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daring to get labelled with EUPD by going to hospital?

(26 Posts)
chipsonsalt Sat 12-Mar-16 17:20:20

I don't know if I have EUPD (BPD)
I know I have depression anxiety and OCD

Yesterday I was ok. I was sad. I was depressed, anxious and obsessing. But I also laughed and left my home and socialised.

Today I snapped. It started as a normal day. DS father (my DH) rang and I asked about a PT job and childcare arrangements. He started banging on about his plans to leave his job in a year and long term career plans and how his health his failing and I made excuses to end the call. Abruptly.

I texted to apologise for the abruptness and explaining why I found the conversation hard

I got a reply back which summarised as me being a shit person, shit wife and stupid to be even trying to communicate amicably

Several text messages later. I honestly want to end everything. I probably won't.

I packed DS things and dropped him at his dad's. I hate myself for it. But I just can't continue. I can't quite believe myself that Iv abandoned my DS to his father even when his father was telling me he'll call social services and give my DS up and I'm waiving my parental rights because he's going into care

But I'm tidying and cleaning the house now preparing to pack things for hospital

Iv got to be insane haven't I?

But if I get labelled EUPD I'm never going to get my baby back if I get well am I?

I can't believe I woke up ok and I'm here now.

chipsonsalt Sat 12-Mar-16 17:25:22

I'm sorry if Iv offended anyone

I know I need help

I don't know where to access that help without making it worse

chipsonsalt Sat 12-Mar-16 17:30:23

Iv already gone to the GP, Iv already asked for support, Iv already got the psych and psychology referral, Iv already talked to the HV, Iv already started ADs, Iv already tried marriage counselling, Iv already got a family support worker

But I'm still here. Maybe there is nobody and nothing left

Marchate Sat 12-Mar-16 18:03:59

Somehow you need to stand back for a moment, take a deep breath, and look at some of those ideas you are having

I'm neither a medic, a social worker not a court official. But I do know that a condition, mental health or physical health, does not in itself mean you are deemed unfit to raise your child. Nor does being admitted to hospital. If you had a heart operation, would you expect to lose your child? No

If you do have a PD, it may be associated with your OCD. You can get help with that

Your husband's words are out of order. They are used by him to make you feel inadequate, I think. If he has his own place I assume you are separated? There may be problems hanging in the air, unresolved. You have to try not to rise to the bait. He seems to be trying to wind you up

Have you been told to go to hospital? Or will you go to A&E?

There are mental health helplines you can phone. I don't know which is best for you but I think Mind has a phone line

Please take care

Criminy Sat 12-Mar-16 18:06:17

Are you in contact with the crisis team? I have a diagnosis of EUPD (amongst other things), the crisis team are actually being really good at the moment. Are you definitely going into hospital? I'm sorry if I've misread, having a hard time myself at the moment.

To be honest, EUPD/BPD is a bit of a shit diagnosis to have, there's a lot of prejudice from health care professionals about it.

Are you estranged from your husband?
I don't know much about children in care etc, but last year I was an inpatient for 4 months after suicide attempts and didn't even get a referral to social services (I have two young DC). I was very surprised tbh.

willowcatkin111 Sat 12-Mar-16 18:54:12

You did the right thing getting your son to his dad's if you could not cope. I too have EUPD diagnosis and altho they were concerned about the doc there was never any serious chance of them taking them into care - it is the last thing they want to do. Sounds like you have done lots but if you are still really struggling phone 111 and tell them or go to A&E. If you are hospitalised it is unlikely to be long as it is known to be counter productive for EUPD, but as others have said the home treatment and crisis teams can be a great help
Hope you get some help

chipsonsalt Sat 12-Mar-16 19:39:27

We are seperated

I haven't been

Spent the last hour and half on phone to Samaritans

Still don't know what to do

Not sure hospital will be anything more than a pat on the head and sent away with a referral to social services and a mark against me

chipsonsalt Sat 12-Mar-16 19:44:28

I think all I want someone to do is force my DH to give a flying fuck about my feelings and stress levels

That's what scares me. I walked past the bridge and past lots of other places I considered

I don't think I can want to end it because I would have if I really did wouldn't I?

