Bi-polar Mother + Very fussy prem baby = disaster please help

[eenysugarplumfairy]

Hi all,

I am bi-polar and have been diagnosed with PND. I'm on a mood stabiliser and an AD... baby is 14 weeks old but more like a 10 week old as he was prem. This is relevant!

I am really struggling. I love him more than anything. But its like there are 2 of me. One of me is this perfect loving mother and the other has terrible thoughts which I dont even want to write down let alone say. Suffice it to say my baby deserves the good mother, not the bad.

My mother was very abusive growing up and I know the devastating impact it has on a child and I never want to do that to my son. Its just so hard for me. He is a difficult baby in many ways - he was prem, had some problems in the beginning, developed terrible colic. He's coming out of that now but he still moans and cries an awful lot. I try to always be cheerful for him but its hard. Sometimes it feels like being a carer for a really grumpy person while I am ill.

I was just wondering if there were any other bi-polar Mums out there who had similar experiences, and how you got through it. I work very very hard to be a great Mum. Its hard when my friends babies who are the same age are all smiley etc. and mine is still pretty grouchy - because he actually isnt their age IYKWIM. He is really the age that would match his due date not his birth date.

Thanks for any help, I am at my wits end.

[flimflam]

Sorry I don't have experience of bi-polar but what you are saying sounds familiar. My little one cried a lot and I didn't really feel like I got any positive feedback from him until around 5 or 6 months. He is a very smiley, chatty and happy 2 year old now. I always knew I loved him, but when he screamed from the time DH went to work until he zonked out on my breast at about 5pm, I did find it hard. Fortunately (or unfortunately) the baby days are all too few and they grow up very quick - as does your relationship with each other.

[poppynic]

Hi eenysugarplumfairy. This is obviously a really difficult situation for you. My dp is bipolar and he could not cope without getting a full night's sleep. Can your partner do night duty?

My friend had very bad pnd with her second baby. The only way she got through was by her mother coming around every day and helping her. She also got help through her midwife who arranged for a pyschologist to come to her house regularly to talk through issues with her.

I think you need to be brave to ask for as much help as you can get at the moment - it's true what everyone tells you -that things will get easier. Maybe you should give yourself a bit of a break and stop working so hard to be a great Mum - good enough will do for now.

[Overrunnerbean]

Hi eenysugarplumfairy. You really have a lot to contend with, and my sympathy goes out to you.
I take it that you are getting professional help, if you are on all that medication. Do you feel that it is helping to keep things under control?
I imagine that you might be frightened of letting people know how you feel for fear of professionals becoming concerned for your baby. In terms of the thoughts that you are having, are these fleeting thoughts of wishing your baby would be different, or go away or be quiet. Or do you think about harming him in any way? If you do,, then how often do you have these thoughts?
Whatever the case, make sure you get support other than just medicinal. You don't mention family except to say that your mother was abusive. What about a partner?
Don't put yourself under pressure to be a great mum, but just a good mum, iyswim
Lastly I think your idea of linking up with other mums with bi polar is a good one. have you contacted the MD society? What about seeing if there is an online support group for women in this situation. If not, would you be able to set one up yourself?
Hope you get lots of support from this thread anyway.

[eenysugarplumfairy]

Hi, thanks for replying. I am waiting now to find out if I can increase my meds... should find out around 6 tonight.

My DH actually does all night duty as I really can not cope with it at all and its very important that during the day when I Am alone with Alex I am not sleep deprived. I dont have any family around me at all... I am not English, my husband is though.

Overrunnerbean - the thoughts I have I could only tell my DH. Only he knows how much I love my baby and dont want to hurt him. But yes I do have thoughts of hurting him sometimes and I hate myself for it. I want to be the perfect Mum I try to be... I dont want these problems but burying my head in the sand doesnt seem to be helping. I dont know of any on line support groups for bi-polar but I would love to... wonder how I could find them?

[eenysugarplumfairy]

BUMP

[dandycandyjellybean]

although strictly not bipolar, i suffer with severe depression that has bp tendencies. Please feel reassured that every day till my ds was about 4 months old i could happily have opened my front door and given him to any passing stranger and sometimes the urge to just chuck him into his cot and go away was almost overwhelming. my dh is disabled and so i have him to look after too, and it was only through the help and support of my lovely mil that i battled through. Now though, my ds is 13 months and i love him to bits, and although am still struggling with terrible depression, i am coping with him well, and i love him like i never thought i would and very, very rarely have any negative thoughts about him now he is the sunshine in my life. hang in there, things will get better.

[Overrunnerbean]

Hi eenysugarplumfairy. I have joined a msn group for twins and one for traumatic births, so you never know until you look.
It sounds as if you are doing all that you can, and with time looking after your son will become somthing that you feel more confident about. I am really pleased to hear how involved that your dh is, as you having support obviously lightens the load and decreases the risk of anything going wrong.
If you can't find one on bi polar mums, I am sure there will be plenty on premature babies.

[bovvered]

Hi there, my ds was prem (30+5) babycentre.co.uk has some really good places to go and chat would highly recommend. Things are tougher with a preemie, suffered with pnd after my dd and after ds felt detached for a long time - can't help feeling like you've failed before you had a chance with a prem baby. Although may not feel like it now you have got thru the hardest bits, as they get bigger and stronger and more independent life will get better, give yourself some time and try not to be too hard on yourself
In the meantime have a look on born to soon ay babycentre sure you will find some help there.

Good luck.

[eenysugarplumfairy]

thanks bovvered, overrunnerbean and cubby for your replies. Bovvered you are right everything is a little harder with a prem - mine wasnt as early as yours but still for me his 'newborn' stage has been extended so its taking a lot longer to get to the bit where they smile at you back etc.

I'm going to look at the places you all mentioned for support groups. Thanks!

[Jaynerae]

eenysugarplumfairy - Neither of my DC were prem and I do not have BiPolar - but I do know how hard those first few months are, by DD cried 20 out of 24 hours until she was 15 weeks and my DH was on nights - (she is 3 now - and still a challenge! but in the normal 3 year old toddler way) What I am trying to say is - I know how you feel - beening so tired and baby never being happy is so hard at the best of times - but added to that the Bi-polar and the baby being prem - well I just wanted you to know I feel for you. I have no advice to offer except just take one step at a time - don't try and be supermum - none of us are, just take it slowly - forget the housework and everything else, just concentrate on you and baby. My cousin has Bi-polar so I understand a little of that and my friend had baby at 24 weeks - so understand about Prem.

Just take care - lots of hugs to you.

[shrub]

have you thought of cranial osteopathy for your ds or a sling might really help

[shrub]

another thought is mindfulness based cognitive threrapy or mbct for short, i've just been posting about this on another thread.
take care x

[eenysugarplumfairy]

I have a sling I use for my son all the time, he loves it. I took him to a cranial osteopath once but I couldnt afford any more at £35 a session.

Thanks for your sympathy and support. I am trying to take each day as it comes and just love my son. My meds have been doubled so hopefully they will start helping more.