeks and I have managed to keep a lid on it / not say anything (it often comes out as anger if I speak to him and I really am not angry so don't want to show that to him!). Anyway I can't stop obsessing that he will have a car crash (they're travelling 4.5hrs away) particularly on the way back as they will go out on the last night to celebrate the 40th. He's not driving, another friend is but I know he has a fast car and I can't stop worrying myself stupid that something is going to go wrong.

Last night I contemplated asking him to get the train home but I know he will think me insane (also takes 6 hours) meaning he wouldn't be home to see the kids before they go to bed. I know it's 'sensible' to not worry and be grateful he will be home early afternoon ish but I just keep imagining the worst.

Then last night I started worrying about a cycling accident.

My anxiety always flares massively when he has to go away / on a trip. I stupidly read an article about being a single parent today and I think that's sent me in a spin.

Any tips? I have forgotten all the CBT techniques I learnt years ago. I can speak to DH but tbh there's not much point because he can't do anything to reassure me can he?

[boomboom198]

PS I should also say that anxiety has taken on several different forms over the years for me. I have suffered badly with trust issues and jealousy (which DH has really helped me get over) and I have worked hard on myself to make me happy. confident etc so I don't worry about being abandoned! BUT i still have issues around health anxiety (for self and kids mainly) and to worry a lot about DH being in an accident etc. It seems whatever I do it always comes back in some form and I hate it. I know I will spend the next 3 days in a constant heightened state until he is home which is ridiculous isn't it?

[Boomboom198]

Really struggling tonight. Has anyone any tips on how to 'ignore' the thoughts that come in? I just feel on edge all of the time and white tearful but do not want to be like this and be emotional wreck for DH before he leaves. Why can't I get a grip?!

[Orchidflower1]

Boom boom - I really feel for you- it's horrible feeling anxious and even worse when you don't want to show it. Have you something you could distract yourself with? I'm really into reading the paper at the moment- short sharp little articles to focus on, even just perusing the TV guide and planning viewing for the next few days can take the edge off. Could you make s list of things you could do whilst dh is away - a mix of " jobs" and fun stuff eg tidy sock drawer, paint nails, catch up on rubbish tv ( the stuff hubby doesn't like). I try and tell myself that these feelings WILL pass and I WILL feel better. Stick with it - keep posting if you need to 💐

[NanaNina]

So sorry boom anxiety is horrid. Have you got any meds for it. I think Orchid has given you some good ideas. I think you might not feel so bad once DH has actually gone - I think the waiting is probably worse. As far as the drive is concerned get him to phone you on the way there and back and have an agreement that you can phone him whenever you feel anxious. I'm a bit the same over car journies.

[Memyselfandthatotherperson]

I used to get very anxious about my DH before I transferred it on to my dc and I found distractions invaluable. I'd plan the activity for when he was away. A walk into town and to the shops or the beach. The movies. Duvet day. The theme was self nurturing. Also, I learnt not to have set times for phone calls as if he wasn't able to call (for genuine fine reasons) I would immediately panic.
I feel your pain, anxiety is a fucker.

[Boomboom198]

Thank you so much, I instantly feel better just to know others understand!

No meds, took them years ago and never needed them since as I (generally) can cope with it. Now I use a bit of meditation and a couple of glasses of wine ha ha! I've had a glass this eve and am watching Tv (while he packs) and I think like you say I will feel much better once he's gone and at least arrived safely.

When he's gone I'll probably text him to say I was a bit anxious about the journey but only if I really feel I need to. I've learnt from passed that me being needy this eve would only end in an argument and me feeling sad. At the moment things are great between us and I know If he goes off happy he will be calling me lots / missing us and that's the best way to be.

Right now I'm ok, it comes in waves right?! I found it incredibly tough at 5pm this eve with two kids, tired and grumpy and I felt shattered and so scared that I have a whole weekend stretched out ahead!! Feel a bit overwhelmed I guess but when I am in it I am sure I will feel better to just be getting on with it!

[Orchidflower1]

Heyboom I agree with nana - I think you'll feel better once he's gone- maybe not for the first few minutes but after that- the waiting for anything particularly if you're anxious.

[Haggisfish]

I think I also write down my fears and then when he gets back, write down what actually happened. Then, next time he goes away you have something to look at to remind yourself none of your worries came true. This does help me when I fret-I have lots of past incidents if worry with very boring results that help to reassure me next time. I would also plan lots of activities with dc so you have less time to fret. And make sure your wills are up to date!

[Orchidflower1]

Hey op how are you today?

[Orchidflower1]

How is your weekend going boomboom?

[Boomboom198]

So sorry for late reply! Yes in the end it was ok, i basically worked on the 'busy is good' concept and was so busy I was exhausted both evenings and tbh didn't have time to be anxious. I had a few pangs of anxiety on Sunday AM knowing they were driving back tired and hungover but managed to stay calm.

It was all massively helped by the fact that he stayed in touch loads the whole weekend so I felt I knew he was OK all the time.

I took the advice of Haggisfish and have written down my thoughts and feelings to remind me next time I really do not have to dread it so much. Having said that dealing with the kids for 3 days was hard work!!