But nobody can or will force him

How does my world crash so violently at realising he still doesn't care no matter how hard things are

chipsonsalt Sat 12-Mar-16 19:56:49

Every time I ever call mind it just goes to answerphone

Once I left a message

Nobody ever called back

Marchate Sat 12-Mar-16 20:06:22

You, us, nobody can change your husband. Part of your journey towards regaining your health will be accepting that no-one can change him. If he has decided not to care, he won't care. But let's think of something positive!

When things are so hard, it's natural to want someone to care. We all do. And it's sad when they don't. But that's a good starting point. You can think about your health from your own perspective. Instead of wondering about his reaction, think of something you like doing that's not affected by your poor health at the moment. There are so many things you are good at. Nice things happen every day - re-learn to find them amongst all the sad events

If you need to phone the Samaritans again, please do. Please stay alive. Don't lose everything because of someone who seems too self absorbed for you

chipsonsalt Sat 12-Mar-16 21:31:57

Iv phoned the Samaritans. Also the crisis team

Unless you say the magic words - I want to kills myself. Nobody does FA

I know I'm not ok. I know I want a hospital bed and medication and continuing alone will only last for a short while

Seems I must wait till I can say those words

NanaNina Sat 12-Mar-16 22:27:57

So sorry things are so tough - I know from my own experience the torment of mental illness. I have a diagnosis of recurring depressive disorder, and believe me the operative word is recurring. There are no triggers - I can go to bed feeling fine and wake up feeling terrible, sometimes for half the day, sometimes all day.

The thing about suicidal thoughts is that they are a symptom of depression, called suicide ideation, although of course some people (with and without mental illness) end their lives. I think you're right that it can feel that there is no-one to really care ad we have to get by the best way we can. It was a good plan to talk to Samaritans. I have a good GP and a lovely CPN and I see the psychiatrist every 2 months, but there isn't really anything they can do, only tinker with meds. They did offer ECT but I'm too scared about that.

Is the crisis team any good - they usually advise a hot bath/cup of tea or a short walk!!! But what else can they do.

Why do you want to go in hospital. I've had 2 stays (both times for 3 months) and I would never go back. It was very boring, the nurses weren't really interested in the patients apart from dishing out meds. There are people with psychotic illnesses whose behaviour can be distressing for them and for the other patients. The time drags as there is nothing to do and the food is grim. The other thing is that there is

In any event you are unlikely to be offered admission even if you do say you are going to kill yourself. I tell my psychiatrist every time I've had strong suicidal thoughts and he just rights it down! You say you want medication - are you not on meds? Maybe they need to be changed or the dose increased. It sounds like you need to be looked after and cosseted for a while. Is there anyone in your family or friends who could care for you for a short time.

Your ex sounds very selfish. How old is your son? I'm a retired social worker and I can assure you there will no concern about your son so long as someone is looking after him.

Hope tomorrow is a bit better (for me too!!)

NanaNina Sat 12-Mar-16 22:31:07

Sorry I started a sentence and didn't finish it. There is a huge shortage of hospital beds on psychiatric wards and so mostly the patients admitted will be those with psychotic illnesses. Also they are discharging patients long before they are ready. The NHS is on it's knees but only a very small % of the budget is allocated to mental health.

chipsonsalt Sat 12-Mar-16 22:53:27

I want to go into hospital because Iv scared myself stupid today.

Iv given up my DS for good to a man who has made me feel shit for so long and threatened to put him in care rather than look after him today. I still gave up my son.

When the reality of this sinks in - I probably will end it. I snapped today and have done something very very stupid doing that. I may never get him back off that manipulative bastard.

I don't know if I'm coming or going and I feel confused and alone. I still want that awful man to care about me. How fucked is that?

Nobody IRL cares. They tiptoe around him - poor him with his bipolar. He says jump they say how high.

Me? Suck it up.

NanaNina Sat 12-Mar-16 23:15:47

Look your ex has your son today but that doesn't mean he has him "for good". What have you done today - some kind of self harm? If so do you need medical attention. If you do, you need to go to A & E. A lot of people with mental illness self harm - sorry I don't know if that's what you've done.

You can't make your ex care about you - he's probably not capable of caring about anyone. If he has bipolar disorder that is a serious mental illness as I'm sure you know. Does he take meds to control the symptoms - just wondered if he is capable of caring for your son. How old is your little boy?

