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Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

MNHQ have commented on this thread

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Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Mental health

How suicidal do I need to be to go to hospital?

33 replies

Isthisabreakdown · 27/04/2015 22:30

I can't cope. I can only cope if I just lie in bed. Being up and about triggers huge anxiety and hopelessness.

I keep fantasising about cutting my throat. Rationally though, I know I can make myself not do this, at least for now. I have been bingeing on food and I keep having the thoughts about cutting, maybe not my throat at first but I want to cut my arms or legs. I want to feel something sharp to calm down and if that doesn't work I'm not sure what to do. Except I'm planning on going to the shop to buy more food to binge on, so does that mean I'm sort of in control?

I can't believe my life will ever get better. I'm too far gone. There's nobody who can help. I did get an earlier psychiatrist appointment but it's three weeks away and there's not going to be anything she can do.

There is nothing that can be done because I am a waste of space and the sooner I die the better, frankly. I'm just such a procrastinator I can't make myself do it. I know I should, but am reluctant.

My head is a total mess and I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to have two job interviews now this week and I want to die because I'm exhausted. I feel happy I got the job interviews but it's like they are for somebody else in a movie and the day to day stuff is my reality and I can't do it anymore.

OP posts:

Report

ShouldIworryornothelp · 27/04/2015 22:32

At the very least you need medical attention. Please at least call 111 and ask for help

hesterton · 27/04/2015 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Isthisabreakdown · 27/04/2015 22:34

They can't do anything. The crisis team will ask me if I'm going to do anything right now this second, and I don't think I am. I feel like I should eb able to control everything better.

OP posts:

Stoatystoat · 27/04/2015 22:34

Pretty much like you are talking now is a good point to go to the hospital.

Ring samaritans also - 08457 909090

You are not a ware of space. Short listed for two interviews! Someone wants to meet you. That's amazing. And amazing you could even cobble together an application at this time in your life.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Keep talking my love.

You are procrastinating because you don't want to do it. Great human being.

Stoatystoat · 27/04/2015 22:35

*waste

TheAssassinsGuild · 27/04/2015 22:35

Please call the Samaritans.

08457 90 90 90

xx

ShouldIworryornothelp · 27/04/2015 22:35

The other option is if you have a mental health worker to call the crisis team for support

BifsWif · 27/04/2015 22:35

Please call 111 OP. You are not beyond help, I promise.

We're listening if you want to talk x

ShouldIworryornothelp · 27/04/2015 22:36

You're having suicidal ideation. Please get RL support be it from 111, 999, crisis team or samaritans

stitch10yearson · 27/04/2015 22:38

I wouldn't bother with 111. You need to see a GP who is going to be able to actually help you, not someone who will just tell you to go to A&E which isn't really the place for you. You have said yourself that you can stop yourself committing suicide right now. What you need is longer term support. You say you don't think anyone can provide that right now, but it can be found, eventually. You just need help finding it. The best place to start is your GP. Book a double appointment at least. Then please try to engage in whatever he/she suggests.

Do you have children ? Are you the sole carer for them? as long as you aren't, then its not to bad. But if you feel they are at risk, then please get them some help. as in someone to care for them. your mom, their dad, someone.

Akire · 27/04/2015 22:41

OP please ring the Samaritans they will know if there is any other immediat support in your area.
Just Because you are not planning to do anything "right now" dosnt mean you should just be coping fine by yourself. You are obviously not well I should be getting abit more support to stop yourself getting into a worse position.

Instituteofstudies · 27/04/2015 22:42

isthea, you sound as if you feel worse then when you last posted. It's good you have got your psych appt brought forward but if you feel you aren't coping, then 3 weeks is too long to wait. You def sound like you need to see someone urgently.

It's probably no use me saying you are NOT a waste of space. You've been through a hell of a lot and are understandably feeling very anxious and depressed. Depression can often cause a feeling of being outside yourself looking in and feeling as if you are in some sort of surreal landscape, even when you are somewhere totally familiar. I can remember that feeling so vividly. It's just horrible and so upsetting. The other thing about depression is that it often makes you think that how you feel now, is how you will always feel and that it won't ever change. And that makes you feel hopeless and as if there's no point going on.

It's impossible to believe right now, but you will feel well again. But please get help straight away if you feel that's what you need. only you know how you feel and whether a trip to hospital is what you need to do. Please, whatever you do, try to hold on to the thought that you absolutely DO deserve help and to feel better.

