I want to run away. Feel like the worst mum ever.

[SaggingTits]

I've always has depression/anxiety and some ocd traits. The past week or so I've had a strong urge to run away, mainly from my ds and the drudgery or being a mum.

Last night I passed the train station after work. I honestly had to fight the urge to get on a train and get away. My ds would be better off with someone else. I've tried talking to my partner but aside from giving up his job to be a SAHP there isn't much more he can do to help.

Right now he's at work and I just want to go to SS and tell them to take my son. There are people out there desperate for a child who would provide a better lifestyle than me.

[Newes]

Go to your GP instead and tell them exactly how you feel. No one will take your DS away, but they will help you to feel better.

[MrsKilminster]

Hang in there fellow owner of sagging tits! I know exactly how you feel and am constantly fighting urges to disappear from my life. Even though you feel that DS would be better off without you, this is absolutely not the case. It's your depression talking. I feel like a failure with DD a lot of the time but then she'll say something that makes me realise how much she loves me.

Are you getting any help?

[dangermouseisace]

I can relate to your post. I felt like that, did nothing about it, and it only got worse. I didn't think it was depression I thought it was just because I was a rubbish mum. Please go to your GP so you can try and nip it in the bud. You are best placed to look after your son, he really would be devastated to not have you as his mum. Mothers are irreplacable, and depression can improve.

[SaggingTits]

Yes I'm getting help. I've tried a few antidepressants, and am currently on Trazadone. Also on waiting list for therapy. I will book a GP appointment, I haven't been for a few months, although have had my dose upped in that time.

I know it's the depression making me like this. The horrible thing is I've been battling this for 7 years, and probably will for many more. I have periods of being 'okay' but that's the best I ever manage.

My mum had MH issues (although more severe) and I stayed with several relatives when she was particularly unwell. I always resented that she wouldn't leave me with them FT so I could have a 'normal life'. I really do seem to be turning into my mum

I keep telling myself that my ds would end up with more issues if he was abandoned by his mum than by putting up with a crappy mum. Hopefully that's true.

[FlicFlop]

You aren't your mum and it truly is the depression talking. Just think, if you clicked your fingers tomorrow and the depression and anxiety vanished would you still want to run? Probably not. The fact you want to run to 'save' your DS from yourself speaks volumes about how much you care for him.

I can totally relate to the feeling that the best you can be is 'ok'. In my depths I thought how unfair it is that I can only hope for OK. And truthfully it can be shit, but within OK there is good times too. They'll come again. Hang on in there for the therapy. Hang on for the meds to work. Cuddle DS. Give yourself small rewards (mine is a freshly made bed, a new app to play, I make a note every night of something I'm thankful for that day. Sometimes it's something ridiculous like a nice piece of cake, a cuddle, good weather, not a shit hair day! It also helps me to think I'm not sinking just yet if I can still see some good stuff everyday.

[dangermouseisace]

I'm glad you're getting help saggingtits but definitely your GP needs to know how things are.

As flicflop says- you're not your mum (I had again, similar…my mum had depression and was alcoholic) You've been looking after your children yourself, are seeking help and have insight into how MH problems can affect kids.
You are probably doing a lot better than you think you are in terms of parenting. It's not about being the ideal 'best' parent you can be, at times like this it's about being 'good enough'. If you make sure your son is fed, clothed, housed and loved you're doing fine. If he ends up having to watch DVD's all day if you're having a really bad day, that's ok. You can do other stuff on ok days.

I ended up in hospital for 9 weeks and only saw my kids 3 times (ex husband had them). I was an absolute mess before, and am not that great now- can still do a massive crying marathon etc. However, what I learnt from the kids and social workers, their teachers etc is that they'd rather have a struggling mother than anyone else. Now I'm in a slightly better place, I couldn't imagine believing they would be better off with someone else- it is the depression that causes those thoughts.

flicflop's idea of writing good things down is a good one too. I also write a teeny note as to whether it was a good/bad/ok day…as when it's a bad day often it can seem like they've been bad forever, whereas if I look through my diary I can see that actually it was only 5 days ago that it was ok. Which doesn't make the actual day any better but gives hope that they don't go on endlessly.