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seriously messing everything up...can't take it anymore

(23 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Neverletmego27 Thu 13-Aug-15 17:18:29

I am messing up and my head is all over the place. I am currently having an assessment with psychology. They think I have major depression, road and bpd. In the past year, I have had psychosis for 8 months, was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, dd' s Dad (My ex) died and I've had major depression. I take anti depressants and anti physcotics. I am fat, ugly and worth less after all of this. I have a degree and an trying to get a job. But I have a huge gap in my cc thanks to mental health issues. I went somewhere for learning and work today and they had forgotten I was meant to be there.I haven't had an interview in months. I get flashbacks to my psychosis and have nightmares. I have put in for a career development loan to do my masters, but fully expect them to say no (I already have the place). I try my best, volunteer and do yoga once a week, but it's not good enough. I am worth less and not bringing my c.d.s.(7) up right. I have suicidal thoughts and visions of what I'd do to myself. My dd is going away on holiday and I think of using that time to end ny life. I'm in despair at not being able to get a job and feel that my life is over. Mental health issues have ruined my life and I'm not prepared to live with them anymore. I am deflated l, hurt and don't even expect any one to reply to this post. I feel as though I just mess everything up and I don't want t carry on with how things are. It's just too much.

scampbeast Thu 13-Aug-15 20:30:25

I want to be able to give you a big hug (someone needs to invent and app that does it properly)
As a long time sufferer of depression who is in a downer at the moment I can see where you are coming from. I lost 3 stone this year thinking being fat was one of my problems, but others just come along ant take the fats place.

I try hard to think of what life for my family would be like if I decided not to be here anymore and in between telling myself how better it would be I see the sadness it would cause my son for years to come - and that seems to be the thing that stops me.

Unexpected turn of events in this post now

My son (age 6)just saw me cry as I wrote this and when I tried to explain about feeling sad (depression) that I don't play with him enough or take him fancy places play events like his friends as we don't have much money - he told me fun things don't cost a lot like going for walks and feeding the ducks.
He said knows I get sad sometimes and when I do he gives me a hug and will ask if we can watch a film together (I didn't even realize that was what he was doing)
You may find that your family know and understand more than you thought. I was looking on the forums today to get a bit of support, and it was here with me just feet away.

Still want to send you loads of hugs.

Wombat22 Thu 13-Aug-15 20:38:12

I don't have any skills to be able to give you proper advice Never but I didn't want to not reply. I'm sure that you can't be worthless as you are capable of doing a Masters <I wish I was clever enough>
I'm sure your DC don't think you are worthless either. It must be terrible to feel that way but if you could hang on till your assessment, they may be able to offer you something to make you feel just a tiny bit better.
((hugs for you)) thanks

Wombat22 Thu 13-Aug-15 20:39:51

Do you have anyone in rl that you could talk to right now?

TheOnlyOliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 13-Aug-15 20:52:19

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on jo@samaritans.org.

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Sorry for hijacking your thread OP , and we really hope things start to look up for you soon.

Neverletmego27 Thu 13-Aug-15 20:54:15

That's nice of your son, scampbeast.
I don't have anyone I want to bother right now, wombat. I do have friends and the like but I don't want to bother them.

Neverletmego27 Thu 13-Aug-15 21:01:37

I'm supposed to be seeing a Dr on the 28th as I can feel my depression creeping back but I'm not sure what they can offer me as I'm alreAdy on the maximum dose of medication.

Wombat22 Fri 14-Aug-15 18:56:10

Hello Never
Sorry I had to depart last night.
How are you feeling today?

Neverletmego27 Fri 14-Aug-15 19:18:19

Hello Wombat

I am feeling really sad today. Saw a friend today and ended up talking about my ex (we both knew him). Feeling very tearful now.

Wombat22 Fri 14-Aug-15 19:34:26

Oh that's a shame. thanks Do you want to talk about it or have you had enough of that today?

Neverletmego27 Fri 14-Aug-15 20:08:35

I'm not sure what there is to talk about, it's all so complex. I just tried to phone the samartians. Didn't get very far before I hung the phone up crying sad

Wombat22 Fri 14-Aug-15 20:18:48

Did you actually speak to someone at Samaritans?
I believe that they are happy just to listen even if all you do is cry. For many people getting the tears out can be cathartic and a relief.

Why not ring again?

Wombat22 Fri 14-Aug-15 20:24:38

I don't know anything much about it, but I'm sure many, many people who contact the samaritans are upset and distressed. It won't be new to them

Neverletmego27 Fri 14-Aug-15 20:35:48

I did speak for a bit but then I found it difficult because I was crying. I have just ordered some food but will see how I feel after.

Wombat22 Fri 14-Aug-15 20:39:46

Ooh. What have you ordered? I fancy food now grin

Neverletmego27 Fri 14-Aug-15 21:36:05

grin ordered Indian food . Only ate half of it though. Couldn't be bothered to cook as its only me here, dd is staying with my friend but will be back tommorow.

Wombat22 Sat 15-Aug-15 11:50:58

I resisted a take away and went to bed. I hope your weekend isn't too overwhelming for you. Be kind to yourself thanks

Neverletmego27 Sat 15-Aug-15 20:36:22

I'm very tired and have been really battling suicidal feelings today :/

Wombat22 Sun 16-Aug-15 15:32:41

Hi Never
Are you feeling any better today?

Neverletmego27 Sun 16-Aug-15 19:26:35

HI smile Thanks for asking after me. I am feeling slightly better today. Have been out most of the day with my boyfriend and dd is at a friend's tonight because I'm volunteering tommorow. I am struggling with the rapid cycles of bpd. One moment I'll feel fine the next I'll be feeling suicidal and near tears. Just had to avoid self harming when shaving my legs in the bath blush. Finding things very hard still. Wish there were a way to solve these rapid cycles.

Wombat22 Mon 17-Aug-15 16:55:54

We seem to keep missing each other.
Well done on managing to avoid self harming. You should feel proud of yourself for that.
I'm sorry I can't give any real advice. sad
Have you told your boyfriend how low you are feeling? Maybe he can help to keep you safe thanks

Neverletmego27 Mon 17-Aug-15 21:21:51

I speak to my boyfriend sometimes, but he says things like "here for you always" without really getting into conversation about anything or helping me out. Sounds ungrateful but I think it sounds a bit empty- like a line he's been taught to say somewhere without looking for deeper meanings. I know that makes me sound like a bit of a bitch though. blush

Wombat22 Tue 18-Aug-15 17:56:20

You don't sound like a bitch at all. Maybe he just doesn't know what to say or do?
I had mild depression many years ago and my DH didn't have a clue and wanted to avoid talking about it. I don't want to generalise but I think a lot of male partners feel at a loss as to know what to say. It must be easier for them if we have a physical illness/injury that they can see.
I don't know what the answer is but I hope you are able to get some real help. thanks

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