Does anyone else feel totally normal and reasonably happy... until you start to think about killing yourself.

[nobodyknows0]

Hi mumsnetters I'd just like to put out my darkest secret on here.. for a number of reasons, maybe others feel the same? maybe someone could be bored and mildly interested but mainly because I'd like to let it out somewhere. I'm not expecting replies, don't feel rude to read and run i just want to tell "someone" but have no one i can speak to at home.

I have had depression a couple of times before, but i don't feel depressed. I even had my 6 week postnatal check the other day and passed the depression questionnairre with full marks, yet yesterday i spent 20minutes crying in the bath thinking about overdosing in my favourite childhood field.

Here is another recent example. Me and DP took our DC to the national space centre which we were looking forward to, I was very keen and we were having a lovely time. Then whilst at the highest floor i went to the railing, curious to see how high we were. As I looked down I noticed the large framework bars, and wondered what it would feel like to hit them as I fell down and where exactly i would end up.

Or when we went to visit a good friend for a bbq and mid chatty conversation I began to think about who would care and how much if i were to be gone.

I can't tell a dr as I don't want intervention from mental health, i don't want medication as 90% of the time i am fine and I couldn't bear to lose my kids, the disappointment of DP or hospitals.. anything. But i don't know why I keep having these severe suicidal episodes which last around half an hour or less.

Triggers have been different things, from letting myself down with eating to getting anxious about going out with baby.. i usually get anxious then start to get a negative cycle of thoughts and begin to hate myself.. this then progresses to wanting to kill myself.

Last night was definitely the worst.. had a silly argument with DP and he said some hurtful things.. so yeah that's it really!

[madmomma]

They're called intrusive/morbid thoughts and they're part of a depression-type condition. If you post this in mental health someone will be able to help better than here I think. Please don't feel that you have to live like this. You can have a really wonderful quality of life on an antidepressant. Antidepressant drugs turn peoples lives around and are so very sophisticated nowadays that after the initial few weeks you don't feel like you're on anything. Your gp won't bat an eye if you tell him/her what you've put here. They see this everyday. . Please get yourself a better quality of life. xx

[QuiteLikely5]

I think it's called suicidal ideation.

[ROARmeow]

I came on to say the same as the previous posters.

I have this - have had it for about 20 years (!) - sometimes more often, sometimes infrequently.

My GP said it was quite common, only a problem if you think that you would be better off dead, or if you are planning harm.

In my case, it was very bad for a few years following the birth of DC2 and my PND. Got very bad and I did try to hurt myself, though nothing that would in any way be fatal.

GP gave me beta-blockers to help with the anxiety, and it helped a bit.

Do you have support in RL? Close family/friends? I found close friends to be invaluable when my head was falling apart.

You're not a freak, the human brain is a tricky thing.

[YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet]

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

[WinterOfOurDiscountTents15]

You might not want intervention, but you need it. After my 2nd child was born, I was just like you. And it got worse and worse until I was borderline psychotic and was a danger to myself and others.
Medication worked very well for me and I recovered, and have not had any reoccurance in the last decade.

You NEED to talk to your doctor at the very least. You know that this is not normal, and it isn't just going to go away on its own.

[ImperialBlether]

Ironically, the only time I've felt like this was when I was on Prozac. There's an increased risk of suicide in the very early days of taking that drug and I'd heard about it before experiencing it. I've known others to take it and not suffer from that, though.

[fleamadonna]

I can't stand outside on the deck during ferry crossings. I don't WANT to jump, but I'm overcome by a really intense feeling that I COULD.

was the worst when crossing from Scotland to orkney with 4 week old ds. shiver

[sebsmummy1]

I've also felt like this for about 20 years. I have it under control most of the time but during acute stress is definitely becomes a prominent daily thought. I find it a comfort would you believe!!! It's my get out clause for when things build up and I feel like life is unbearable. I will fantasise about not being here anymore in the same way others might about a lottery win. I also fantasise about getting a terminal illness and disappearing.

I'm not saying it's normal btw, I know it's not. I just wanted to say you're not on your own.

[SevTSnape]

I'm glad you have found it in yourself to tell someone, "even" on the internet. Sometimes just writing it down knowing someone can read it is a massive help ime.
There is no need to worry about seeing your GP, and if you don't want to go on medication, he/she will suggest alternatives for you. Also, being on medication does not mean you will lose your kids. My mum's been on anti-depressants for as long as I can remember, and I still had a wonderful childhood for the most part. My mum was open about what they were for, even when I didn't understand. But when I myself became depressed, I recognised it (eventually) and sought help, which I don't think I would've done if I'd not known about my mum's issues.
And it also meant I didn't feel so alone, because if nothing else, I could talk to my mum about it.
If you ignore it however, it could manifest into something that may mean losing your children. This is a worst case scenario though. Mental health issues do not mean losing your children at all.
Book an appointment with your GP, explain everything you've said here, and he/she WILL help you.

[TheoriginalLEM]

I think these thoughts are quite common. I have a fear of heights for this reason. It is heightened during periods of anxiety.

I have no desire to jump in front of a train but there have been several suicides in my area like this. I have pictured the whole sequence in my head and its terrifying. I can't use railway crossings and have to look away when a train comes into the station. Ironic really as i love travelling by train as i associate it with my dad and my childhood.

