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I can't think of one single person that wouldn't be better off if I was dead

(55 Posts)
squaretoes Tue 05-Apr-16 17:39:03

DH hates me, my mental health is an excuse. He wants to leave but can't afford to right now and when I cry or be sad he tells me to stop sulking.

If I was dead he would get my life insurance.

DD barely has a mother, I am anxious and paranoid and scared and depressed.

My work are paying me for not being there because I'm so ill.

My friends are all fed up of the excuses and having to support me.

I wish I had the courage to kill myself. I just want to be happy. I have done stupid things to try and make myself happy. Nothing has worked. I just want my life back.

I hurt, I want it to stop. I haven't even NC, what's the point. I don't expect a reply. I don't deserve one. I am so selfish and a waste of space.

If I said this to DH or showed him this he would tell me I am having a pity party.

I'm tired

JaWellNoFine Tue 05-Apr-16 17:44:43

Hey. Well you for one would certainly not be happy dead. You're depressed and you need help. If you had a heart condition you would be getting treatment.

I seriously doubt you dd would be better off without you. So go see a doctor.

flowers

I hope someone better at this replies.. wink

Shockers Tue 05-Apr-16 17:47:51

I know from experience that although, in your depressed state, you believe that your DD would be better off without you, she really wouldn't.

Go to your doctor and get some help; this isn't how life has to be.

Good luck.

ChoccyJules Tue 05-Apr-16 17:51:22

I don't think you're selfish or a waste of space. You're not well and that's why you are feeling this way today.
Do you have a kind GP who you can talk to? Are you on medication and is your GP keeping an eye on this?
All of those people can deal with themselves, you are only guessing what they feel about the situation. Work can carry on paying you and real friends can hang in there.
Your DD is different and I can see you care about her because you are sad that you can't currently be everything she needs. Even though you are down and ill and sad at the moment, she wouldn't prefer not to have you, I bet.
I am a stranger who wanted to reply but obviously I am not qualified (though not inexperienced in some of this) and you may want to talk to someone, or look at a support website.
Take care xxx

yougetme Tue 05-Apr-16 17:51:32

The saddest person I know is one whose mother committed suicide when he was young. He has never got over it and is a shadow of the man he might have been if his Mother had stayed alive . She was a damaged woman its true but her presence in the house meant that the children still had her warmth and love. Once she was gone they were split up and never recovered as a family.

Give yourself time to get well again. Eat well and take the medication you have been prescribed. If you have no prescription go and see your GP. Be brutally honest.They arent mind readers .

You are in a scary place and my heart goes out to you.

rainbowstardrops Tue 05-Apr-16 17:52:57

Please go to your GP and tell them exactly what you've said here.
Go tomorrow flowers

squaretoes Tue 05-Apr-16 17:54:26

I'm on peroxatine. I've been on a waiting list for treatment for 2 months

originalmavis Tue 05-Apr-16 17:54:51

No your daughter would be a wreck without her mum. No child should go through that. Children of suicides are more likely to go down that route themselves. No, you have to know this and this child us your responsibility. You have to hang in there for get. She will love her mum if she is happy or sad.

You feel shit now, so hold the thought that you need to be around for her. You didn't always feel like this did you? You said you want your life back.

An unsympathetic and unsupportive partner can only lessen your feelings of self-worth.

You have to drag yourself to the doctor and get support. What's the worst that can happen?

This time next year this will be the crap in your past, I promise.

squaretoes Tue 05-Apr-16 17:56:32

My GP can't do anything else. She's referred me. My DD would have DH, he would do his best and wouldn't have to move or work for a while

Marchate Tue 05-Apr-16 17:57:12

Your husband sounds very cold and uncaring. He really needs to help you through your illness. But we're here. We'll help you

Being dead is not a happy result, for you or anyone else. Your daughter will need your support for many, many years. Don't leave her to cope with life alone

See your GP and tell her how low you are feeling. Also tell her what your husband says when you are unwell. It will help her understand why you feel so down

Please take care

squaretoes Tue 05-Apr-16 17:57:41

My DH has been dealing with me being a selfish shit for years, it's not his fault, he deserves better

LittleNelle Tue 05-Apr-16 17:57:52

Your DD wouldn't be better off, you'd just be taking all your hurt and giving it to her tenfold.

If your DH won't leave would it be possible for you to leave?

ohlittlepea Tue 05-Apr-16 17:57:59

Your Dd needs you. Please call Mind or your local mental health crisis team....things won't always be this way xx

originalmavis Tue 05-Apr-16 17:58:04

Get another GP. Make a stink. Who can be your advocate? Don't take no for an answer.

Kids need their mums. And I doubt any payments would be made in the event of suicide.

squaretoes Tue 05-Apr-16 17:58:21

Yes, maybe I should leave. I'm tired of putting this on everyone.

squaretoes Tue 05-Apr-16 17:59:18

I'm failing my DD. I'm just a stupid fucking waste of space. DH is right, I'm just having a pity party

originalmavis Tue 05-Apr-16 17:59:25

You just dont have the 'right' people around you. Who is your support?

squaretoes Tue 05-Apr-16 17:59:40

See, I should just fuck off and die. No one knows how bad it is

originalmavis Tue 05-Apr-16 17:59:47

Your dh sounds like a right twonk.

squaretoes Tue 05-Apr-16 18:00:23

No he isn't, my DH no longer loves me, that's understandable, I have driven him away

manifestdestiny Tue 05-Apr-16 18:01:11

I wish I had the courage to kill myself is something I told myself all the time when I was really low. I don't know if this will help, but you need to close your eyes and remember that courage will not come from ending your life. Courage is dusting yourself down and choosing to live.

Has your DH told you he wants to leave? Does he still love you, tell you he loves you? From your thread, it seems he is not at all supportive, but possibly your mind may be blocking out the support you are getting.

If things are not working between you and DH, then if you did die, your life insurance is there for your DD. And if things between you two are working, what use is money to him when his wife has just killed herself?

I was 15 years old, telling myself that I was ready to die, that everyone would be so much better off/happier without me in the world. I'm 18 now and am so pleased with and proud of myself for not doing it. I'm glad I didn't have that 'courage' because I now enjoy laughing with my boyfriend, I chat and am cheery at work, I'm doing ok in my A Levels, etc.

You are struggling with your mental health, a battle with your mind, and that is okay. You have a right to be sad, you're allowed to cry and feel like the world deserves better than you. But, you have a duty. You have a duty to yourself, your DH, your DD, family/friends to help yourself. You have to seek help (from anyone and everyone - and medical professionals) to get yourself back. We need you to stay on this planet.

Please, remember this.

You are not a bad mum, bad wife or bad friend. You are not evil or a disgrace to humanity. You are a person, with thoughts, feelings, memories, a beating heart. There are people that want to, can and will help you.

Please, stay strong.

"To the world, you are just one person. But to one person (can be more obviously like your DD, etc) you are the world" - Unknown

thanksthanksthanks

MoreSnowPlease Tue 05-Apr-16 18:01:43

Had your GP checked your thyroid and other related levels? I say this because I felt EXACTLY the same got a long time, and it was just put down to depression. But it was my thyroid causing the depression. Might be worth looking into.

squaretoes Tue 05-Apr-16 18:01:53

No one knows. Everytime I let it show people end up hating me

Marchate Tue 05-Apr-16 18:02:35

This is NOT a 'pity party'. Don't believe your accuser

squaretoes Tue 05-Apr-16 18:02:47

No, no one has checked my thiroid

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