Please please help me. I need self help books. I can't afford councelling.

[SoSoDown]

I need help. I want to see a therapist or counselor but it's not within my means.

I need to give a name(s) to what I have. I need help to come to terms with my life. I'm a mess. I have bottled it all up for years I can't do it anymore.

I don't love myself. I'm rejected, isolated, alone, a failure, anxious, angry, hurt, sad.

My mum is estranged from me. She's rejected me. She's let me down so badly I won't ever recover from her actions. She's toxic.

I grew up never knowing my father until I was 23 years old then I found him. 7 years later and I'm dealing with the confusion and hurt that he's abandoned me too. The relationship has fizzled out. He tried to get to know me and I wasn't what he expected. I'm not good enough and the person he wants me to be. He's dropped me like a piece of rubbish. I'm so hurt. Alone. So amny feelings and I cant process them, its too overwhelming. I've lost my mum and now my dad. I wish I never looked for him. I was so curious. but now im so devastated.

My parenting is suffering. Im a shell of a woman. Im so fake. No one knows the extend of my thoughts, I hide it so well and lock it all inside. But i cant seem to keep it all in anymore. I just want to not think about my cock ups anymore, to just put it all behind me but its impossible.

What can I do??

[ApologiesToInsectLife]

I think you need to go to your gp and explain how you feel or phone the IAPT service in your area who will assess you and refer you for counselling or other types of therapy according to what it felt best at the assessment. It may take a few months but you won't have to pay. Sorry you're feeling so awful.

[SoSoDown]

THank you for listening.
I won't speak to my Dr but I've logged a number from your advice about the IAPT in my area.
I just want to do something in the meantime. Im banging my fists to my head in frustration every day. I can' t come to terms with how my life has panned out. I don't know how to process it all.

[ApologiesToInsectLife]

Rejection by parents, the people who are supposed to care for you most, is incredibly painful. I understand you are in terrible psychological pain because of that and I'm so sorry you're feeling like that. You also might be able to access a crisis number via IAPT or google it for your area again if you're feeling desperate or consider the samaritans?

[Fourormore]

Google and see if there are any counselling charities in your area. There are plenty of places that offer counselling for free. You sound like you are in a terribly painful place and it would probably be really very difficult to try and overcome this alone.

[Viewofhedges]

Mind (the mental health organisation) also has lots of free local centres who might be able to help you. I phoned one today because I'm trying to find some free counselling for a friend, and they sounded lovely and very helpful. Google Mind and perhaps start by ringing their helpline? It would be a great place to start.

[Girlfriend36]

I find the Louise Hay books useful, You Can Heal Your Life is the main one. I don't agree with everything she says but its a good place to start in learning to be kind to yourself.

[Schmoozer]

I agree, get to Gp they should refer you for therapy, there will be a wait, but it's worth getting the ball rolling,
Local library should have books - check out Melanie fennel overcoming low self esteem,
And have a look at
www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/consumers.cfm
For online workbooks / self help
Best wishes x

[timelytess]

I had a Louise Hay I liked, too.
Lots of places do counselling for a minimal fee - check if your local authority provides anything, it will be on their website. As well as telling the GP and getting on waiting lists, check the surgery (and your local library) for leaflets directing you to free/very cheap counselling. I took a mindfulness course for free - its not counselling but the practice of living in the moment with awareness helps people to cope.
You mention your parenting - how many DC? Try to treat yourself with the same love and kindness you want to give to them.
You can 'put it all behind you'. I had, through the GP, some intensive hypnotherapy which stopped me looking at the past. There's a downside, I can't write a performance review to save my life, and I block out lots of things I need to do, but I sure as heck am not haunted by the past the way I used to be. I'm much happier.
Your parents didn't get it right. That isn't your fault at all. I've had loads of therapy but still things come back - a few days ago I remembered, and understood for the first time, the horror of something my mum would say to me when I was pre-school age. It has taken 55 years for me to be ready to look at that again.
Sending you soothing thoughts and those MN-forbidden hugs.

[timelytess]

Don't expect to be able to do it all alone, or in a hurry. You've started on the path to healing - you've recognised your situation and you're looking for help.

[SoSoDown]

Thank you so so much. I can't talk to anyone in RL. Not even DH. He knows the situation and the back story. He's been there from it's beginning and continues to do whilst it's still happening. But - he lacks the skill to just listen. To just be an ear. I don't want anecdotes of his fathers controlling behavior when he was growing up, i don't want to hear about how he went through similar, i don't want to listen to his opinion on what to do, i know he's trying to help. i just want him to listen and allow me to spill. He can also become angry when there's updates and I'm crying and upset. Not at me but He feels helpless and just wants me to feel better but it's out of his hands and that's where the anger comes from. And when he's agitated and frustrated, i put my problems to the side to placate him. I'm a people pleaser. Then I stop talking and keep the rest inside. I'm so fed up of carrying it all around. I stoop so much. I just feel so heavy.

