Right, here goes.
We've got a lot going on at the moment. I think I've been extremely stressed/at the end of my tether for a good month and a half/two months but haven't wanted to admit it.
About a month ago I had a brain overload thing because I was so stressed. You know when like the floodgates to your brain open and you can't control anything. I thought it was over then once I calmed myself down.
However I'm becoming incresingly anxious, (which when I naturally analyse everything is pretty detrimental) to the point I feel really sick a lot of the time. I seem to be cleaning/getting crazy about the kids routine to the point where I've become a control freak. If my dp leaves the house and hasn't returned in the time I think it will take to do a particular thing I'm panicking about him, thinking he's had an accident or gone off the rails (I don't let him know I am). And I've near enough become a hermit. I dread even opening the door incase a neighbour sees me and chats. When I go and hang washing out in the garden I have to hood up, I feel panicky and exposed incase someone tries to chat to me. This isn't me! I used to be so sociable and always wanting to go out. Now I feel like I want to just curl up in bed and never get up or see anyone. Maybe just have some books to get me by.
I have two children. Oldest just turnes 2 the youngest is 5 months. I used to be the calm one with them always saying "I know it goes through you but she's just a baby" and now it sounds horrible but I dread them waking up. I cooked a roast the other day. And dd2 always times the bottle for when I'm starting/checking and serving dinner. I just collapsed in tears. I can't shout and yell and take it out on people like other people can. I just hold it in. It seems illogical to do that for me. I have no release.
Through all that we're going through at the moment dp, keeps telling me I'm the rock, I'd never get through without you. But I can't be the rock anymore. I can't cope. But as soon as I say that, or actually act how I'm feeling. The family's falling apart. I can see it in front of my eyes. Dps problems are getting worse, he's losing control. Why can't someonelse (him) hold the fort for once. Why if I don't do it does everything fall apart. I want to, I want to bung on a fake smile and say, "only joking guys I' m fine" but I can't do that anymore. I just don't have the strength I have nothing left.
I don't even feel down anymore I just feel neutral. Nothing like a robot. But then I actually don't even know how I feel. I think I've been pretending too long. Keeping it bottled up so it doesn't affect the family :(
I don't sleep well. Don't really eat. Lost quite a bit of weight. I look terrible. But not on purpose. I just have no appetite, no urge to eat. And I have had a cold for a while which is draining me. I do feel like I'm going insane. And stuck in my head.
Thanks to anyone that has read through this all. I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know how to cope/get better. I feel like if I go to the gp I'll be taking time away from some one who actually needs it.
Any advice appreciated. Thank you
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Mental health
Should I seek help?
9 replies
yazz21 · 15/08/2015 20:57
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