I'm sorry.

[IAmAHorriblePerson]

I used to be a member here but I deleted when all the Jeffrey stuff happened. I'm so sorry for making a new account.

I don't know how to be okay with myself anymore. I despise everything about myself and I just want to be dead.

I have crippling anxiety - I can't use the phone, or leave the house on my own - and I have literally nothing in my life (no children so don't worry about anyone being dependent on me). I just want to die, my life is literally worthless.

Every day when I wake up, I wish that I hadn't. I don't want this anymore. I've emailed Samaritans in the past and it's not something that works for me. There is nothing out there for me. I don't know what else could help, my life is just empty and nothing and I want it over.

No idea why I am posting but people here have been so supportive in the past so I'm so sorry but I am asking for more of the same even though I am nothing and I don't deserve it.

[Aveiam]

You are precious. You are worth it.
This doesn't last forever.

[IAmAHorriblePerson]

Thank you but I think it does, this has been my life forever. Well not forever, I was a child once and it was okay then, but for the last 16 years (I'm 29), this has been me.

I am so far from precious. I'm nothing. You're lovely for replying, but I am just this vacuum of nothing but hatred and angst.

I'm sorry, I don't think I should have posted this.

[RunswickBay]

Everyone is something. Including you.

[Wolfiefan]

Of course you should post if you needed to. It was ok before and it can be ok in the future. You just need to find a way to get there. Tried GP? CBT? Meds?

[IAmAHorriblePerson]

I am toxic though, I am a fucking BANE on society. If I am something then I am negative and things which are negative should be destroyed for the greater good I think. I don't know. I want out of this. I'm so sorry just for existing, I don't know how to be better when my core is rotten.

[RunswickBay]

Keep talking. I'm listening xx

[Aveiam]

Do you want to say why you feel like this?

[IAmAHorriblePerson]

Been on so many meds, been under the CMHT, tried therapy but didn't have anything to really talk about. I am still medicated, but it doesn't really do anything.

[RunswickBay]

We cross posted then. Of course you're not negative. You're fine.

Are you on any meds?

[RunswickBay]

Argh cross posts again.

[IAmAHorriblePerson]

I feel like this because I am fundamentally worthless. I have nothing in my life, and I'm just a waste of space. I want to be 'normal', whatever that is, but that doesn't seem achievable for me.

I just want out of my entire life. It is empty and me opting out has no real effect.

I'm sorry for cross-posting, I keep forgetting to refresh before I post.

[threeelephants]

You have nothing to be sorry for. But you are wrong. You are not toxic, you are clearly ill. Have you had counselling? It sounds like you need some help. We all do, you know.
I understand the feeling that you've felt shit for so long you'll never feel better.
And I understand the anxiety.
But your life is precious. There will be a way through this.

[RunswickBay]

Cross posts aren't you're fault. They're mine.

Anyway I think you're doing brilliantly to be posting on here.

What do you enjoy?

[IAmAHorriblePerson]

Thank you all so, so much for replying to me when I know you must be struggling yourselves (to be on an MH board at this time of night).

I've tried counselling but have nothing really to talk about so they just ended the sessions. No real trauma, just a useless me.

[IAmAHorriblePerson]

Honestly Runswick, there isn't much I enjoy anymore. I used to like reading and films but I have no concentration and it's just hard to do much. I try to read but I don't care about the characters, I watch TV but I can't remember what happened in the previous episode. I don't care about anything.

[RunswickBay]

I don't think you sound useless. You're on here, talking to us.
What makes you feel happier? A cup of tea? Birds outside the window? Nice nails? What makes you you?

[RunswickBay]

Films are difficult sometimes as is,telly x

[IAmAHorriblePerson]

I literally don't have anything that makes me happier, how fucking pathetic is that? I don't go out, I don't speak to people unless it's absolutely necessary, I don't open my curtains. I don't see the sunshine, I don't do anything.

[RunswickBay]

Could you try seeing your gp

[IAmAHorriblePerson]

I see them 3-monthly for more meds. Different one every time. They're disinterested. It's an under-staffed, over-used surgery. It's not their fault at all, I am a burden on everyone who comes into contact with me.

God, I am so self-pitying. It's really ridiculous. There are people who SUFFER day to day, people who actually deserve something better and then there's me, this pathetic nothing who deserves everything she gets and just needs to stfu and die already.

[threeelephants]

Right, this feeling of nothingness is what is making it very, very clear you are ill.
If there was a trauma involved then it would be more complicated.
But honestly, truly, you are very poorly and need looking after.
If you came here with a broken bone and we told you to go and get it set, and mended, and get some painkillers, then you'd listen to us, wouldn't you?
Well you're ill in a different way, and you need to go to a doctor and get help.
Please. Go to a and e and tell them what you've told us. Tell them you have suicidal thoughts. Someone will take care of you, and make it better.

If you don't believe me...what have you got to lose? You may as well try.

Honestly, this isn't you. It's chemicals in your brain acting up, giving you these feelings.

[RunswickBay]

I think you need to see one for a specific appointment as soon as possible. Life needn't be like this.
I'm going to bed now. I hope someone comes along. I'll check the thread tomorrow

[IAmAHorriblePerson]

I can't go to a&e. I have severe anxiety and can't go outside on my own. I make my GP appointments in advance (when I'm there) and my mum takes me to them because I am fucking shameful and, as a full grown adult, still need my mother to take me places.

I am pretty much the definition of useless.

[Aveiam]

You're not useless. You're not well. There's a huge, huge difference.
I'm in a psychiatric unit at the moment. I'm not well. I've been where you are and its shit feeling like you're not worth anything but you are. It's so important that you let the truth that you are not well sink in.
Depression and anxiety are like parasites of your mind. They eat away at you and make you forget who you ever were.
It's ok to be sick, and it's ok to ask for help.
You can get better. You will get better.
Keep going xxx

[IAmAHorriblePerson]

Thank you. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you're in a unit and obviously struggling so much, yet you're giving up your time and energy to talk to me. You're so kind to do that, please take care of yourself.

I'm going to take some sleepers and knock myself out for a while. I know this isn't normal, but it is MY normal, if that makes sense. I have no idea how people function day to day, or what people do when their time isn't occupied with hating themselves.

I have asked for help so many times and nothing really works, so asking is pretty futile. There are meds, which I'm on, or therapy, which I've tried.

I'm so sorry for posting and waffling and just being on here.