Feeling so unmotivated,anyone else?

[Outofsorts]

Just needed to write this down as not sure why I am feeling like this.
Am so unmotivated about everything.
Every morning I wake up feeling so tired and don't know how I will get through the day.
I have 2 children and a fab house and a husband although works long hours in the week does help out at the weekend.
I just feel in the week I am dealing with everything my self.
My son has special needs and I am finding it difficult to cope and feel over whealmed by it.I worry about him all the time at school and want to protect him.
I have no family nearby to help and it's always just me and the children.
I don't drive so am indoors most days with no adult conversation.

I just can't get it together I wake up every morning with a sinking feeling and don't want to do anything.
the house is a mess and MIL is due for the weekend and have got nothing orgainisd for her visit.
Dh is just relaxed about her visit and is leavoing it tome to sort the house out and plan the meals for the weeken nd I just cant be bothered.
I KNow MIL will look at the house and make some remark but whwre AS before I WOULd have been worried about this I JUst don't care.

I have no pride in my apperance and avoid answering the phone .
I just don't feel right.
I can't put my finger on it but I just feel as though I coud do with a rest and sit in a darkened room just to think.
I never seem to get any time on my own.

Not sure because f my age whether it's the menapause approaching or just the time of year.

I Just fel everyone is on my back all the time pressuring me.
Whether it be my DH about the state of the house or how much time i spend on the comuter.He checks via his computer at work and sends me messAges about why am i on the computeragain and should use my energy more constuctivaly.
He even did a search on my name the other day asked why i had been on a certain mthering site.
The school are always on at me regarding my ds and they don't understand his condition and the health visitor is always ringing me asking how things are going and making out i am a bad mother in a roundabout way.

I just ignore the phone now and want everyone to just leave me alone.

[RuthChan]

It sounds like you really need help.
Everything that you describe sounds like classic symtoms of depression.
You are at home with children, and feel that you lack the practical and emotional support that you need.
You have therefore lost motivation and find that you no longer care about certain things that used to seem important.
It sounds like your husband is relaxed about things, but does he realise how you really feel. Have you tried to discuss this with him?
More than anyone, he is the person best able to help you.
Does he realise how draining it can be to be a housewife and mother?
Does he realise that you feel unsupported and alone?
The other people you should rely on are your friends. Talking to them with help you.
Can you go out and meet them? You say you don't drive, but maybe you can get out in other ways or they can go to your place.
Other than that, try to get out of the house each day, even if only to the park or the supermarket.
The feelings you are having are not your fault, but they need attending to before they become worse and create real problems for you.

[Outofsorts]

Thanks for your reply Ruthchan.

I have tried to talk to my Dh but he is home most nights late and meets up with friends sometimes after work which makes me feel so resentful that he has contact and social time with the outside world.
He just says that we have to face the fact we have no family support and just get on with it.

I don't have a network of friends now to talk to as lost contact when I finished my job and had the children.
I talk to some of the mothers from school but not really any I couldconfide in as I feel they think I am a bit strange and sometimes they talkto me and other times ignore me or make funny remarks.
Maybe it's me being paranoid as my Dh says I
have a tendency to feel paranoid qute a lot.

I did have problems a couple of years ago after my dd was born with anxiety and going out and thought i had conquered it.
But i can feel myself slipping back to feeling that way again.
I have not taken my ds to school the last couple of days and last wek for a few days and the school is now on y back and the health visitior but just get really panicky about leaving the house and want to just stay in with my childen and feel safe.

No one really understands this and I am ignoring phone calls from my health visitir who keeps ringing and even my dh's messages as i don't want to face up to it.
I don't want to go back to where i was a couple of years ago but don't know what to do about it.
I am frightened of admitting this to my health vistor as have had a bad experience with her in the past and with homestart when i had PND and they did'nt understand and just made me out to be a neglectful mother.
I don't have anyone i can tell hoe i really feel ,I JUST feel stuck with these feelings anf can't see a way out.
Don't want people thinking i am not coping but i know i am not.

[RuthChan]

I'm sorry that your DH thinks that you should just 'get on with it' despite having no family support. Does he not realise that HE is your family support?
Of course he needs to go out with his friends sometimes, but he also needs to take into consideration that you lack the social support that his job automatically gives him.
I really hope that you can talk to him calmly and help him to understand something about your situation.

You said that you have lost contact with most of your friends since you stopped working.
Have you tried to make contact with any of them recently?
Friends are friends whatever the situation.
If you contact them, even old ones who you haven't spoken to in ages, you'll probably find that they're pleased to hear from you.
Friendships don't need much work, but they do need rekindling sometimes.

You also mentioned worries that people wouldn't take you seriously because you've been had problems with PND etc before.
Please don't let that put you off asking for help now.
Those close to you like your DH and health worker should know that you are likely to need help. They should be more willing to listen because of that, not less.
If you've had problems with your health worker, do you think there's any chance that you could speak to a different one? I'm sorry, I've never had one so I don't really know anything about the system.

Basically, you are being really honest in these postings.
I think that is a really big step.
You may find it difficult to admit to those close to you that you are not coping with everything, but you have admitted it here.
You clearly know that you have a problem and that's the first big step.
Please think really hard before keeping your kids home from school.
I understand that you want to protect them as much as yourself, but there's nothing to protect them from.
Don't let your problems affect them and their education. They need to go to school to be educated and to see their friends etc.
Keeping them at home doesn't help them.

You need to concentrate on yourself and getting the help and support that you need.

[Wolfgirl]

Hi OOS. My giddy aunt, reading your post is like a mirror image of my own self. You are not alone. Thats what depression is. Everything you have said is depression. I dont answer the phone. I dont go out. I have started back at work and that has helped - I now put lipstick on and brush my hair in the morning. But my desire for all the things I once desired has gone. I exist for my children, and love them passionately. I dont love my DH the way I love my children though - I push him away - and he comes out with all the things yours does .

I could write more, but you get the picture. It is the same as you my dear. And you know what, there's heaps of us women out there, the same. And you know what. I promise you it will pass and it will get better. Its a mighty wave we are surfing right now, but it will break and you will survive. Its a season, a cold wintery season, which will pass.

You take care my dear. People are good you know, we just dont think they are because of the place we are in. Oh and one more thing. Heard of the phrase 'needs must' ? well, thats what you must do . If you cant answer the phone - dont. If HV appears to be digging, blank it; if kids play up walk away - go upstair in the loo and cry or whatever. Needs must - do what you can and what you need to do, to get through this. IF the house is messy/dirty/smelly - so what. Play with the kids and love them first. Forget housework, forget.... etc

bye for now. xxx

[Outofsorts]

Wolfgirl,what you have written is exactly how I feel .
I Feel I am exsisting for my children and trying my best to get it right,but it's bloody hard work when you just want to go somewhere and hide.
I try and keep my emotions under wraps in front if the children and go to the bathroom if I am feeling low but they follow me everywhere and it feels stiffling sometimes.
But then I Guess as some people would say ie my DH and my Mil that your there mother and that's a mothers job.

How long have you had problems with going out?
Was it before you had your children?

You sound as if you are doing well at the moment.

My phone has just started ringing whilst I am typing this and my heart is beating fast and I feel all panicky.
I don't want to answer it so will do 1471 and see who it was.

Silly I know but I have got in the habit of doing that now and it saves me having to tslk to people when I am feeling like this.

[SufferingInSilence]

Outofsorts, just wanted to say again what you have been told. All you describe are symptoms of depression.
You obviously have a lot on your plate with 2 children, one of them with SN.
Go to see your GP, take a print of what you have written to us and show it to him/her. You need some help and you deserve it.

It does get better. I have been depressed and I have seen the other side of the tunnel but the more you will get the easier it will be.

