Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, see our mental health web guide which can point you to expert advice.

AIBU re DH's MH?

(13 Posts)
whenthewindblows Thu 14-Jan-16 11:59:56

Sorry for acronym overload in the title there. I really don't know if I am being unreasonable or if DH is being unfair. Or even if unfair is the right word to use.

DH has ongoing mental health issues but things are a lot better now than they have been in the past. However, both of our lives (and our children's lives) are still restricted by his MH. For example, he can't cope with having people in our house (not just when he is here - at any time). So I can't invite friends over and neither can the DC. This also extends to the car so I can't offer lifts to anyone. I feel awful when I know that friends need help, for example with childcare for an hour or so, and the natural thing to do would be to offer to have her kids over and I can't offer it. I don't feel I can tell anyone either so they must think I'm just not bothered.

I don't work so a network is really important to me but this is just such an issue. It's not going to change any time soon either. AIBU to feel hurt, upset and angry about this or is that making it all about me?

needygonzales Thu 14-Jan-16 12:01:35

I don't know what to say but I couldn't live like this. Can't there be any kind of compromise? It sounds very controlling.

whenthewindblows Thu 14-Jan-16 12:12:28

Thanks Needy. I have probably made it sound worse than it is. It's not as though I don't have friends or see people but its always out somewhere or at their houses. I would love for my DC to be able to invite friends over. It really makes me quite sad sometimes.

needygonzales Thu 14-Jan-16 12:19:02

But it's your home too and you should be able to invite your friends over. Does your partner accept this is unreasonable and want to change it?

Bupcake Thu 14-Jan-16 12:20:57

Why can't people come when he's not there? Is it that he didn't like the thought that someone was in his space? It sounds very controlling, but like there's an underlying mental health issue. Has he had any help for it? I do think it's appropriate to talk to him about making an appointment with the GP, for the sake of yourself and the children.

ohdearlord Thu 14-Jan-16 12:21:18

How old are your DC? How do they manage/understand not having friends over?

needastrongone Thu 14-Jan-16 12:21:36

Hi OP. DH is Bi-polar. Just so you know.

I spent a very long time trying to accommodate the triggers. I shrank as a person. I accepted his refusal to take medication for far too long. I wish I hadn't. Long story.

Things are great now. But, I had an awful lot of anger and resentment at the 7 years that he put myself and the DC through. Some of this anger was U, but some was perfectly acceptable.

My GP once told me that my house and my life was mine too, and I had a right to be happy. And that not every single thing can be blamed on MH, some stuff is simply bad behaviour.

Anyway, marriage is about compromise in any event. You are compromising and he is not. I think you need a way for him to give a little too.

flowers

whenthewindblows Thu 14-Jan-16 12:50:11

strongone that has just made me cry because you are absolutely right. It's not that I am unhappy as such, but I know that I could be happier than I am. But to do that would put a huge amount of pressure on DH and in all likelihood make his MH far worse. I think part of it is that in the past things were SO bad and because it is a lot better now I think he feels that makes it all OK but I don't. He also says that I have never acknowledged how far he has come. I think I have but I don't want to patronise him by saying 'well done' like he's a child. I do recognise how well he has done and how much things have improved. I don't think we communicate particularly well <understatement>!

bupcake that's exactly it...it's about home being a safe place and other people coming in affects that. He has had treatment in the past but says he won't do it again. "Been there, done that."

needastrongone Thu 14-Jan-16 15:41:20

wind It sounds very hard. My own DH has never suggested I have ever been anything other than supportive, so I don't think it's fair for him to make you feel bad, you are keeping everything going for goodness sake. I am sure he has come a long way, but I don't think you need to give him a medal smile

It's also not fair of him to not have further treatment.

How about you tell him how much of an impact not being able to have anyone round or in the car is having on you, and that you have a right to be happy too? And suggest you both need to find a way to make it work, for both of you?

I don't know the circumstances of your DH's MH, but not allowing visitors or folk in the car seems a bit controlling? That's only gained from you 2 posts, so I am happy to be way off the mark here.

YOU and YOUR mental health are important too. I ended up with anxiety dealing with DH, you matter too smile

cankles Sat 16-Jan-16 22:41:49

I feel a bit unreasonable too. DH is struggling atm, not at work, so at home helping out (which is great) but it's hard to be angry with someone who is being helpful. His moods affect the whole household. He's not looking for another job, I think the expectation is that I will just keep increasing my hours - which I am trying to do so that we don't lose the house. I'm exhausted. Exhausted cajoling, being positive, ignoring the procrastination, I just feel a bit worn out - it's the weekend, I've actually had a day off today and he's been rude and grumpy all day. Sorry for thread hijack just can't keep the false face on x

hefzi Sun 17-Jan-16 01:54:35

cankles I don't think you're being unreasonable at all! You're already taking on a burden trying to be an emotional support for your DH, which would be difficult enough if you weren't already having to pick up the financial slack at all.

Is there any reason he's not looking for another job? Is he getting counselling/treatment/something to enable him to go back into work? If not, has he applied for ESA/PIP whatever, so that the household isn't entirely dependent on you financially? Depression is a very selfish illness sometimes, but that doesn't give him a free pass to be a git, and you need to take good care of your emotional wellbeing, not just allow him to have all your energy. It's not fair for you to be physically and mentally exhausted: I really think you ought to raise this with him - he might not be able to help how he's feeling, but he does need at least to be aware (and he may very well not be) the toll it's having on you, and do his best to support you too. flowers

SeoulSista Sun 17-Jan-16 02:52:27

You sound like the proverbial boiled frog.
If a dating profile said: you and you children wouldn't be permitted to have any guests to our home or anyone in our car (and presumably a whole heap of other stuff you haven't said here) then everyone would run for the hills.

I think a good test is the "open discussion". If you said amongst company "Oh I'd love to be able to invite people but it is too much for DH to stand so I've given it up" how do you think people would react. Would your husband be angry for you saying it because he knows it makes him look like awful.

So not only are you giving up a huge chunk of contact you are pretending for his benefit. Does he really deserve that.

If the behaviour of a mentally ill person is indistinguishable from that of a controlling abuser then you have to ask is that a good enough reason to put up with it. Especially as in this case where he feels the controlling is reasonable when his mental Heath is good (ie he can't/won't recognise that "no one in the car" is unreasonable at those times when his health is good)

cankles Sun 17-Jan-16 21:00:44

Thanks Hefzi. Feeling more positive today. It felt good just writing it down and no he's not aware of how I'm feeling. Thank you for taking the time to reply, it means a lot.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now