feel like crap - long rant

[vizbizz]

After reading some of these other threads, I know things could be worse, but I feel so crap.

DS is 10 months old. I had really bad tearing, and pain for a long time. I am still sore, and sometimes still in pain. Have pushed the medico's to try and get more help/assessment, but everything comes only after complaining like nothing I have ever done before...help usually arriving much later than it should have. I am a few hours flight away from family. I don't know many people here. I have a really supportive DH, but he's not a talker, and some days I feel like I am talking to a brick wall for all the good it does me.

I have been going to counselling for PTSD, some days I think it's helping, but the last few days I have really been down. I find myself wishing I didn't have a baby, which is awful because I wanted him so much before he arrived. I love him, but I regret the person I have become since having him.

I am sick and tired of crying and feeling sore, and feeling bad.

Worst of all I have found a lump in my breast and have just made an appointment to see my gp. So now I am feeling a bit freaked out on top of everything else.

[justbeme]

oh vizbizz - sorry to hear that.
Sometimes everything crescendos into a big rollercoaster and everything gets too much to deal with - i know ive been there.
It does sound like you have depression though which magnifies all your other worries - talk about this to your Gp. Ive found Prozac has been brilliant in getting me through the other side and then everything takes on a whole new perspective and it isnt addictive at all (speaking from my own experience). What about your Health visitor - can you chat to her? Theres also a charity that helps mums with kids under 5 - perhaps you could ask her about that - that way you can get to meet another local mum who you can chat with/help you (is it rightstart? i cant remember)

[BoobsLikeBoulders]

Sounds like you've had a rough time viz. I had a shite pregnancy/labour and like you was a long way from friends and family - I know how isolated and lonely it can be to be at home with a baby. Have you tried any anaesthetic gels 'down there' - it may help. You shouldn't still have pain this far on and you are right to make a fuss. Maybe this breast lump is a blocked duct? are you still breastfeeding??

[vizbizz]

i have tried the anaesthetic gels, but specialists think it's nerve damage...though they aren't sure.

No, it won't be a blocked duct, I stopped breastfeeding at 3.5 months. well, my body decided it was too hard trying to make milk and heal all the sore places down there, I guess. I did everything I could (including medication) to keep it going, but it just didn't happen. In truth, I think medication was what helped keep it going even that long. Felt bad about that for a while, but I guess it just wasn't meant to be.