[Quootiepie]

Sounds exactly like me... The past few weeks ive been awful. The only thing I can put it down to is the weather (!) possibly SAD, and being stressed. Sorry I cant help much, but wanted you to know your not alone... {{hugs}}

[Outofsorts]

Sufferinginsilence and quootiepie-thanks for the replys.

Am a bit worried about aproaching the GP as he has been less than sympathetic in the past.
Also I know he will suggest anti depressants and I am not sure i want to go down that route.

I keep saying to myself tomorrow wil be different and I wil make an effort,then I wake up feeling so tired and never get myself motivatd.
I see other mothers down the school ,smartly dressed and fully made up and wonder how they do it.Always seem to be in control and rushing round here and there and it take me all my energy and nerve just to get to the school everyday,much more a shopping trip which i worry about days before.
It's just a nightmare and would sound so silly to anyone else if I tried to explain it.

[Quootiepie]

oh yes - every day I think "right, tomorrow - thats it. I will wake all refreshed, and be positive" etc... but in reality I crawl out of bed and just do the bare minimum with DS and the house. DH has been off work, but when he goes back I dont know what its going to be like. All throughout the summer I made HUGE steps after a few really bad years, but in the past few weeks ive been planted back here. Im still in my dressing gown and its 4pm! Ive been on ADs, and I think thats maybe what gave me the boost to better help myself... im reluctant to go back to GP though to try it again because I feel abit of a failure. DH doesnt really understand ~ I try and explain I cant function like him. I find it impossible. I too ignore the phone... in my head im thinking "why??" but I do, and just press 1471 afterwards. Im even coming on MN less lately because I dont even feel like that. The way I got out of this before was building myself back up, little by little... but at the moment I dont have the motivation to do the smallest steps...

[Quootiepie]

Why dont you want to go back onto ADs?

[Outofsorts]

I only went on them for a short time and found they made me feel sick and could'nt sleep at all.
Also I grew up with my mother taking lots of medication not for depression but for other things and after she died my father was put on anti deperessants and he changed from a calm person to a angry ,less patient man.
He died 4 years later and was only 69 ,my mum was only 60 when she died.

I think a lot of my insercurities stem from not getting to say goodbye to ethier of them and over worrying that something will happen to my children.

[Quootiepie]

to be honest, I think if you have... I dont like to say issues, but, issues (sorry if that sounds bad, im not very good with words) you might benefit from councilling? Is that whats getting you down? Or is that a seperate issue? There are literally 100's of ADs to try now, so if one doesnt suit, you dont have to stay on it... Have you considered changing GP?

[Outofsorts]

I had thought of changing GP dare I say to a woman doctor but would rather try and do this without tablets if I can.

I think my issues with my parents death is somethingI still deal with all these years on and also that they never got to see my children.

Also worrying about my ds and his problems are a constant concern for me. I love him so much and hate to think of him struggling at school and the school do their best but really understand him and his condition and I am constantly explaining to them to make sre they get it right.

I know my DH has the same worried re our ds but I always feel as the main carer day to day that I shoulder all the burden re school meeting etc and now the health visitor has concerns re my dd wondering if she will have the same problems.

I feel any problems my children may have is down to me as their main carer and everyone seems to point the finger at me when I am doing my best to get it right.

[Pitchounette]

Message withdrawn

[RuthChan]

Hi again OOS.
It's really good to see so many people writing you understanding messages.
They have offered some really good advice.
I would really like to say that I think the idea of printing out these messages and showing them to your DH and your GP is really good. You said that you don't think people will believe or understand how you feel.
If you show them these messages, I think they will both understand and believe you. You have been very clear and honest in what you have written. Anyone can see that.

As for the AD and GP question, I too think you need to change GPs. My mother was severly depressed for the last few years of her life. Her GP was pretty useless and she should have changed. A good GP can help find the right help for you, be that medicine, counselling or whatever. Certainly counselling would help you. You clearly need to speak personally to someone who is sympathetic and understanding.

Please don't blame yourself for your problems. They are not of your making, but they can be fixed. This is not permanent. There is light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to keep focused on it and keep moving towards it.

Take care.