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I know I'm being ridiculous .....

(6 Posts)
Henners1 Tue 11-Aug-15 09:10:53

Hi, last time i posted on here was 4yrs ago when I was pregnant with my son and it helped a bit so thought I'd give it another go. I had pre-natal depression with my son which was pretty horific, it lasted a month though and then lifted. When he was 5mths old I then started having panic attacks out of the blue. They got so bad that I could barely leave the house, what followed on from that was a year of trying out different medications and counselling, it's never got 100% better but it settled down enough for me to get on with my life.

When I found out I was pregnant I came off all of my medication as nobody was sure the effects it would have. I'm 32wks pregnant and have generally been ok, until recently. Some of the weird scary thoughts I had in the first pregnancy have returned (I won't go into detail). What is really worrying me though are the new thoughts I'm having. At my 20wk scan I found out I was having another boy and I've started to feel sad about the fact that I will never experience having a girl (I'm one of three girls). A lot of my friends have boys and are on their second children and have found out they are having girls, it doesn't help with people making comments like ' oh don't they have the perfect family now', is my family not perfect because I will have 2 boys? I'm worried that I won't love this child because it's a boy. I know it's completely irrational and makes me sound like a terrible person, especially as we had to go through quite a lot to get pregnant in the first place. I also feel guilty because I know my family were all hoping for a girl., they didn't make a secret of this. I can't talk to my husband about it in case he thinks I'm a terrible person. I know there are plenty of people out there who can't even have children but I can't stop the thoughts running through my head and it's driving me mad!

Sorry for waffling on, just needed to get it out.

X

Summerdays2014 Tue 11-Aug-15 09:33:34

Hi henners,

I know exactly how you feel. I am 17 weeks pregnant and was on anti depressants until 12 weeks when I slowly came off them. I was feeling fine until I had a private gender scan on Saturday and found out it was a boy. I truly never realised how upset I would be, but have been in tears ever since. I just don't like the idea of having a boy, I don't know what I will do with it and worry about how I will relate to it/love it. I never thought I would feel this way and it's such a shock. I've talked to my husband who has been supportive but my feelings have upset him and he is worried about how I'll cope when the baby comes. I don't know if the depression has come back or its just the shock and I'll get over it but right now I feel as though I would rather not be pregnant. I know this makes me a horrible person. Don't know who to talk to or whether to go back on anti depressants... Sorry this has been all about me, but you are not alone op.

Henners1 Tue 11-Aug-15 18:47:54

Hi, im reasoning with myself that its just all of these Hormones and my history with mental health that is making me feel that way, I actually feel a bit better about things this afternoon and know I will have good days and bad days until the baby is here.

If it's any consolation my little boy is the most amazing, wonderful, funny, loving, kind little person that you could ever hope to meet and I wouldn't change him for the world. I think i'd be OK if my friends were perhaps having boys aswell, think I just feel a bit left out that I wont get to experience what it's like to have a girl.

Think it might be worth you talking to your doctor, there is some medication that you can take in pregnancy that is Ok (my sister took it throughout hers). There is also some counselling you can have on the NHS, because of my pre-natal depression the last time my midwife automatically arranged it for me this time just in case. Everything will be Ok, I know it's hard to believe that but i know how quickly this can engulf you and how quickly it can just as easily disappear - that's what's getting me through anyway x

thisisnow Tue 11-Aug-15 19:27:31

I hope you are okay Henners, my Mum had 3 boys before she had me- she was desperate for a girl but I turned out to be a tom boy! My brothers have got a great relationship which I always envied. Hopefully your boys will have the same kind of relationship. Antenatal depression is really hard and tests your mental strength at a time when your hormones are all over the place too - it sucks!

Henners1 Wed 12-Aug-15 15:08:10

Thanks for that 'this is now'. I'm hoping it is just my hormones and a combination of just having moved house, I have nothing ready for the baby and i'm finishing work tomorrow. I had a mini breakdown this morning before work because our boiler broke, I was stood in the freezing cold shower sobbing.

It makes me feel like the worst mother in the world and i'm obsessed at the moment with looking at girl babies when i'm out and convincing myself that I dont really want one and that boy babies are lovely - crazy behaviour. I feel like ive let everyone down by having a boy when I should just be grateful that I can have children at all. I'm sure that this funny mood will lift soon. I am going to see my friends new girl baby tonight though and not sure how that will make me feel. It's hard work being pregnant, both mentally and physically x

NanaNina Wed 12-Aug-15 19:46:38

Once you are holding your baby boy Henners I think you will lose all thoughts of a girl baby. I wanted girls both times but it wasn't to be, but once my boys were born, I like most mothers fell in love with them. I think the fact that you and summerdays have suffered from ante natal depression must be a factor in your disappointment about the gender of the baby.

And I have 2 wonderful grand-daughters so all is not lost, and I love my sons with the same passion as when they were first born, and you will too.

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