I wish I had my mum to fall back on. My dad can't be arsed with me. I'm devastated. i don't want my mum finding out. It'll kill me when she does. She'll gloat. She'll smugly say that it's what i deserve, that it's karma. I hate her. I hate him. I hate myself. Why couldn't she support me? Why couldn't she see i was so desperate to know him, why was it so wrong for me to find him? And he's no better. He knew that me establishing a relationship with him was o e of the main reasons that caused my mum to attack mee and I then lost her for good. He would almost be happy to ask me if I've spoken to her yet, like he's revelling in it. He knew my mum verbally attacked me and was so spiteful and hateful when she confronted me about finding him. He knows the kids havent seen their grandmother for nearly 4 long ywars. It's like he liked it. And despite knowing that, he has now left me alone too. I hate it i hate him. I wish I never found him. My kids ask about him and i wish they nevef knew him. Why doesnt he think of them too? Why doesnt my mum? They're innocent. And they ask me about my mum and i have to be tackful. Its a burden. I cant cope.

[ithinkthereforeiam]

I also think you should be able to get counselling for free. Have you checked your local MIND website? Also, you might be able to self refer to your IAPTS service which might alternately be called the wellbeing service depending on where you live. Even if you have to wait, just being in the sytem might give you some sense of relief.

I know there are websites and self-help books out there for people whose childhood has been ruined by toxic parents. However, I would personally recommend looking at some self-help books on self-compassion. Maybe Paul Gilbert's Mindful Compassion or any Compassionate Mind type book. Not necessarily to start doing the exercises but just for good background reading of how our past affects our present. Something to (hopefully) do whilst you wait for professional help. I hope you get the help you want. Do take advantage of what is out there. Don't keep suffering alone.

[SoSoDown]

Thank you so much.

I called IAPS a couple of hours ago. They will call me in the morning to assess me and they said they will determine what I need from that call. I'm nervous to be honest. I dont know how I'm going to convince them i need help in just 30 minutes. I dont want group therapy as suggested or online help. Just quiet one on one to offload and maybe get a diagnosis of my mental state. I want to know what it all means and I want to come to terms with my life and over come them. I'm so confused right now. I just don't know what's what.
Id love family therapy but my mum would refuse. Flat out refuse. And then mock me for wanting it. Thank you all for your replies. I cant tell you how much it means to be acknowledged. I'll note all your books suggestions.

In answer to the Qn, i have two children 8 and 6. And I'm 6.5 months gone with 3rd. I'm not excited. This should be an exciting time that includes all the family. I've witnessed that when my SIL fell pregnant . both her families rallying round . Each of my pregnancies has been recieved poorly by my mum. Disappointed tones, no enthuiasm or cuddles or happy screams. My family life is like tumble weed. I'm envious of others. My father told me he would love me to have more, in the early days. I'm his only child. He had no more after me. No one else can give him grandchildren. I cant tell you the feeling to have my long lost dad being positive for me and me being able to not be scared to tell him of my life decisions, unlike with my mum. It felt so good. I fell pregnant and he was the first i told. I messaged him a picture of the test. Nothing. I called him. Nothing. Left more messages. Just radio silence. I look on his facebook page and hes out and about. Posting loads of pics of his new kittens, or empowering statements and similar. But cant be bothered to return my calls or acknowledge my pregnancy. Im so gutted.

My mum doesnt know of impending pregnancy. Whats the point anyway. Shes discarded her only two grandchildren, whats one more. She posted on social media that I'm not her daughter. For the world to see. That my half brother and half sister are her only children. Has she forgotten her grandchildren too? Shes a witch. A toxic toxic witch. I hate her proudness. I hate her stubborn, spiteful manipulative personality. I hate it all and just want to forget everything. I cry so much.

[timelytess]

i just want him to listen and allow me to spill That's the fabulous thing about counsellors. They do that! And they're still positive about you afterwards. I've had ten and I'm lining up for another.
Then I stop talking and keep the rest inside. I'm so fed up of carrying it all around Of course you are. But recognising that is a sign that you are moving into a healing phase. Could be long, will almost certainly have painful times, but healing all the same.
I wish I had my mum to fall back on. Yes. We need our mothers and so many of them are broken. While they are alive, they have the potential to hurt us again and again.
My dad can't be arsed with me Too many parents are like that, putting themselves first to the extent that they let down everybody else. You're doing a good job, limiting what you tell your children to suit their age. I never got that right with my dd.
Just be honest with IAPS. When I had a half-hour telephone assessment last year, by the time I'd finished I could hear the triage person holding back sobs. I've had three hardened mh professionals teary-eyed at my life-story! Be honest and you'll get your message across.
By looking for help, you are doing a wonderful thing for your children. You might not be perfect (who is?) but you are actively pursuing healing and its for their benefit as well as your own.
You could always block your dad on facebook, not look at his page at all. Facebook is all self-promotion, the image of yourself you want the world to see. He's not going to put you up there so the world can think what a shit dad he's been and still is. Looking is just torturing yourself. A friend of mine told me 'Don't use your energy against yourself', and I try to remember it.
Goodness, I'd written the above before reading about your mum's facebook behaviour. She's nasty (if you don't mind my saying so!) and I should know, I had a nasty mother of my own.
Whatever your parents are like, you are a good person with rightful aims and direction. You're tired out now with suffering, but you're going to get better. Slowly slowly, these people will matter less and less to you. Get on all the counselling waiting lists, look for any sessions available, and gently go for it.
I'm a parent. I didn't get it right. My dd has been in counselling for a while. She's healing, too.
Good luck.

