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Abandoned by family in third trimester

(7 Posts)
birdybird123 Wed 24-Jun-15 19:50:08

Hi everyone
Just need to talk please. I'm 37 weeks pregnant and since 30 weeks my family have had nothing to do with me. I've tried reaching out to my parents but getting a lot of hostility.

For background - my brother is awaiting an awful, life-threatening operation and we're all very stressed and upset about it.

Around the time my brother found out he was ill, my sister, who is bipolar/ borderline, became really abusive towards me. It's not the first time, she does it every few months, but this is the worst ever.

She has accused me of being jealous of my brother's illness, she's referred to my son and unborn baby as "f'ing child and f'ing baby", of timing my pregnancy to somehow correspond with my brother's illness being discovered in my third trimester.

I've tried to talk to my parents but am getting the cold shoulder. They said as soon as we found out about my brother that they had no time for me and my family, which is understandable as my brother is facing something so hard.

She has tried to lie to my husband too but thankfully he wouldn't stand for it. When I had my son 5 years ago, my mum, dad and in-laws all turned up at hospital during my labour (uninvited) which I found incredibly stressful. A while ago I begged them not to do it again with this forthcoming labour, and explained that it made me feel under pressure to 'perform' and the midwives advised it could be the reason my contractions stopped once my son was in the birth canal. (My parents maintain they had every right to turn up as they are the grandparents - in my view they should have waited til the baby was born or to be invited to the hospital - AIBU?)

My sister has twisted this into me accusing my parents of almost causing my/ my son's death by turning up at hospital. So it's no wonder my parents are being hostile, I keep trying to talk but they always believe her - I suspect this is out of fear as I'm (reasonably) sane but my sister would really make them suffer (suicide attempts etc) if they were to say they believe me.

I feel so down and unsupported in this pregnancy. I don't know why my sister would want me alienated from the family, particularly now. I don't know if it's jealousy - she ran up huge debts and lost her house, lost her job due to poor attendance, has very few friends, no partner, no kids. It had never occurred to me til now that she might be jealous - but something from when I was pregnant 5 years ago with my son has come back to me: we were in a restaurant just the 2 of us and she was texting. I was having weird pains and asked her to chat to me to calm me down/ take my mind off the pains. She screamed "don't have a f'ing miscarriage on my account' and ran out of the restaurant, leaving me sitting on my own with tears streaming down my face.

What can I do? How can I make it stop? I have considered all sorts of things, do I tape her when she's ranting?

I just want to see my brother safely through his op and get my baby born safely. I can't go and visit my parents as my sister now lives there. She's spending all her time with my brother so I can't see him either. I don't want to tell him about all this as he has enough on his plate, but suspect she'll have told him a similar pack of lies. Help please?!

gamerchick Wed 24-Jun-15 19:55:00

I think personally I would take them at their word and stop contact. Concentrate on my own family type of thing.

It doesn't seem like you get much out of being a member of your family aside from stress.

Angie611 Wed 24-Jun-15 19:59:36

The things you need to concentrate on first and foremost is you and your baby. Don't risk your or your baby's health by getting upset and anxious over this vile person, she sounds like a nasty piece of work. To be honest your parents don't sound much better. So if I were you I would try and put them out of your mind until the baby is safely born.

Gdydgkyk Wed 24-Jun-15 20:02:53

With your brother can you just text him nice messages and phone him to catch up. Send little gifts in the post (things he likes to eat or a good book or what ever). Make your brother feel secure and loved.

With mum and sister can you lower your expectations and contact so that you have more space.

Elllimam Wed 24-Jun-15 20:17:09

I agree I would back off completely and just keep in contact with your brother.

NotAJammyDodger Thu 25-Jun-15 12:04:20

You are in control of who you choose to see and be in contact with. It may not feel like it right now because you are hurt by the way others are behaving, and you feel 'the need' to justify your position (e.g. taping your sister's rants so parents can see what she's like). You don't have to justify anything.

If the rest of your family want to be a part of your family's life they need to make an effort and its up to you whether you allow that. And, you don't need to make a binding, lifelong decision on contact with them right now. For now, if they are upsetting you, stay distant. You can always review and reassess that decision later on.

Your hormones are raging and you are about to bring a new life into the world. Focus on you and your family and enjoy.

birdybird123 Fri 26-Jun-15 07:48:05

Thanks so much everyone, I really appreciate your thoughts. You're all right, there is no point trying to prove my innocence - it's just exhausting and frustrating! Thank you xx

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