When will things improve?

[tiredoflife2016]

Sorry new here but long time lurker.
Apologies for my vent , but no gets the depression.

So in brief I've had a complete mental breakdown , been to counselling and was told clinical depression extreme case, basically I'm just numb, I feel fuck all, happiness, excitement, etc just numb all over. So was put on pills and sent on my miserable way.

My question is will I ever get back to my old self I was happy, bouncing of the walls happy, energetic, funny , 3st lighter!

Now I know I need to make changes myself , I'm working on the weight issue tho its holding on tight and refusing to leave.
I have four children and a partner I muddle through life with them but I still can't be like these insanely perfect (I know it's all in my head) mothers that can leap out of bed in the morning (it's like getting out of a pool of tar for me) , tears in their eyes when their child gets a school award, me im just dead I feel nothing of course I clap and smile and praise the child but I feel abnormal.

Just when does get better? Will it get better? What else can I do?

The sad thing is my brother killed himself and that's the only thing that stops me doing it as I've seen the car crash it leaves behind, but I know it's wrong get to feel like this. I'm sick of this can't be arsed attitude.

Apologies for a long winded , pitying post .

Thank you for reading, I don't expect replies /answers

[Custardo]

I haven't been clinically depressed or not diagnosed as such anyway - but I have been given the pills and been sent on my merry way - I know the tar, I know the black hole and the mind numbingly inane feeling that life holds ahead.

I loved my kids of course I did - I would die for them, but jesus Christ its hard work, and yes - like you I felt that every other mother had it all sussed - with after school activities - that I either coudnt afford or wouldn't be arsed to do, everyone elses kids getting top awards for this and that etc.

and I know you know this - but it is those fucking chemicles in your brain giving you a negative perception.

I can give you a few tips - but you know as well as I do that you have to get to a place where you believe me and want to do it - or else you brain will tell you that I am more able to cope than you are and you can never do it - that's just not true, I am a very weak person.

what helped me

friends - I was lonely and never got out - I had moved to a different area I didn't know anyone - I went to a few mumsnet meet ups in my area - they wernt real mates but we had a laugh and it was good to get out - really good

excersize - I know you know the endorphine stuff - just got to a class or goto the gym for half an hour

right now your brain is telling you you are too fat to go to the gym - that's not true. your brain is teling you you can't afford it - you can afford one class once a week - you brain is telling you tha logistically with 4 kids its impossible - but you can sort it out.

make plan to achieve something - for you. only you can answer this - I took dum lessons - shit - you - not. I don't do it anymore but I did a cuple of exams and did well and it made me feel something good - I achieved something I wanted to do.

now my friend - whats your plan - tell me your thoughts on what you are going to do for you - to make you feel better - because we both know that pills just stp you crying they don't stop you feeling sad - it just makes it seem more palettable for the outside world and the only person who can make it beter - as you said yourself - is you

so tell me - in an ideal world - whats the plan my friend - whats the plan?

[Custardo]

that's drum lessons not dum - although it is arguably the same

[Custardo]

hey - I know your there - you want more responses, I know but answer me - im usually a good sort ( not always)

[tiredoflife2016]

Hey custardo

thanks for the response, I wasn't really expecting answers I normally get dismissed by people

So thank you I appreciate it. I really do, I didn't think I would care if any one answered , I was wrong about that

I have repeatedly read your post (takes a few goes for it to sink in) and I like how matter of fact you are and down to the point.

In a ideal world I want to back to my original size and just happy, I'm not a world beater but I know I am better than this,
I have started making small changes taking better care of my self, etc but your right about the gym , I lurk outside then turn away and go home. I do need to make a effort to see friends I always avoid being social,

Well done for taking up drumming seriously impressed, I have not a single musical bone in my body but I was a keen runner.

seriously thank you again X

[HalfpintPixie]

Hey, thanks for posting, it takes courage to put it all out there.
Firstly, you still are yourself. Please keep telling yourself that. Depression has a way of numbing and deadening feeling until you don't know who you are or if you're even a person anymore, but it's just an illness. It can be fought, and while it might never go away, it can be beaten.

This time a year and a half ago, I went to a therapist and told her not to bother too much about me, I wasn't a human being, just a blank in a meat suit. This was after 20 years of anxiety, ptsd and depression, and I'd basically given up.
Today, I got up, took my meds, saw my psychologist, took my ds to the park, and kept living. It's all you can do, really.

I think you need to be kinder to yourself, try and think of each hard day you get through as an accomplishment, and reward yourself for it. A good therapist (ie one you find it easy to talk to and have a good relationship with) can make the world of difference. If nothing else, it's one hour a week where you get to talk about whatever you like!
I don't have any answers I'm afraid, I just want you to know that things can change. You won't wake up one morning to sparkles and rainbows, but one day you'll look around and realise that today was a bit easier than yesterday and yesterday was a bit easier than the day before.
It's infuriatingly slow, but it can happen.

If you want to talk more about how you're feeling, we are here to listen. I care about how you feel, and hope that you will see a glimmer of light in the darkness soon.