EXH and social workers- possible trigger

[dangermouseisace]

Hi I'm looking for some words of wisdom.

I've been ill, and the kids are currently with their father most of the time as I spent some time in hospital. I seriously think their dad has a personality disorder (no empathy, remorse, is a compulsive and convincing liar). He was financially, psychologically, and towards the end, I think sexually abusive towards me (I think so at least…one occasion tried to penetrate in the 'wrong' hole whilst I was asleep, and also did other things that hurt me during intercourse, that I did not agree to, but couldn't say no at the time, and caused me pain)

So, I'm being treated like I'm the 'risk' factor because I got ill as a result of the stress I was put under (root cause- STBXH), and he's being treated as the responsible parent.

I think the kids are ok with him for short periods of time, but not longer term. I think he can meet their very basic needs. I don't think he'd hurt them, but I worry that if he could treat me like he did, he's capable of treating other people badly too. The kids have been requesting to come home. They say their dad won't let them phone me. I'm not at all happy with the situation.

Question is- how much, if anything do I tell the SW? She's putting the brakes on the kids been returned to me, and thinking they are best spending most of the time with their dad.

[Marchate]

Can you tell someone else all the unpleasant details? GP maybe? Then your side of the story would be on record

[NanaNina]

I think you need to tell the social worker everything you've said on here (I'm a retired social worker) - there is a possibility that he/she might think it's sour grapes (as this does happen) but the way you've written things here, sound very much like you have the children's best interests at heart. The thing is can you prove anything, as it will be his word against yours and he will no doubt blame your mental health.

Is there anyone else in the family who could help care for the children.

[dangermouseisace]

thanks nana and marchate yes I'm worried she'll think sour grapes/crazy person. I don't want to stop them seeing their dad I just think short periods are best. I have lots of friends/family who know much of what went on but that's it in terms of proof. We talked about some aspects of his behaviour during relate counselling a couple of years ago. I confronted him about the asleep sex thing via email before letting the kids stay at his overnight as it was really concerning me especially if he was going to end up sharing a bed with my daughter…he denied any knowledge of it, but looking back a deliberate act fits in with the bigger picture of how he was treating me generally. I kept the emails though.

[dangermouseisace]

and my parents are around to help with the children

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Everything, of course. Give examples and be as balanced as possible. But tell her! And if she doesn't get it, contact a dv charity and try to get a support worker for you who will support you.

[Marchate]

I have met women whose nasty husbands have ended up with the children because they can talk the talk

My best advice is, report everything to SW and GP, contact a dv organisation as OBMcN suggests and above all, do everything you can to be calm when speaking to 'officials'. Tears and obvious worry/unhappiness are fine, but try really hard not to sound like you can't cope

[dangermouseisace]

thank you lovely mumsnetters. I called DV charity, had a long chat, they confirmed that relationship was and still is abusive and I'm being allocated a support worker. I've also emailed SW with my concerns. I'm rubbish at speaking to her about the kids- I always end up in floods of tears!

[Marchate]

Glad to hear that. Well done