lost, utterly lost

[smiales01]

I'm 35, mum to a 2.5 year old son, girlfriend of 13 years.

I'm utterly despairing of myself, I am failing in every area. I don't even want to go into it, yet I also need to talk.

I'm trying desperately to improve our lives by starting a business, well two actually. But I've frozen, I'm not convinced on either, I'm not sure the love is there. I need to love what I do, I need it to be lucrative. Problem is I'm starting to think I don't have a passion. I don't want to believe that, there needs to be more to life. Then I feel utterly guilty, my boyfriend works hard, my son is wonderful. Why can't I be normal for their sake.

I gave notice to a customer last week as she was awful to work with and also impacting on my self esteem a lot. I felt elated afterwards, now I feel guilt towards my family. Like I should have just sucked it up.

I'm gaining weight, I'm exhausted all the time, my self worth is crap and my binge eating is reappearing.

How to people cope, how do you find your 'way' in life? I've tried so hard to be positive but it's not working. I'm scared that at times I just want to run away. I never would as I couldn't be away from my son plus where would I run to?

I've never felt right, always felt out of place. Always felt that there is something great out there for my life if only I could put my finger on it.

Don't take this post wrong, this isn't about not wanting my son or boyfriend. They are very much my future, I want this great future for the three of us.

Maybe there isn't a great future for me, that's what I'm scared of. Maybe I'm destined for a mediocre life. How could I make peace with that?

[Woollywendy]

There are people here who will be able to give you great advice. But for now, I just wanted you to know someone was listening and felt for you.

Suggestions (randomly!):

• try to be kinder to yourself, you sound perfectly normal, just finding it difficult to deal with stuff at the moment
  
• remember to enjoy the future that is right in front of you as well considering the more distance stuff
  
• you don't have to have a 'way in life' or some grand master plan. Some do, some don't, neither way is 'right'
  
• see your GP if they are any good. Maybe nothing, or maybe something like vitamin deficiency or mild depression
  
• talk to your boyfriend and friends
  
• I guarantee many of us feel or have felt at some point as you do. You will get through it.

[smiales01]

Hi thank you for your reply. I was extremely tired yesterday and today I took a total sickie from everyone and everything. I took son to my mums as per usual on a Wednesday at 7am then came home, locked the door and slept till 1pm!

I feel a bit guilty as I should have been working but I haven't rested like that since before my son was born. Like lots of parents I'm sure. I'm still in a daze about my life but at least I've slept.

Xx