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dealing with partners depression

(16 Posts)
Cautlyn8795 Thu 07-Jan-16 01:00:08

Really need help, as i feel this is going to break our family apart.
My oh carrys so many issues from his past with him. And is constantly taking them out on me and drinking too much to block them out
I dont know what to do anymore!
He wont get help.. He says he will be still hasnt.
We argued again tonight.. Over absolutely nothing! He interpreted a comment from me the complete wrong way. It was totally innocent. And he made out i was talking to him like rubbish. This is something i know stems from things in his past. He over reacts about the way ppl talk to him alot when people are just talking normally.
Im at a loss! The argument.. Or should i say his rant with bery little input from me went in a massive downward spiral where he brought up a few of his issues then seemed to cry out for help. Saying hes got no1 and his family arent there for him even tho he knows the text him everyday. He then said he needed held. Someone to tell him everything will be ok. He said im not there for him.
I try to be. Weve been together 9 years the whole time ive taken the brunt of this depression, he regularly calls me names, critises, rants in a nasty manner, drinks, doesnt come home, leaves me with the kids. Im so battered by it all ive shut down with him. I soend most of our time together silent cos jm scared anything i say will start an argument.
So how can i be the one to 'hold him and tell him everything will be ok!' I dont feel anything from him, i feel like the love i have or had for him hes destroying, single handedly, how can i hug him after a battering of word abuse from him!? Or should i be!?! Am i being awful!?!
I dont know what to do!?!
Two weeks ago i told him it was over he gets help or me and the kids go. He didnt get help but tried harder and recognised his issues at least and then we are straight bk to this!?!

AnotherEmma Thu 07-Jan-16 01:04:40

"he regularly calls me names, critises, rants in a nasty manner, drinks"

That's not depression, it's emotional abuse (and possible alcoholism). There's a big difference.

I suggest you get this thread moved to Relationships where you will get much better advice.

AnotherEmma Thu 07-Jan-16 01:13:27

I suggest you read The Abuser Profiles and the signs of emotional abuse. I suspect some of it will ring true, in which case, please contact Women's Aid.

Cautlyn8795 Thu 07-Jan-16 01:24:37

Ive actually already posted a similar thread on the relationship wall as i know some of these things arent acceptable.
But i know where they come from and i know its just him lashing out. He cant handle things in this head. He cant deal with stress, every everyday little things, he has big issues with being disrespected, belittled, taking advantage of etc that all stem to his past. He has a need to prove himself that stems to his past too. And he carrys alot of anger towards people from his past. That he takes out on the people in his life now.
Hes told me tonight hes suicidal and no1 is there for him.

AnotherEmma Thu 07-Jan-16 01:37:26

He lashes out at you, but does he lash out at other people? His colleagues, friends? If not, he is capable of controlling himself. He just chooses not to when it comes to you.

Whatever the reasons for his behaviour - depression, past trauma or abuse, etc - it is not acceptable. You have to draw the line and set some boundaries.

You can't fix him. If he is suicidal he must get professional help ASAP. Apart from encouraging him to get help, there's nothing you can do.

Don't be a martyr for this man. What are the 3 C's? You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. (I think.)

AnotherEmma Thu 07-Jan-16 01:40:37

OK, so I've just done a quick search and can see a few recent threads. Why do you keep starting different threads about the same subject? Surely it's easier to have all the information in one place? If not it's just more confusing and difficult for people to advise.

Cautlyn8795 Thu 07-Jan-16 01:44:03

Hes crying out for help, i just want to help him.
I wish hed help himself but its like hes that far past beliveing he can be helped that he wont.. He bahaving so defeated. Like theres no point in anything. To him it is completly inevitable no matter what he does that me and the kids will leave him that he'll go off the rails end up in jail or dead :-/ cos he truly believes hes last help

AnotherEmma Thu 07-Jan-16 01:44:58

You can't help him
Do yourself and your kids a favour, follow the advice on the other thread

Cautlyn8795 Thu 07-Jan-16 01:45:14

And yes he lashes out at everyone. I get it the most simply as im with him the most and closet to him

AnotherEmma Thu 07-Jan-16 01:46:24

Lucky you

Cautlyn8795 Thu 07-Jan-16 01:50:19

I guess i'll just take his kids and watch him kill himself then!?

NanaNina Thu 07-Jan-16 13:54:44

I'm not sure what you want and probably you don't either. I suffer from depression which can be severe at times but I don't behave badly toward my long suffering DP. I'm grateful for the care and support he gives me.

I know it's easy for people to say "leave him" when we're sitting at home on a laptop and it isn't that easy or presumably you would have done it long ago. I wonder what effect all this is having on your children. Are they "walking on eggshells" around him too. Lots of people with depression do self medicate with alcohol but it just means you end up with MH problems and the effects of the alcohol abuse.

It's your call but after 9 years of this emotional abuse I think it's time to think whether you and the children can continue like this - what's his behaviour doing to you. It sounds like he isn't concerned about you and your feelings. You could go to couple counselling but I don't think he's agree to that?

You seem worried that he might commit suicide if you left him, and he might but then again he might not. It's not that easy to do - people think swallowing a few paracetomol with alcohol will do it but it won't.

Do you have anyone in RL who can support you?

AnotherEmma Thu 07-Jan-16 14:01:45

I don't believe he really intends to kill himself. People who do intend to commit suicide don't usually talk about. Threatening suicide is a classic in the abuser's handbook - it keeps the victim exactly where they want them: feeling concerned, guilty and too scared to leave.

If he does commit suicide, that's his choice and his responsibility. No one else is responsible for it, as much as he'd like you to feel that you are.

This is going to sound awful but I think you and your children will be so much better off without him, whatever happens.

AnotherEmma Thu 07-Jan-16 14:02:13

Correction: talk about it

NanaNina Thu 07-Jan-16 19:34:05

I agree that blokes (and I suppose some women) often threaten suicide if the marriage/relationship is about to break up butit's a myth that people who intend to commit suicide don't talk about it. I have RL experience of this sadly.

AnotherEmma Thu 07-Jan-16 21:46:49

It's not a myth. It's true in some cases and not others. I know someone who attempted suicide and had never mentioned suicidal thoughts or even how low they were feeling.

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