Bonding, lack of

[NKd1165832325913]

Everything I read promised an imediate 'feeling of joy' elation etc on birth of baby, but after 2 weeks I still feel nothing, except scared I've made an ireversable mistake and scared of its constant demands and of having to raise a girl in a sexist world - Is this normal?!
Despite wanting to get pregnant I found I hated being pregnant. I had a horrible labour with emergancy C-section, but I thought it'd be ok after, not like this.
I'm very lucky to have relatives that are thrilled about the baby but I wonder when/if I'll ever feel like that. I know I should be grateful to have a healthy child but it just feels like I'm stuck in a big never ending nightmare, nothing like those happy smug mothers in magazines etc

[lulumama]

support after a traumatic birth

the smug mothers in the magazines are pictures , staged for the purpose of selling magazines !! the reality is different in many cases.

the reality of having a baby , someone who depends on you to keep them safe and nurtured, is a huge and overwhelming responsibility ...you are tired, upset , on an emotional and hormonal rollercoaster...you need someone to listen , and not just say, oh well, as long as the baby is ok.....

YOU need to be ok too....they way you are feeling is quite common and normal.....

are you getting much help, any support? can someone help you do house stuff so you can concentrate on the baby and yourself and establishing a bond?

[bakedpotato]

Oh, poor you, I do think this is fairly normal, you're still poleaxed by the birth and I'd guess you're not getting much sleep plus baby is still at fairly unengaging stage. Wait till you get a first smile, it won't be long, then you may feel differently.

Try to get some time to yourself... if you have family support, get someone else to take the baby out so you can have a long bath/listen to radio/tune out for a bit. Rest and try to keep doing the things you like doing, if you have the energy.

Don't beat yourself up for not loving this bit, I can't believe anyone sails through it. It's a very hard bit.

But do keep an eye on yourself. (I felt as if I'd landed in a nightmare too, and I had PND. Not saying you will, but it's very useful to keep it on the radar.) Be frank with HV/DP.

[Squiffy]

I think you are far more normal than you realise. I remember being confused and miserable for weeks after my DS was born and thinking I was some kind of horrific failure of a mother because I didn't feel instantly maternal. And I felt such a fraud when relatives cooed over him and stuff like that.

Don't worry. It'll come.

Naomi Woolf the feminist wrote a whole book on the subject of how you actual grieve when you have a baby, because you are forced to change so radically. Can't remember the title but might be worth checking it out if you need further rassurance on this.

[icebat]

Please don't feel guilty about the way you feel, that will just make you worse and you are completely NORMAL!!

Some people do get the slushy lovey bonding thingy straight away and lots of us don't. I felt just the same as you - absolutely horrified! For weeks and weeks!

DS is now 10mnths and it's only really now that I can say I'm bonding properly. I thought I was PND'd but I was NORMAL.

The first few weeks are hell anyway, no sleep, complete shock, sore boobs, not eating properly (you as well as maybe the baby).

You both need time to get to know one another and bakedpotato is right when she says baby doesn't 'do' much yet - there's no feedback.

Love takes time to grow just the same as in any relationship. It will for you too. Just you wait and see.

[DonnerDasherDancerDior]

I didn't feel bonded with ds really until he was about 12 weeks. I too thought I had made a huge mistake. I expected it to all be wonderful...

You have just been through 9 months of feeling bad and then a birth! What women really need after all that is a rest, not a mewling poo machine demanding attention at all hours!

Bonding will come, don't worry. Take care of yourself and sleep when you can (not always easy I know!)

[xmasstocking]

I felt exactly the same - I used to sit and wish I could go back in time when me and DH were having nice holidays, could go out when we wanted etc - I guess I was grieving for my past life and couldn't get past that. I had no feeling of elation after the birth (emergency c-section aswell).

It took DS being admitted to hospital at 7 weeks and having an operation for me to realise how much he meant to me and from that moment, I got over my 'grief' for my past life very quickly. Obviously this was extreme and wouldn't wish it on anyone but I think the 'bonding' would have come at some point - this just speeded things up.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that what you are feeling is normal - it is such a shock and those pictures in magazines don't depict the truth for most people.

I used to stare at DS and think 'god, is he mine, what am I supposed to do with him' and it is only recently I found out my sister felt the same with her first lo - I assumed she had bonded straight away!

