Struggling so very much

[anxious123]

Hi all

In 2013 I was raped at the hands of my now ex partner. Although it didn't occur to me at the time, this assault conceived a child. A beautiful child that I have now lost forever. I've had arguments with depression before but this has triggered something much deeper. Deeper than I'd ever dare to admit to in real life. I lay awake and cry into my dog (who bless his soul is a star and what gets me out of bed) each night, probably a mixture of grief for what was once a loving relationship, and the loss of my son. It's not even purely emotional anymore. It's physical. I ache. My shoulders are heavy.

I genuinely don't feel like I have anything in the world left. I'm just so lost, so scared, so anxious, so angry, so many emotions that i know I just can't hide anymore. I paint a smile on my face each day but the tears are more and more frequent and the anxiety hits me in the face seemingly constantly.

I don't know where else I can turn, I don't expect answers, I just needed to talk. To get it out there that I'm not coping.

[slightlybonkers]

Have you got anyone to talk with in RL? You've been through an absolutely horrific trauma. Has your ex-partner been brought to justice?

[FeedYourselfSmiles]

I'm so sorry you're struggling. I've followed your posts and think you are so amazing and so brave. I think the SW who was with you through the adoption process has left but are you in still in touch with any SW who could refer you to somewhere that can support you? Unmumsnetty hugs x