Waiting for CPN

[dontrunwithscissors]

Don't feel the need to respond. I'm waiting for CPN and really upset. Just need somewhere to post to distract myself.

[dontrunwithscissors]

I hate this fucking waiting room. It's awkwrd. Sioence with people whispering. The CMHT has a weird smell. Feel so bloody weak to be back like this before. It just doeent end. Kids don't deserve this. They're lovely and I'm intectying them with my badness. I can smell rotting from myself. Evil. Does damage to your children warrant removing yourself? I'm being tortured.

[dontrunwithscissors]

Bet she'll be running late. Usually is. She squeezed me in today so don't know how long I'll wait. Trying to not act too crazy in the waiting room. Although if you can't h crazy here I don't know where you can.

[dontrunwithscissors]

Is it possible for this to actually be deep inside of me? Can it be intrinsic to you rather than bioooolgical? Pdoc says its biological but he can't feel this evil. You know how you feel don't yOu? So many questions and I'm trying to find the answers

[dontrunwithscissors]

When I hug my kids I just feel sadness. That so fucking wrong. They're little faces full of mischief and joy.

[dontrunwithscissors]

Hiding in the loo

[MagpieCursedTea]

I don't like those waiting rooms either. It's good for you and your kids that you're getting support. That's what you all deserve. Hope the appointment goes well. I know I'm just a stranger on the internet but I'm here to listen if you need it.

[dontrunwithscissors]

Thank you. It helps to be able to hide behind your hair and post in those places. I've got the crisis team for now with the option of hospital. God I'm so tired of doing this over and over.

[MagpieCursedTea]

It's very hard work. Hopefully you'll find the crisis team as helpful as I did!

[dontrunwithscissors]

Yes, unfortunately I know most of them from the many times I've been under them. Only five months since the last referral. They're generally good.

[NotAJammyDodger]

Hiding in the loo. I do that too. Your not bad or mad. Just need some support. Hope your appointment went ok.

[MagpieCursedTea]

I'm glad to hear they're generally good. Do you feel better for having a plan in place?

[dontrunwithscissors]

Not really. I just want to go. Another 24 hours feels like torture. But I promised my cpn so will try my hardest to wait and see.

[madeuplovesong44]

How are you feeling now dontrun? Sounds like you have had a really rotten day.

[dontrunwithscissors]

Thanks madeup, staring down the barrel of a long and sleepless night. Crisis team coming tomorrow. I'm just so tired.

[madeuplovesong44]

It's so relentless and exhausting coming through one episode only to be faced with another. Im my experience that is one of the most harrowing things about a mh condition. But, you know this horrific pain is temporary and you know you have the strength to come through the other side.

I really hope you have managed to get some rest tonight and that the crisis team are able to do something useful tomorrow. I will be thinking about you.

[MagpieCursedTea]

How are you feeling this morning dontrun? Hope things go well with the crisis team today!

[dontrunwithscissors]

Thanks. Woke up last night to hear a man calling my name. Terrified. Stopped this am.

[dontrunwithscissors]

[MagpieCursedTea]

Sounds exhausting
Have they been now?

[madeuplovesong44]

Hope they were helpful?

How are you feeling now?

[dontrunwithscissors]

They've been. Wanted me to go to hospital but have let me stay at home with DH. Feels excruciating.

[MagpieCursedTea]

Personally I prefer recovering from an episode at home to being in hospital. Being in familiar surroundings helps doesn't it?
Did you find their visit helpful?