Lonely

[Funky2603]

I am surrounded by people who love me and care about me but I feel so alone. I have a husband who loves me, a daughter who is beautiful and a real treasure 95% of the time, a supportive family and good friends. So what is the problem? My problem is that I can't speak openly to anyone of them. I tell some people some things and others other bits but am never able to just off load. I don't know why I am even writing here, because I know I won't fully open up either and am just setting myself up for a fall but I feel so lost I thought I would just give it a try. I have suffered from depression on and off for years and was diagnosed with post traumatic stress following the birth of my daughter and post natal depression as well. My doctor is supportive and has been offering me ADs and counselling since my six week check but I have declined. I didn't want the AD's as when I have previously had them, they cut off all my emotions and I was so besotted with my daughter who brought joy into my life every day, I didn't want to lose those moments of joy in order to lose the endless hours of despair. I don't want counselling as it is so draining. I have had it before and found it useful but it takes so long to make any kind of progress and it involves regular perging of your soul which requires far more energy than I am able to give now. I hate who I am. I disgust myself at my weakness, lack of will power and general patheticness. I wish I had the will/energy to sort myself out but it takes all my will/energy just to get up, get dressed and get on with day to day things. For the first six months or so after the birth, I rarely managed to get dressed each day, so feel I have progressed a lot since then but am so far behind with everything that I will never catch up...I could go on forever typing but am going to stop as I don't feel better for off loading and I just keep wanting to apologise for wasting your time.

[QuootieHamsterInMyPie]

oh ((hugs))

I cant do councilling because I find it so draining aswell, but I found ADs great. Why wont you try them? I didnt dress for ages after having DS , much less get on and do things... its taken me years to get to where I am now. You will catch up hun, you probably do far more than you think day to day ((hugs))

[QuootieHamsterInMyPie]

Did you tell the GP how the last ADs made you feel? You could try other types, that work in different ways...

[QuootieHamsterInMyPie]

and your NOT wasting anyones time hun xxx

[foundintranslation]

Oh Funky. I fear I can't say anything constructive, as I'm tired and have just had a glass of wine and can't think entirely straight. But I didn't want to leave this unanswered.

I have never suffered from depression, but I know a thing or two about anxiety and self-loathing - which is why I want to say to you now that you are not wasting anyone's time, you are not weak (it takes, for one, a great deal of strength and courage to come here and admit what you have admitted to us) and not pathetic. Thank you for posting - allowing us to share in what you feel and taking an important step towards helping yourself. You can come out the other side of this, however hopeless things feel now.

Maybe the previous ADs were wrong for you? This might be something to talk to your GP about. I don't have any experience of ADs, but modern ADs, as far as I know, don't have to dull your positive emotions.
If you don't like the idea of long counselling, maybe CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) would be for you - it concentrates on the here and now rather than the past and on recognising and empowering to change negative thought patterns rather than 'soul-purging' (tbh I suspect your counsellor, rather than counselling per se, was not ideal).

I hope, I really hope this helps (and that someone better able to help than I will come along). You are not alone.

[Funky2603]

Thank you for your hugs! When I have spoken to the GP about ADs and their effects on me he always says that ADs used to be like that but modern ones are better. I am never able to tell him that I was only on them (most recently) four or five years ago, so can't imagine that they would be that different. Also, part of me feels that this is who I am, that the ADs will make me into something that I am not. And the fact that I hate who I am and want to be someone else does not seem to help! I hate that idea that everyone sees me as being broken and that they all feel I need to be 'fixed' it feels like a constant put down. When I took ADs last time it was following my Dad's death and I needed to feel nothing and it really helped. I feel that if I lost the emotions now I would just walk out the door or worse and I don't want that. If I stay off the ADs at least the joyful moments will keep me here through all the awful ones.

[QuootieHamsterInMyPie]

ADs have come on alot in 5 years... I found they didnt change me, they corrected all my imbalances and made me me again... You can get ones that "numb" you, but others that just adjust you back to yourself again... I know what you mean about maybe not wanting to give in? Honestly, you should think about giving them a go... even for a month or two - you have nothing to lose...

[foundintranslation]

Who sees you as being broken? Who has told you that?
FWIW you don't sound very broken to me - worn down and suffering, yes, but not broken.
What do you feel you are behind with - stuff in the house, experience with your daughter, relationship issues?

I would still recommend talking to your GP again about your difficulties with ADs. Tell him your experience of newer ADs and whether he can recommend a different type. I would also ask for an urgent referral for CBT.

[foundintranslation]

Funky, I'm off now, but I shall check this tomorrow. Good night - sleep well if you can.

