Why has it taken me 30 years to realise

[mammabear31]

That this way of thinking about myself just isn't right?

I've always had self-esteem issues. Hidden behind false confidence, happy to take the easy way out of everything and believing that people don't really like me; that I'm tolerated.

I attended a family function on Tuesday and it's brought a huge load of feelings rushing back to me. And its made me realise that actually, this isn't okay. I've been listing things and just reading it back makes me want to cry that I don't know my way out of this.

Always think they are in the way, or not wanted at social or family occasions ? invited out of necessity and talked to out of politeness
Genuinely believes that they are good at nothing ? vaguely good at many things, but no one thing
Always thinks the worst of themselves, and believes that others think those things too
Always believes that people wonder why they are there; that they don?t fit in, constantly being judged about appearance and personality
Always worrying about conversations or passing comments ? over thinking every single detail, worrying they have said the wrong thing or offended someone
Believes people are friends with them out of pity; waiting to drop them when the time is right - no real friends to speak of
Believes that family despair of them, and wonders why they aren't a "better" person
Believes that their own child prefers other people to their own mother
Thinks their husband wishes he had married someone better with money/more successful/fitter/healthier/prettier/better at life in general
Believes that no one needs them. No-one ever wants to spend time with them or even talk to them. So why bother.


I need to add that nobody in my family is toxic, narccistic or anything else. My husband is the most amazing man in the world and whilst he isn't perfect; he's never been cruel or abusive to me or our child. Neither have my parents or my siblings. I have no idea where this all stems from or why I feel the way I do but I know it's an ingrained thing that maybe I think I can "recover" from, but then something happens that drags me down and it all comes back. How the hell to I move on from all of this??

[NotAJammyDodger]

That's quite a list that you have come up with!

You say that you have always had self esteem issues and its ingrained. It might be beneficial to see a therapist as you have felt like this for a long time, and self help books may be hard to 'buy into'. You might be able to access therapies via your GP on the NHS, or you could access privately / self funding.

Couple of links......

Different types of therapy - a U.S. Site but page has lots of info and links
psychcentral.com/psychotherapy/


BACP Find a Therapist - Finding the right therapist - what the qualifications mean
//www.bacp.co.uk/seeking_therapist/right_therapist.php

Counselling Directory - Find a Counsellor Near You
//www.counselling-directory.org.uk/

[Mammabear31]

Thank you for your reply. I have looked at private therapists this afternoon but I need to talk to DH about it first, he has no idea I feel this way. I'm sat here looking at him; thinking I need to just say it but I'm scared he's going to say I'm stupid.

[PeppaWellington]

Mammabear31 I just wanted to say I could have written much of your OP. I think the exact same way about myself. Sympathies.

[NotAJammyDodger]

mamabear you are so not stupid, and I'm sure DH will not think this!
You've been suffering for 30 years.
You are courageous to want to talk to a therapist.
Well done you for considering this option to get some much needed support.

[Mammabear31]

Thank you. I am resolved to talk to DH tonight - infact I might just print of this post and give it to him to read. I feel better about things today; but know that it won't take much for it to come back.

[fruitandnutlover]

I feel just the same way as you do (and could have written most of what you have listed) it is a constant daily battle, I go to bed drained most nights because of it - you are not alone.

[Mammabear31]

I told DH on Saturday night. He was supportive and talked through things with me.

It hasn't been mentioned since.