A bit rambly but hope it helps you realise that you are not alone.

[eggnog]

pmsl dior, 'mewling poo machine'

i felt much the same way. i remember the MW showing me ds in the delivery room and just thinking' oh god, someone take him away' and pretending to be all thrilled and happy. it took time. It is normal, lulumama has it absolutley right.

big hugs- it does get easier

[sunnysideup]

NK, Don't worry, this is the reality for many, many people. This time is the HUGEST learning curve of your life...you are recovering from major surgery, and you have a person in your life that you just don't know yet.

I had moments in the early weeks of thinking "this is the worst thing I have ever done". But then other days, little flashes of feeling would wash over me, fondness...then one day I looked at ds and thought "I love you, but I don't know why". The feelings just build on each other and grow; until one day you realise you love this person more than anything on the face of the earth, and you understand the meaning of loving someone with every fibre of your being!! It will come, do not worry!

Your body and brain need time to grow these feelings. I've always felt that if I had a second child, the bonding thing would probably be a lot easier because my brain already has these pathways that make up the maternal, protective feelings. I think you're at the stage where your brain is making these pathways but they certainly will come.

Be kind to yourself, make sure you are getting the time and rest to recover physically and mentally from your difficult birth; TALK about it!

By the way, smug mothers in magazines = about as removed from reality as airbrushed, siliconed glamour models are from the normal female body. Don't buy it!

[steffy1]

i agree with all the other comments made here so i wont repeat them

However, have you tried (or you can from 6 weeks) baby massage classes? i had a rough time after ds2 birth with bonding, dp, etc, and found this 3 hrs a week helped me to get to know my baby, and also meet other mums. Your local sure start should have a massage program, and its usually free.

[GooseyLoosey]

Echo what all of the others said - not unusual at all.

I too thought I had made a terrible mistake and welcomed the times when someone took ds off me. I couldn't bear to admit to anyone how I felt as thought it would be an admission of failure and no one would have understood - I just went through the motions of pretending to be a loving mother.

With hindsight it would have helped to talk. Is there anyone you can tell all this to?

It really, really does get easier and you adjust to a life with less personal choice and time but it might take a while.

Can someone look after the baby for a while so you can have some time for you?

[MummyPossum]

Message withdrawn

[lulumama]

whether you breast or bottle fed..skin to skin contact is wonderful..........i used to feed DD skin to skin (bottle fed) as couldn;lt breast feed her.......it was lovely..used to get in bed, strip off, then strip her down to the nappy , and feed her...was great..that extra cosiness together really was special...

[divastrop]

ive had 4 children(now expecting no 5)and i didnt get that feeling of elation thing till i gave birth to no 3.the first two were drugged-up horrible labours and both babies needed help breathing cos id had so many drugs i didnt want.but with ds2 i only had g+a and he cried straight away and i had the skin-skin contact as soon as he was born.i had the same experience with dd2.
pregnancy is also made aout to be a wonderful time in all the magazines and that,with pictures of happy,glowing women who have neat little bumps.but you only have to read the threads on ante-natal depression on here,or have a quick scan of the ante-natal club threads to realise that in reality it really isnt like that for the majority of women.

[MummyPossum]

Message withdrawn

[wellsie]

Have just read your post and can so relate to what you have said.
I hated being pregnant, the birth wasn't how I thought it was going to to be and then once DH went back to work and mum went home I was left all alone with DS. I felt so out of my depth and really felt I had made the biggest mistake of my life to the point that I told DH that we would have to give him up for adoption because I wasn't capable of doing this and that there are so many people out there who want children that we should let them look after him

Now to make you feel positive..... DS1 is now nearly 3 and I now have DS2 who is nearly 6mths. It took a little while to get over those feelings but with the help of family and a good HV I overcame those feelings of fear, anxiety and shock and I also came to realise that all those smug mums who seemed to be loving being a mummy were actually struggling too but were just better at hiding it.

I also used MN all the time and I still do if I'm not sure about something or need advice on the next phase

It will get better, I promise. I swore I was never going to have anymore children and yet DS2 was planned and if I had my way I'd have another one tomorrow - must have had a good nights sleep last night

As so many people will have told you, nothing prepares you for becoming a parent and I still have days when I think - "God! what have I done!?" But the past 3yrs have flown by and I wouldn't change my situation for anyone elses.

IT WILL GET BETTER.