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I wish I could motivate myself to just end it

(19 Posts)
HairSlide Wed 27-Apr-16 11:07:06

I have posted in the past about suicidal thoughts/ feeling depressed.

I am in my twenties and have felt this way for about twelve years, since my mid-teens. Things eventually came to a head last year when I had a bit of a breakdown and had to tell my parents. I ended up at my GP who prescribed anti depressants and a referral to primary care team. This was about 7 months ago, I have had one appointment with the primary care team about six weeks ago and don't know when my next one will be. I stopped taking my medication a couple of months ago and haven't been back to the GP. Meds took the edge off but I still feel shit and decided not taking them might just let me slide back into a bad enough mood to actually end all this as I can't cope any more.

I have a young son and he is the only reason I have stuck around- his dad has never bothered with him and its unfair of me to abandon him as well.

To the outside world I am an independant, hardworking person, studying for a degree and working hard but I only keep these things up to appear normal and I scrape by doing the bare minimum.

Cutting myself usually helps a but but I seem to be relying on it more and more and its not having the same effect.

I don't really know what I'm asking, I have no-one to talk to and I just need to lay my thoughts out somewhere.

sparechange Wed 27-Apr-16 11:32:12

Couldn't read and run, and I'm sure someone more qualified than me will be along soon but wanted to give you a very unMN hug

Have you talked to your GP or another HCA about this?

Room101isWhereIUsedToLive Wed 27-Apr-16 11:39:27

The reason that cutting yourself is starting to be less effective for you is that its a similar form of dealing with things to an addiction. The more you do it the less release you will get.
Your son needs you, especially in light of his absent father. You are all he has. If you can't think about trying to get well for yourself then you need to do it for him.
Please go back to your GP and get a referral to a psychiatrist.
Tell your parents how you are feeling.
Mental health issues are shit. Believe me I know. Being dead lasts a very long time. Being alive is worth fighting for.

CornerCut Wed 27-Apr-16 11:47:01

I haven't spoken to my GP for a couple of months- since the last time I went to have my prescription renewed. I do feel that they just chuck pills at the problem and MH services are so slow where I am that I still feel I'm not really getting help.

I have a psychiatrist via promary care team but have only had an initial assessment and nothing else in seven months. She said that there wasnt any point in my continuing with therapy as i appeared disengaged at my assessment.

CornerCut Wed 27-Apr-16 11:50:35

Name change fail sad

Room101isWhereIUsedToLive Wed 27-Apr-16 12:03:05

Psychiatrists deal with meds, not therapy. Was the person you spoke to a psychotherapist?
I think you need anti-depressants and to be on them for a good while before you look at therapy.
What meds were you on?

CornerCut Wed 27-Apr-16 12:07:23

I was on citalopram to begin with, then mirtazapine, then trazadone after my assessment with the primary care mental health woman (not sure what her title was if she wasn't a phsychiatrist). Various doses of each over 7-8 months.

I just feel swamped by everything.

Room101isWhereIUsedToLive Wed 27-Apr-16 13:57:57

Anyway you can get some down time? Would your parents take your son and then you could go somewhere with wide open spaces, fresh air, flowers and walks. Sometimes a break from the norm can really help with getting some perspective.
And go back to your GP. Tell them that everything so far hasn't helped and you need to be referred up.

CornerCut Wed 27-Apr-16 22:20:09

Hi Room 101, thanks for replying. My parents have my son alot already for me to work and study. I do try to fit in some time for myself like if I'm on an early shift they have him overnight which frees up an evening. I live in a rural area and I find walking on the beach helps or driving in the country but recently just getting out of bed and dressed is more than I can muster unless I absolutely have to.

I may try and go to the GP next week. Im working all weekend so will see how things are come Monday.

CornerCut Wed 27-Apr-16 22:24:30

I had a meeting with my housing officer today, didnt go well.

My housing association are taking me to court over rent arrears, the guts of which are not my fault but due to miscalculations on their side, they may evict me. I sat in tears for the whole meeting, could hardly articulate myself at all. They've said social work may get involved because of my son.

Being at the meeting and the aftermath did distract me from my other thoughts for a while and I had a couple of hours driving time which always helps me to sort things out in my head a bit.

Its been a long day and now I've got something else to add to the pile of things I can't deal with.

MailonlineEffOff Wed 27-Apr-16 22:30:22

You deserve to live and have a happy life. I think it's such a shame MH services have not got adequate therapy or medicine to treat all, hopefully that day will come soon, please hang on.

CornerCut Wed 27-Apr-16 23:33:09

Thanks Mail, I'm holding together for now. I felt horrible earlier and that meeting only made it worse.

I really don't know how I can face work in the morning but things just get worse when I don't show.

MailonlineEffOff Wed 27-Apr-16 23:34:19

How have you faced work in the past?

CornerCut Thu 28-Apr-16 00:07:25

My work is part of the degree I'm studying for, usually in six week chunks. I've been guilty of phoning in sick last minute or just not showing up because I feel so anxious about going in. I know that wont help in the long run but I just cant face it sometimes.

timelytess Thu 28-Apr-16 00:09:42

Have hugs and get/stay in counselling. Honestly. I can't remember whether I had ten counsellors in nine years or nine counsellors in ten years but I'm way, way better now. Do it now while you're young. Your life can be better, honestly. Good luck to you and your boy.

CornerCut Thu 28-Apr-16 08:05:15

I feel like the counselling will help but I'm limited to 8 sessions and in the first seasion she said there was no point in me continuing because I wasnt engaging properly, despite me sharing some things that were difficult to bring up and she never even acknowledged the effect they may have had on me.

I havent gone into work, so I have a full day to kill now before I can go and pick up my son.

Room101isWhereIUsedToLive Thu 28-Apr-16 08:58:02

Sounds like you need a different counsellor. I know its hard but you can try and get one. Tell the referral team your experience with the one you had.

CornerCut Thu 28-Apr-16 09:10:04

I missed an appointment this week with her so waiting on my next time to come through. If I don't feel comfortable this time I will ask for someone else.

I thought for a while things were getting better but yesterday was just awful. I feel like I'm back t square one, skipping work and not facing things because I just can't cope.

Room101isWhereIUsedToLive Thu 28-Apr-16 22:53:01

It will pass though. I spent the first couple of weeks in April feeling on the verge of suicidal. Finally pulled my finger out, went back to my Drs and got my meds upped. Seeing the pysch next week but already feeling a ton better.

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