Back at work tomorrow - not sure I can do this

[Ikeatears]

I've been off since early September- the last 4 months have been a blur of tears, medication, home treatment team, hospital and many,many sleepless nights. I felt on the better side of things (with the odd setback) and I've finally got to the point where I have agreed to a 4 week phased return, starting tomorrow.
Even before I agreed to go back, I've had a tough couple of weeks sleep-wise and mood-wise but I just assumed it was another case of three steps forward, two steps back. I can't shake it off. I slept all day today. I want to cry. I don't think I can do it. I don't feel like the same person I was 4 months ago and I don't think I'm capable anymore of doing my job. I don't feel capable of a lot of things anymore. I feel like I've ruined my life. I can't bear the thought of going in to work tomorrow but I know I have to.

[Stillwishihadabs]

you don't have to do this, if you don't feel ready go and talk to your GP to get signed off.

[Ifyoubuildit]

No you don't, please speak to your GP and to your employer. As an employer myself I wouldn't want an employee to come into work if they were feeling like you are.

[Ikeatears]

I don't think I'll ever feel ready though. I feel like the only way to even have a chance is to go in and face it. I'm just not sure I can do it anymore

[Ikeatears]

I do have to. I sat in front of them on Friday and told them I was fine and I was ready. I can't turn round now and say the opposite- the thought of doing that makes me feel even worse than the thought of going in. I feel squeezed from all sides.

[smileyforest]

OP, I empathize, I've been off work since October, I have another 3 weeks signed off, I've just had to start AD's....I tried to manage without, but coping with a back injury and my very ill son ( psychosis), I've felt in a really dark place at times. I too dread going back to work ( I have to), I don't know if I'm capable of doing my job, but I have to try. Just hope I feel more like returning in 3 weeks. Maybe you could go back to Gp? Explain how you feel...get a bit longer off? Don't go back til sure....thinking of you x

[Ikeatears]

Thanks. I just can't. I have to go back. Not least because of finances. I just feel like my confidence and my drive have been stolen. I don't think they'll ever come back. I'm not 'me' anymore and I never will be

[Ikeatears]

Anxiety is really rising. I've got some diazepam in which was prescribed prn so I think I might take some. I'm so scared of going backwards. I really could cry. This is pathetic- I'm only in for 3 hours tomorrow but it might as well be 12 hours. The thought of it makes me feel sick. I just want to be me again

[smileyforest]

I'm sure you will find 'you' again, it's going to take time. Maybe going back to work will have a positive effect. I said to my partner today, feels like I've lost my personality and sense of humour. I really hope it isnt as bad as you think it will be

[Ikeatears]

Thanks smiley I just have this awful feeling that I'm sinking again and I can't stop it. I will have to go in and just pretend I think but thought of it is just awful. People, small talk, having to concentrate, noise, even having to dress smartly and wear makeup, I'm so scared that I won't be able to do it. What if I cry? Oh shit. This is awful. I want to stay at home where it's safe. I don't want to go out and mix with people. I don't want to do anything except hide away with my little family.

[Ikeatears]

My anxiety is just getting worse. I haven't taken any diazepam yet but I think I may have to I don't want to live my whole life like this, I feel so pathetic. I want to curl up and hide away. I can't tell dh. He's already been to hell and back these last few months. I just keep saying I'm fine but I'm not! I'm not fine and I don't think I ever will be. I always wanted to be an actress - I guess now I'll get the opportunity to find out if I'd have been any good. I don't even know who I am. I feel like I'm just...nothing...

[Ikeatears]

Sorry to keep posting, it just helps to get it all down, even if no-one replies. I'm just so very sad that i can't be the mum and wife that I should be. I'm letting them all down

[ProfessorPreciseaBug]

Then keep posting.

If it helps, I have been in a really bad place. Not able to see the sunshine in a clear blue sky. The thought of going back to work made me start shaking.

That was in the past. It does get better.

[Ikeatears]

Thanks Professor I really thought things were improving. I think I've just been lying to myself. I'm never going to be that person again. I feel too exposed, like too many people have seen me at my weakest and most vulnerable and I can't undo that. I just don't know how to go on

[Getyercoat]

I was out of work for over a year with severe illness, hospitalisation etc. My confidence was gone, shattered. I didn't think I could do anything properly again, ever.
I know how you're feeling.

All I can tell you is that going back to work was, for me, the best thing I could have done. I proved I was me again, I could do it.

[smileyforest]

It's OK to take some diazepam if you need to. Posting here helps, lots have been where you are and things got better, so please don't think you are alone. The first day back is always the worse , it will go quickly I'm sure. Come back tomorrow and let us know how you got on because we all care about you. Hope you sleep OK x

[Ikeatears]

Thanks everyone. I've been awake on and off since about 4. I'm going in but I really, really don't want to. I just feel like crying. I'm pathetic I know

[OwlCurrency]

I'm back at work for my second day after a while off, OP. I'm feeling a bit nervous this morning.

I went back on Friday. It really was the best thing for me to go. I didn't do the greatest job and I was a bit slow and nervous. But the time passed very quickly and I had some moments of feeling normal.

It was much better than hiding. Be brave. Take whatever you have to take. I promise it won't be as bad as you imagine.

[ProfessorPreciseaBug]

Tears,
It is a gradual process. You take three steps forward and three steps sideways. But you are still a bit of the way forward.

[Ikeatears]

I'm just not 'me' though and everyone thinks I am. I honestly feel like I'm on the verge of some huge toddler tantrum! Shit! Shit! Shit!

[Ikeatears]

I don't mean I'm not feeling myself, I mean I'm not even the same person I was. I think something got 'lost' in me and I can't find it. I don't know whether I can pretend. I don't know whether I'm going to have a panic attack or cry

[OwlCurrency]

I know what you are trying to say.

[Ikeatears]

Thanks owl. I'm just trying to find some clothes that even fit since I've put so much weight on with my medication and with lying around doing nothing all day. Should have done this last night but I couldn't face it

[smileyforest]

Will be thinking of you today, things may go better than expected, just be 'who you are'. I have to face the same as you in a few weeks, I truly understand what you are saying. Hopefully your work colleagues will treat you kindly x

[JontyDoggle37]

Hope it goes well today. Just aim to get through the first half hour, then the next half hour. Don't think of it as a big chunk of time. Once you get busy, it will get easier. And you don't have to be brilliant on your first day back, even your first week back. Just be.

[Ikeatears]

Thanks all. I managed to find some clothes so I'm just trying to calm myself with a final cigarette. I'm sure my colleagues will be fine - they're a nice group. We aren't friends but I've been honest with my small department so they have an idea how bad it's been. I just don't think I'm up to the job anymore. Anyway, not much I can do now! Here goes...