[Funky2603]

foundintranslation - thank you for the support and understanding. I don't think I will continue with this. I don't know what to say really. I might go back to the GP and talk about ADs again but I think I am in a catch 22. I thought I would try out mumsnet after hearing great things about it on the radio and you have come through for me, and not crushed my hopes of what it would be like. I just don't feel I can be open enough yet to benefit from the help on offer from the people on here. I am sorry but will end this thread now. Thank you for taking the time to answer my moan.

[Ludgie]

Funky, I haven't been on this thread before and only found it because I am suffering myself. I feel the same about ADs and councelling and don't really feel that I have enough energy to go down the route of help.

I can't tell anyone the full extent of how I am feeling because that woyld mean I would have to admit it to myself.

Having been living with depression for some years now I know that we will both get through it and that these things have a natural life span. There will be a point when we will say 'right thats it!!!' and we will be able to tackle it head on. For the time being though I think we can just try our best from where we are and smile at every opportunity. Even the little things can help a bit.

You're not alone even though it may feel like it and you will only be able to get help when you're ready to accept it. It's a hard battle but not an impossible one. If you need to chat just let me know and we can wallow/ moan/ complain/ or just try to boost each other as best we can. Good luck

[HazelnutHazelnutsTree]

Funky2603 (((((( HUGS)))))) to you for starters.

You might have lost your emotions the last time you tried ADs b/c you wanted too b/c of your Dad`s death. I know why my Gran died I did not want to feel anything, Happy was sure out! Sad, angry, upset, I did not want to feel anything at all. I was a Zombie for weeks.
I am on a sort of ADs for my ME. more for the pain that I get from it. Pain = Depression and Depression = more Pain At first I did not think they worked at all b/c I still had lots of pain. I tried to come off of them and the pain got really bad with just cutting down what amount I was taking! So they are working for the pain I get.

Do you hurt/ache feel very stiff first thing?

If you do then it could be that you mught have CFS (New name for ME) If you have tender points. Joints etc that hurt. Then you could have Fibromyalgia. That another form of CFS.

I say this b/c all the signs that you have told us about you feeling depressed are also signs in these too. You have said that you cant see why as you have very loving family/friends etc.

With CFS and Fibromyalgia you can feel like you have no go in you, feeling down, not wanting to start the day, not liking yourself etc.

So if you do hurt/ache and or tender points it might be worth talking to your GP about these too.

I know when I first had ME I felt just like you do now. I thought the pain and aching was from being tired and over doing things, and my painful joints was b/c I had hurt them by knocking them from being tired. The only bit I had right was the over doing things. With ME, CFS and Fibromyalgia you have to change the way you live your life and not try and do so much and have rest times between doing things.

It might be worth looking into if you do ache etc. If you have one of these things, then with help and meds and an understanding of it, can and will make life so much better for you and you wont feel so low and down about yourself all the time.

The other bit to me feeling so low was a shite xp1 but you dont have one of them

[HazelnutHazelnutsTree]

Funky2603 You have not wasted our time. its what MN is all about, moan all you want, we all do at some point. I felt the same as you do now when I frist come to MN. Once you get to know some people on here then you will feel better about talking to us. We can and do help each other. Some times it good to come on here and have a good moan and rant. Other times it great when you can say how good thing are going. and sometimes you too can help other out with things that you know.

Please come back when you feel up to it. Soon we hope. I have found MN very good and I wish I had known about much before I did.

Good luck to you and loads of ((((((HUGS)))))

[QuootieHamsterInMyPie]

Just a quickie - hope your feeling OK today ((hugs)) xxx

[HazelnutHazelnutsTree]

Funky2603 I hope you are feeling better today.

(((((Hugs)))))

[wheelsanddollbaby]

Hi, you do not need to apologise for wasting anyone's time. I know exactly what you mean about AD's cutting off your emotions. Have you tried writing down the things that are on your mind? You don't need to show it to anyone but it may help you to feel like you are letting some of your emotions out. I think MN's is also a good place to start as it still allows you to keep your anonymity. How old is your dd? The first few years after your child has been born is VERY challenging. I am going to start taking AD's again for a short time, as I need some help to get me over the first hurdle. Maybe you should try counselling again,if you have found positive effects before, then perhaps it is worth feeling a bit drained for a while if long term it is worth it.

[Funky2603]

Hello all. Thank you for popping in to check on me. I have been reading around the site and can see a bit more how good it is to chat. Am feeling a bit better today and am obviously hooked as I have dropped back a few times since saying I wouldn't. I am not up for big emotional outpourings, but will come by every so often and read up and find my way around. Thanks to all for making me feel so welcome.