Are you sure there is no-one in RL who can support you. What meds are you on?

chipsonsalt Sat 12-Mar-16 23:43:19

Yes his mental illness is currently so serious he's able to hold down his full time job and socialise with friends. Iv been with him ill. This is not a crisis by any means in terms of his bipolar. He just didn't want to look after his son or offer me any support.

I haven't yet SH

Marchate Sun 13-Mar-16 00:03:57

Is he diagnosed bipolar? Is he on medication?

Truly, you must stop dwelling on that man. He has problems, you have problems. You can't solve his, nor can you make him care about yours. It's sad, but to feel better in yourself you will have to stop investing so much in him. You will have to find your inner strength - you definitely have it - and detach from him

It's not what you want right now, but your future will be so much better if you don't rely on an unreliable man

GlitteryShoes Sun 13-Mar-16 00:04:53

Hi I'm a foster carer and I have worked with lots of families where someone has EUPD. Lots of the children stay within the family, and Social Services will genuinely offer support - a nursery or childminding place for example. I currently am linked to one mum and I take her toddler when she is having a bad day. I pop in a couple of times a week to help out too - we go to playgroup etc. her previous babies had all been taken into care but there has been a real shift in the past couple of years, and there is more support at this level ( strengthening families policy). So please approach Social services - it would be seen much more positively than a referral, and although you sound low you do seem in control at the moment, and able to think things through.

Take care x

chipsonsalt Sun 13-Mar-16 01:17:45

There was a referral but because I always engage and seek help they weren't interested - back to EI which I had already approached myself

I'm usually able to find an inner strength somewhere and dust off and carry on

Today I'm just broken

exWifebeginsat40 Sun 13-Mar-16 01:51:33

I have diagnosed BPD along with a list of other diagnoses. having the BPD on my list gives me access to support I wouldn't have otherwise. it's hard to diagnose and very hard to treat - none of my meds are specifically for it, and as a result my mood is often all over the place.

I had a massive breakdown in 2012 and was lucky enough to get a bed. I stayed 5 weeks and was put on enough medication to down a sizeable horse. I did another week the year after when things got really bad. when the money ran out in my area I was discharged from secondary services which means no CPN, no crisis team, just gp.

things got really bad again a few weeks ago and I went to my doctors in crisis. previously if I couldn't get this sort of appointment I called 111 and told them I was unsafe and they arranged an emergency appt for me.

if you feel unsafe now then go straight to A&E. they have a duty psych team who will see you.

my GP managed to get me re-referred to the mental health team and I saw a psychiatrist last week but she can only review meds as there are no therapies and certainly no hospital beds in my area. and hospital the second time I went was just a warehouse for unwell people - no therapies, indifferent temp staff.

again, if you are unsafe you must get help, tonight.

my BPD diagnosis explained a LOT about my life. however, it has also made it more difficult as people with BPD are painted as awful, manipulative people by those who have no understanding of either the illness or its causes.

sleep if you can. talk to your son's father tomorrow. but in the meantime get help if you need it.

Shonajay Sun 13-Mar-16 02:19:53

I've just been through this this weekend. In Scotland there are NO psych doctors on after 9am-5pm at the weekends, I was let go despite an overdose of morphine which should have killed me, self harming, and the crisis team visited me today and left me a phone number, asked if i would phone if I needed them and I said no, as I couldn't face it when I felt so bad. They then just left. I have no diagnosis and an emergency appt at the end of April. It's shocking.

chipsonsalt Sun 13-Mar-16 05:44:32

I went...

Meds for tonight and referred to the HTT with a view to hospitalisation if necessary after trying that. They did talk about going in tonight but seemed glad I asked to try HTT first

As sad as this sounds. Having a RL person talking face to face meant a huge deal

No mention of BPD tonight - recurrent depressive disorder is what they wrote on the form... But that may still come.

Thank you everyone thanks

chipsonsalt Sun 13-Mar-16 05:45:51

I'm really grateful for your support and saddened by the lottery MH care seems to be in some places thanks

Marchate Sun 13-Mar-16 09:55:52

Try to have a nice day x

exWifebeginsat40 Sun 13-Mar-16 10:52:56

I'm glad you went and that you're safe.

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