Please come and tell me im crazy

[VicWillia]

I've posted this in mental health because I am being mental.

I have one ds aged 5. Been with dp 2 years. He has 2 ds aged 6 and 3 and a dd aged 7.

I left my exh in November 2013. He was controlling and I was miserable. When I left him he wouldn't let me have our ds. He tried to make it so I only saw him once a week as he used past mental health problems and my own vulnerability against me. I fought and I won 3 days a week with ds.

Its not enough. I'm so broken. I burst into tears at the school yesterday collecting him because I hadn't seen him for 4 days. It hurts so much.

My dp made it very clear he doesn't want more children and he had a vasectomy, with my blessing as at the time I agreed it wouldn't be right to have more with 4 between us.

But I'm just so sad and angry with myself that I've ruined being a mum which is the greatest chance and joy I've been given and I've messed it up and ruined it. I've been researching vasectomy reversal. I know dp wouldn't even agree to it. I just feel like I'll always be broken unless I get a chance to do it right.

I'm miserable. I drink too much. I know I need help. I'm sorry I'm only venting it feels good to write this.

[Marchate]

Your controlling ex is still in control. I have known women whose violent exes got custody by citing alcohol or MH issues. The fact that those men physically assaulted their wives apparently wasn't as bad!

You must miss ds so much x

[AliceScarlett]

It sounds to me like you are having a very understandable reaction to not having your son full time. I don't think that's crazy.

Did you feel broken before you had DS?