[Funky2603]

Me again...it is all too much! Everything is just piling on top of me and I am sinking further and further down. We have been trying to move for 9 months, our house looks like a bomb has hit it with half packed boxes everwhere, a huge pile of ironing, papers, toys, washing up, laundry....I have volunteered to become a school governor so I can learn all about the education system and I am just being swamped with paper and meetings and I am so far behind with the reading that I keep missing meetings as they don't tell you the times, they are all documented in the minutes. I am trying to reclaim my bank charges (see www.consumeractiongroup.co.uk and www.moneysavingexpert.com for how to do this) and it is so complicated but so worth it as I could get back about £2000 or more if I stick with it...I am so depressed, feel so rubish about myself , feel so guilty about my dd as I am always late for things and rushing her and I hardly ever really play with her anymore and just watch tv all the time. She is playing wonderfully now and keeps asking me to play cooking with her and i just can't....she looks so beautiful and is clever and funny and she is so excited about everything and is wonderfully well behaved 90% of the time....I just have no control over anything...my life, my home, my weight...when I get like this I always want to cut off my hair and I have been resisting the urge for days but it is getting worse and worse...I know I could just go to the hair dresser but the lady always asks so many questions and I don't have the energy to make up the story of why I want so much cut off (my hair is between my shoulders and bra strap and when I get like this I normally take off about four or five inches or more with a pair of nail scissors!)....I am worthless....i feel so weak even talking to you now, so pathetic...what am I expecting..some mircle cure....I found that fairyfly or fly fairy or whatever and thought, I could do that...sounds great....step by step path to organisation....but can't bring myself to start as I would hate to fail at yet another thing...sorry...sorry...thanks for letting me rant....don't feel any better yet...maybe later on...

[MsBionic]

Firsly big hugs...I know some of what you are feeling

Secondly - STOP! Please stop pilling more things on your plate..You are only human. House moving is crap enough as it is (with Depression its hell) but taking on School Govenor aswell - your setting yourself up to fail.

PLease give yourself a chance, a breather otherwise you will carry on spiralling

Also consider AD's again. I was on them for 5 years after having my second child (mine was Cipramil and recommend them to anyone as you still feel 'normal' on them). I know 5 years seem a lot but I had so many things happen to me I felt the time wasn't right. But now I'm off them and have been for 3 months and feel great. The stress has eased now but if it wasnt for those blessed pills I don't know what I'd have done

So please, please stop beating yourself up..this isn't your fault - things have just got to much and you and your body needs a break


Chin up things will get better if you let them

[HazelnutsRoastingOnAnOpenFire]

Hiya again Funky2603. Sorry you are feeling low again, so Loads of ((((((((Hugs)))))))) for you.

MsBionic is right, you can only do so much and you are putting loads on your plate.

I think the site you are on about is FLYlady.

We have threads each day that are to do with FLYlady. They are in "Good house keeping" under the names of Days of the week " Monday" "Tuesday" etc and there is just 1 thread for the weekend called "the weekend thread"

You Start with whats called "Baby Steps" and then work up wards. We have the threads to keep us going and a little chat, well done for house work done etc. You don't have to worry that you have not done anything, I have not done much today at all. Just pop in the threads. and have a read and come and say HI. You will be made to feel very welcome. (I was ) and the threads and people in them, do help you feel better in yourself.

That will help you feel better about yourself. You don't have to bleed your heart out but you can rant and we are there to help. I will put the link to the todays thread in a mo.

[HazelnutsRoastingOnAnOpenFire]

Here you gotodays FLYlady thread

[Funky2603]

Thank you, once again, went to have a lie down after my splurge and calmed down a bit. May try the FlyLady thread. Am seeing GP next week about another problem but may well ask about ADs as I have pretty much run out of fight! Thank you so much ladies.

[MsBionic]

Just remember taking AD's isn't a sign of failure - your mind needs a little TLC that's all and just because people can't actually see your pain doesn't mean it doesn't exist..

Best of luck and loads of hugs

x

[Funky2603]

Have been to GP today and he has agreed that a short course of ADs may well be the answer. He has also referred me to a local support group and I have got a place on a five week course (although missed the first week) as the lady who runs it thought it would be better to start now having missed the first week rather than wait til the next course which starts in Jan. Have not started tabs yet, will start tomorrow. I do feel like I have 'caved in' but have been feeling so low recently and have a lot to deal with in the next few weeks, I felt I really didn't have any choice if I want to ensure my sanity, my dds safety and happiness and the love of my husband. Hopefully 6 to 8 weeks will do the trick...thanks to all for your support. I will pop back with updates xx