[dumdidumdum]

Depending on your location there might be a women's counselling centre in a nearby city. Payment at these is usually means tested.

[Babymamamama]

You've made an amazing first step looking at your options. I hope you find the counselling option that will help you move forward. Many posters on mumsnet have difficult issues with their parents so I am sure you will find online support. But face to face therapy could be so helpful . Let us know how you get on and sending you all good wishes.

[WLmum]

Some areas have free fast online cbt - search NHS for online mental health services. Hope you find some help soon.

[SoSoDown]

Thank you everyone for your advice and replies. Its so good to be listened to. Its so good to get it out.
I really want one on one face to face real life help. Theres just too much that's happened to put down in words. I've tried to. I wrote a fake email to my mum the ither day. I had to get out my thoughts they were making my day unbearable. I hadnt reached a tenth of what was on ny mind before giving up and shutting down my computor. It was too much to process and too hurtful to think back on her lack of love. I need help with my parenting. When I'm having a bad time with them I have to fight the urge to slap them across the face or have them up against a wall. They're my memories. But In stead I shout sometines scream, its no better. But i dont know how else to react. Thats how my mum parented me. I'm a failure. I hate her but i am so much like her. I cant do this anymore. I never had cuddles from my mum, communication was shut down, she wasnt unddrstanding and rational. I find it hard to show affection with my children, I force it. I actually have to force it, cuddling should be natural and i have to force it. Its not healthy. I want my kids to grow up not afraid to express affection, to show its good and right to love openly. I am harder on my dd and i hate myself for it. I need help. I don't want to be like this.
I wonder how my mom would be if she heard i was in hospital, if I'd been in an accident or had done myself damage, would she care? Would my dad care? If i lost the baby would she let bygones be bygones and come to me? I want her attention and acknowledgement so badly but shes so hard nosed and proud. She never admits shes wrong, never says sirry to the one shes wronged, never acknowledges her coldness. She'd cut you from her life for years than admit wrong and apologise just to save face. She has done it to every member of the family before. I just never expected to be on the receiving end seeing as I'm her first born daughter. Im so alone. I hate all this.

[SoSoDown]

Hi and morning. Im just giving an update as Babymamamama mentioned yesterday. I was called this morning for assessment and I'm thankful that I'm now on a waiting list to see a counselor. I feel good of course, but i did admit to the lady on the phone that I was feeling better today so i felt awkward talking to her. But shes agreed i need help with my emotions and feelings. Theres nothing i can do about my parents, I cant change them sadly for me and the sake of my kids. I just need the tools to allow me to get on with it and to not be worried and anxious and bogged down with the hurt. So she will call again to see how i am in a few weeks time. And says the waiting list isnt as intense as can sometimes be so hopefully I'll be seen in a little over a month.
I'll look up the book recommedations anyway. Perhaps read them whilst i wait. I havent picked up a book for a long time. I mumsnet a bit and play soda crush and lie down when nobody is around. I have no enthusiasm for anything. Thank you all again for lending an ear and just being sympathetic. It has helped me so much already.

[ApologiesToInsectLife]

That is brilliant news Soso. This is the start of you feeling better about yourself. It will be painful at times going through the counselling but it will help you process your emotions about your parents rejection and in turn help you be more connected with your own children. Good luck to you.

[Babymamamama]

Great to read your update OP. Sounds like you've made real progress this morning. You are now on a waiting list so have something to focus on in terms of moving forward You are right there's nothing you can do about your parents. But you can focus on you and feeling the best you can. For yourself and your family. As I always say you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family. There are lots of threads on mumsnet about going non contact or NC, but doing the therapy option will help you process your feelings so you can decide what is best for you.

[timelytess]

Good work! Well done!

[Babymamamama]

By the way if you haven't seen it there's an ongoing thread on mumsnet if you google "stately homes" it should come up. There you will see how many other people have difficult feelings regarding their upbringings. You are not on your own.

[Snog]

Have you tried listening to the mental illness happy hour podcast by Paul gilmartin?
Not a substitute for therapy but has brought me comfort and more understanding of the problems in my life.