I also get urges to thump perfectly lovely people when im talking to them.

The thoughts are pants but many people get them i think its a protection thing.

Intervention doesn't need to be drugs but maybe a course of cbt would help you to manage your thought processes so that these thoughts no longer plague you.

[nobodyknows0]

thanks for your replies it did start after my son was born but i thought i'd got on top of it as i don't recognise it as depression it is just like an episodes thing although i do feel like i could do it..

I really feel like i can't speak to a gp as i can't let my dp or family find out and i'm breastfeeding as well so worried about medication, don't have anyone i could speak to family is no go and no proper friends so.. on my own really.

it's comforting to see other people feel like this too and have managed it, i don't want to leave my children but part of me does feel if this is a long term thing it would be better for me to be gone now while they're young as it would be less painful for them

[WinterOfOurDiscountTents15]

You HAVE to speak to your GP. You're less than 2 months post natal, you realise that this is about as vulnerable mentally as you are ever going to be? I'm not sure people who are telling you its common enough have picked up on that important fact. There are chemical imbalances that can make you, in a nutshell, batshit crazy.

Why can;t you let your DP find out? He's in the best position to help you. There are meds you can take while breastfeeding as well, I did.

Yes, it might be just a few episodes of morbid thoughts and idle speculation. Are you going to risk it though? Are you going to wait and see if you actually try to hurt yourself? What about if you start to think about taking the baby with you, or your other children?

I'm not trying to frighten you. But the worst thing you could possibly do is keep this totally hidden from everyone and do nothing about it. If you get worse, and you might, you will lose the ability to know if you can handle these thoughts without acting on them. Please don't risk it.

[nobodyknows0]

because i'll disappoint him and i don't trust him not to use it against me, or something very bad will happen. I'd never ever hurt my children or anyone else ever. i'm really sorry to let you down but the most i can do is consider it i can't see atm how i can speak to a gp i don't want mental health teams or intervention especially when an hour later i feel perfectly able to cope

[WinterOfOurDiscountTents15]

You're not letting me down, I'm just worried for you. There is no reason at all why speaking to your GP should trigger any kind of referral to further intervention. I never spoke to anyone but m own doctor.
It is worrying though that you think your husband might use this against you in some way. Is he generally unhelpful/unsympathetic?

Please consider talking anonymously to the Samaritans or similar. And please talk to your GP if the thoughts get any worse? For your children, of not for yourself.

[nobodyknows0]

maybe i'd be able to if it didn't get passed on, that's reassuring. We generally have a good relationship but i know he would use it against me if we had an argument, i'd be letting him down, he'd be annoyed if he had to take time off work, he'd probably cheat on me, and god forbid if we split up he'd say the kids weren't safe and get very nasty and try to get them taken off me. I did really want to speak to the samaritans last night but am unable to as i can't get time alone to do it.

[TheWintersmith]

HI OP. totally get where you are coming from with all of this, one thing I will say is that I have been to the GP a few times with MH problems and in each case (different doctor each time too, and different surgeries) I always was made to feel in COMPLETE control of how their response to me was progressed.

On each occasion when I spilled my guts on feeling suicidal, severe anxiety, severe PND or whatever it was THIS time they would ask me a few gentle questions to help then judge the severity, or do the standard quiz then they would ask

'What do YOU see happening ? How do YOU want this to go?'

Then they would talk me through the options, and help ME. Decide what I wanted.

A couple of times I just wanted to tell someone, and we took no further action. I have had medication a few times which was enormously helpful for propelling me through a particularly rough patch, and I have also referred myself for therapies, counselling and CBT at various points.

Hope you can get some help with this

[nobodyknows0]

thank you i'll have a think about it, i'm glad you found help x

[WinterOfOurDiscountTents15]

If nothing else, come back here if you have no-one else to talk too. I don't mean to try and scare you at all, but one thing to remember: while you think you would never harm your children (and hopefully yourself), and I'm sure you're correct in saying so, its easy to slip mentally just a tiny bit at a time, and increasingly bad thoughts seem not so irrational, and not so wrong, and not so far fetched.
If you think even for a second that this could be the case, please reach out in whatever direction you are comfortable with.

[honeyandfizz]

Not the same op but I was recently put on sertraline for anxiety by my gp. I didn't tell dh for a while as I didn't want his judgement. You don't have to tell anybody. Your the priority, please seek help your gp won't judge you at all x

[colouringinagain]

nobody I have the same thoughts. And when they are more frequent I realise life is too much, and usually that I am becoming depressed. Please take care esp so soon after having a baby x

[nobodyknows0]

thank you for your help and reassurance i really appreciate it x

[ROARmeow]

OP, your DP sounds like a bit of a fool. He'd be disappointed? He'd use it against you? He'd possibly cheat?

Sounds to me like you're feeling vulnerable and that he is a large part of that.

I agree with pp that 2-months post natal is a very tough time with lots of hormones and emotions flying around.

The best way to protect your children and to love them is to love and protect yourself.

[Branleuse]

its normal enough that if youre fine 90% of the time and youve never made any actual attempts, then its probably something to just live with. You can't medicate yourself out of a thought