Wondering if other people feel like this, and advice please

[NegativeIron]

have nc'd. Sorry, long.

Am on ADs, waiting for counselling. Have done CBT before. Seem to have invented my own version of DBT.

Problem is that I just don't want to exist.

I can have fun, in the surface. I work hard, support friends, have a privileged life, do charity work, take exercise, have a reasonably healthy diet, intellectual and non intellectual interests etc. I have a very loving family.

But if I didn't have a dc who is not yet mature, I would find a way not to exist. ( don't worry, MN HQ, won't say how.)

I just want to get off the carousel. And stop.

I am writing this as I am hoping that having done so is in itself a protective factor. Just as having a dc is. Because I know from friends how hard it is to have a parent who has committed suicide. And I don't want, intellectually, to put dc through it. I don't regard suicide as either a sin or selfish. But I should prefer dc not to have to go through this.

I'm not in the depths if despair. I can still laugh. But I just want, deep down, to get off. And if I pause for any time at all that desire for nothingness is almost overwhelming.

Any ideas?

[Jemima14]

I'm sorry I have no ideas for you at all except to relate. It always shocks me other peoples fierce want for survival at all costs. Whereas I regularly feel like, Id just rather exit, I often feel like, I wish I could just not exist or 'be' for a few days, if that makes any sense. Somewhere in the back of my head though there is a voice, its small but its there, telling me to forge on & to just keep trying. And by god, to I keep trying, I get knocked regularly, but (eventually) get back up.

I just wish I had that will, like others do, who are so happy to say 'well, aren't you lucky your alive' etc.

I don't know what else to say to you, you sound intelligent so Im sure you have looked into what you could change or try to get feel a deeper meaning or contentedness to your llife.

I am going through a pretty black time in my own life. And I do have the thought that I don't want to suffer this anymore. But feel the same way, how can I scar so deeply, my child who is my whole heart, its so hard. I've realised thats why parents often take their children with them (I know, I feel sorry for myself that my mind is that black that I have come to this conclusion).

Hopefully someone else can add something a bit more helpful.

[Jemima14]

I watched this earlier, maybe you might like it too: