dh acts like I'm the enemy

[numbinside]

I've changed my name for this post. I'm trying to be as dispassionate as possible in what I write (trying to sort things out in my own head as much as anything).

When I met dh he was starting up his own business. X number of years on, it seems to be still not much past the start up stage, although he appears to be working hard. At the time I was in a career that paid well but I did not enjoy. After some time, me being the breadwinner (and supporting his start up) became an issue between us, so we bought a business as a going concern which required us to relocate to a rural area. For a couple of years life was fine. Business no.2 was (and still is) doing well, but dh lost interest in it, leaving me to run it alone. It was hell for me, because every conversation about investment in business no.2 became personal. We considered selling business no.2, but I refused because with nothing specific to do instead, I saw that option as financial suicide - dh's first resentment against me: I don't have faith in him.

Business no.2 is now being very successfully run by a manager. This works really well, because those financial conversations are now business and not personal.

But - and this is a big but - dh hates where we live, because we are, admittedly, a long way from anywhere. On the other hand, I feel safe when he is away on business no.1, if I have a problem, I can call any number of neighbours who would help me, and the local schools are fantastic. When dd was born in our local nhs hospital, I had a midwife to myself all the way through labour. So I don't want to move. Plus, if we moved back to the southeast, as dh wants, the money we would get for our large house would barely buy a 3-bed house, and heaven only knows what he would do for an office (he works from home) - his second big grudge against me.

Dh has little social contact with anyone here, but that it his choice. He has made a blanket decision that he hates people here.

To cap it all, I think he suffers from SAD, and at the moment he's at the bottom of his annual black hole. He barely speaks to me, let alone have a conversation about where we go from here. If we do try to have a conversation, it usually ends up with him stomping off and me in tears. In the past I have coped with the depression, but at the moment, I am really struggling.

[jenwa]

It seems a hard time at the moment.

Would he be happier living somewhere else and is with near people he knows or would he have to actually meet new people? If his job invlolves home based work then he wont get the chance to go out and about and meet people but he obviously has not attempted to do that and taken an opinion on people already.
It must be hard for you as you seem to have made changes in your life to support him and the buisness and maybe he feels uncomfortable about that and resents you. It has been you sorting out the second buisness and you have proved that it works and maybe he is still finding it difficult setting up his. Will he let you help him with this one?

[LizaLu]

Have you ever considered going for marriage guidance. My sister works as a mediator and I know the difference somebody in the middle can make to moving conversations foward, coming to agreement etc. I also know my dp would be really reluctant to go to counsellimng - seeing it as the end!! but it really could help you move forward if you are having a lot of differences of opinion.

[numbinside]

I think what he resents at the moment is that I am happy and he is not. There's no way I would get him to agree to counselling, but I have thought about getting counselling on my own.

Dh would prefer to live near people he knows. He is originally from another country, and feels more comfortable with people from the same background. I have to say, I don't understand that attitude: I lived abroad for a few years, and actively avoided the local british community because I couldn't stand the ex-pat mentality. His business involves his home country, so my help is limited because I don't speak the language, and dh is not supportive of my efforts to learn - he has admitted that he likes being able to do something I can't. There is a beginners class not to far from here, but he won't babysit dd for me to go. I could get someone else to babysit, but I have to say that a part of me feels that if he can't be bothered, then neither can I, and I would rather pay a babysitter occasionally during the day so I can do something I enjoy. If I'm perfectly honest, the social life he wants involves me sitting there like a lemon not understanding what is going on, which is not what I want.

Also, working together before put a huge strain on our marriage. I'm not sure I want to do it again.

[jenwa]

I cant believe he wont babysit for you! Thats awful! Why not? Would he babysit if you went out?

It seems he does not want you being part of his buisness and does not like the fact that you are capable of doing your own thing. He sounds like he wants to be the top dog and you the little houswife who does not understand what is going on!
He seems to be being very immature and would most definately benefit asking for you to help or at least being happy that you are willing to help (going to classes etc).


I hope you can sort things out.