Massively on edge - can anyone help distract please?

[RelapseCrisis]

All I want to do right now is cut. I've been scratching my arm with a paperclip, tying an elastic band around it and flicking, biting my nails off and trying to distract myself with work and on here, but I just keep thinking about cutting and how much more relaxed I'd be if I did it.

Everything is pretty awful today. I have PMT so I know that I'm more on edge than I usually would be. My thoughts are just relentlessly negative and I feel so isolated. I don't want to be a burden and contact friends. I know I'll be more relaxed once I'm at home with DD. But right now, at work, it's hell.

I'm starting DBT next week. I'm seeing regular therapist tomorrow. It feels like my life has imploded - I had over twelve years of having this under control and it's all relapsed.

Today, for a variety of screwed up reasons, is particularly bad. I'm waiting to hear from someone with whom I'm totally emotionally dependent and the waiting is causing everything to spiral into a negative and destructive state. I know the patterns of behaviour; I know how it's been in the past. I just don't seem to have the wherewithal to draw a line and get past it.

Any distractions would be very welcome.

[Arion]

Hi Relapse, I understand the feeling. It's only a temporary release though, then just another thing to feel bad about.

What do you like doing that's just for you? Drawing, writing, a cup of coffee, a walk?

[Arion]

How long till you can get home to DD?

[RelapseCrisis]

Thank you so much for replying. I've bought a DBT self-help book which asks about activities I like doing. Generally, writing helps. At work right now, though, so can't really do that.

I just need distractions. Should be home by about 6pm.

Just need to stop thinking and obsessively checking my phone and email. And do some work!

[Arion]

Oh yes, I know that! Desperately doing anything other than I should! I find writing helps as well. I've been writing and drawing to try and get everything out.

I found it quite scary how quickly feelings can come back, I've not cut for 19 yrs, but started counselling for anxiety and it all came back when all the emotions started coming out.

Have you got a pad you can doodle on? Or write it down in notes on your phone? Hide in the loos to do it?

How about planning something in for this evening? I know that's probably difficult, when I'm in the throes of it, it sometimes seems all my effort is in not cutting! You will come through the other side though, it does pass. I found Mumsnet has helped with distracting!

[Arion]

Ive found this quite good, it's things to do when you're feeling blue, but they are distractions as well. Hope some might help?

Lovethispic.com

[RelapseCrisis]

At the moment, all I'm planning for the evening is to have a glass of wine in an attempt to diminish the absolute raging despair and anxiety and desire to cut. Anything which might make me feel calmer and less agitated.

I might start watching the Good Wife on Netflix, but find it so hard to concentrate on anything today. Just counting the hours until I can take a sleeping pill and pass out.

I'd had quite a good few weeks, too. Now various events have left everything falling apart again.

[Arion]

That sounds like a good plan, I'm more cake and chocolate but a large glass of wine sounds good. It's good that you've got a therapy session tomorrow, just one evening to get through, not a wait for an appointment.

I've been working my way through Scorpion on Netflix, really unbelievable things they do, but I found it good escapism.

Just try to be kind to yourself till you can talk it through tomorrow.

[RelapseCrisis]

The fucked up thing is I know how much better I'd feel if I cut. The sense of release and calm would be brilliant. But then it just compounds things and entrenches the situation.

I can feel the adrenalin in my body - I'm so, so agitated. It's hideous.

[Arion]

Yes, there has to be a payoff otherwise we wouldn't do something so damaging. It's all about holding on until you have a more constructive way of dealing with it.

[Arion]

Hope you manage to sleep, and that your therapy session is helpful tomorrow.

[RelapseCrisis]

Knocked myself out with a sleeping pill and now counting the hours until I see the therapist.

Arion - you said it's been 19 years that you hadn't cut for. Did you have a BPD diagnosis? Do you consider that you've relapsed? Please don't feel you need to answer if you don't want to. I'm just trying to make sense of the situation I'm in, having thought BPD was all in the past and now it's very much in the present.

[Arion]

I don't have a BPD diagnosis. I had a period of depression 19 years ago and I cut during it. I've recently self referred for anxiety (it was getting severe enough to impact on day-to-day life. Since the counselling started the anxiety has gone but all the thoughts that were there in the previous depression have come out. All the negative thoughts about myself, all the sadness, all the anger. I've spent most of my life pretending it's not there, and it's just got to the point of where it has to be dealt with I think, it won't stay buried any longer.

[Arion]

I've spent so long burying my emotions, that actually feeling them, taking the lid off everything is really scary. Lots of pressure in my head, cutting eased the pressure last time my head was so full, it's my automatic thought when these feelings start to build. It is also a punishment as well as a release (v negative thoughts about myself)

[RelapseCrisis]

It's so warped that self-harm can feel so good, and be the only way to be able to release the agitation and despair. I gave up and cut my arm up this morning and feel calmer as a result. As much as I know it's ultimately unhelpful, destructive and makes things worse, I can't find anything else to stop the overwhelming pain.

I saw my therapist yesterday. She's great. Very helpful. But no-one can offer a magic way of stopping this relapse, or re-setting me on the path I was before. Not sure whether DBT will help. Right now it's just so fucked up.

[Arion]

Just take it one day at a time. Breathe, be as kind to yourself as you can. You will get through this, you've had 12 years, you've come through this before. You are coping with so much pain the best way you can at this moment in time.

Forgive me for asking, but I've seen BPD as short for bipolar and borderline personality disorder. Does reading help? When I was depressed I found An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison resonated, she was writing about her experience with bipolar.

[RelapseCrisis]

Sorry - should have clarified - borderline personality disorder, not bipolar. I have, though, read all of Kay Redfield Jamison's books and they're great.

I've been trying various distraction techniques - counting in 7s for as long as I can - just to try not to feel the pain. Reading helps. As does work. But then my brain automatically goes back to the horrendous feelings and it's just overwhelming. But I do feel marginally better than this morning - despite having a sore arm - I'm calmer now.

I've just been reading about BPD and how having a parent with it is damaging to one's children, making me feel hideously guilty for DD and wondering what emotional damage I've done to her. Whilst is ironic, since I spent time discussing my emotionally-damaging mother at therapy yesterday.

[Arion]

I would think the fact that you're aware, seeking treatment, and that you turn the negative emotions on yourself (through SH) means that your daughter has a much better chance at normal than you did? I know I'm no professional though.

I worry about that with my DCs, a lot of my issues come from my parents and I'm worried about how, not if I'm going to fuck up my kids. That's not necessarily a truth though, it's more my depression talking.