Isthisabreakdown · 27/04/2015 22:42

The crisis team can only suggest help if they think I am actually about to do something. Which I keep arguing with myself that I'm not. It's like my head keeps swinging between 'of course you're in control, just man up and keep going' to 'No you really need to die, it's sensible, and don't fuck around telling people because then they will stop you and you will be back at square one'.

The only thing that worries me is the pure calm feeling at the idea of just fucking doing it. That's what I have written in my crisis plan as an alarm bell, whenever I feel calm and logical and empowered by the idea.

OP posts:

Flashingflozziw · 27/04/2015 22:43

Please take yourself to hospital, I ve been in your situation and know how hopeless it can feel, it is an illness, and it can be treated, please speak to someone now, i was told to just walk into a and e and someone from the mental health team would be available 24 hours a day

ShouldIworryornothelp · 27/04/2015 22:44

OK, you've got red flags from your action plan showing, so what have you been told to do when these flags are waving?

Isthisabreakdown · 27/04/2015 22:47

No children, so nobody needs to worry.

I am very fully engaged with the whole mental health industry. I have had long term psychotherapy with a counseller who started out great but I was so un-fixable she ended up hating me. I have tried lots of pills. I take valium. I am on a wait list for group therapy in six months. I read and read and try to understand. Nothing has helped.

I know I'm not really a waste of space, but I feel like a horse with a broken leg. I need shooting. It's a terrible shame but there's this one grave injury that writes off the rest of my life, that I can't fix.

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YetAnotherHelenMumsnet · 27/04/2015 22:51

Hi there Isthis,
Sorry to see you're still having a tough time.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Isthisabreakdown · 27/04/2015 22:52

It's pathetic because I have no one. My crisis plan has an empty list of numbers that are supposed to be a mix of friends, family and professionals I call when this happens. But because I am who I am, I have nobody to call. My family will stop talking to me if I admit how low I am, there's no way I can call them like this.

I can go to the hospital and see the duty psychiatrist. The last time it happened they offered me a bed and then found they didn't have a bed spare and I seemed ok. I'm so gutted. The last time was six months ago and I thought the lowest time was behind me, and honestly I feel the exact same. Flat and hopeless and terrified at the fact I'm supposed to get up and be awake and conscious again tomorrow.

OP posts:

Isthisabreakdown · 27/04/2015 22:53

Of course, thank you to everyone.

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ilovemargaretatwood8931 · 27/04/2015 22:53

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I've been there, but obviously am not you, so not where you are right now iyswim.

Please keep posting here, and try the Samaritans.

Can you get to your GP in the morning?

Can you stay with anyone, just to keep you a bit safer?

Please stay safe. x

Akire · 27/04/2015 22:58

You have nothing to lose going to hospital tonight, they may not have a bed but it may help to chase up some support for you. Please ring up the numbers you have been offered you do have people who are willing to listen and more importantly have experience with this illness.

Instituteofstudies · 27/04/2015 23:05

The counsellor you saw sounds poor and very unprofessional. Don't let her stop you getting further support.

Your description of a horse with a broken leg sounds so familiar. I used to describe my state of mind as feeling like a wounded animal and just wanting to stay in my room where I could just 'be'.

You aren't unfixable. You've been through a hell of a lot and are still trying to cope with all you've had to deal with. It takes time to start to heal and it's not a linear recovery. You have good times and then take a step back.

I agree, phone samaritans or see a duty psychiatrist. As others have said, if your red flags are raised, then don't wait.

Keep reaching out. It probably doesn't help to know that other people have been where you are right now and have got better. Me for one. Keep going. Big unmumsnetty hug.

Isthisabreakdown · 27/04/2015 23:39

Thank you. Honestly I appreciate people taking the time to speak with me. The odd thing is I don't feel like I am depressed, just anxious and defeated. I don't feel depressed because I don't feel the world is a shit place or that there's nothing worthwhile about living. I just feel like I can't ever get out of the place I'm in to be able to do the things that make it worth living, because of circumstances.

I've just spoken to my friend who is distraught because another friend of hers has died suddenly leaving two daughters. This is driving me crazy - it should be me that died like that, not a mother of two young children How does that even make sense.

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Instituteofstudies · 28/04/2015 00:02

How terribly tragic about your friend's friend :( As awful and as unfair as her death is, that shouldn't have been you. It's just something utterly shit that makes no sense but your life is worth just as much as anyone elses.

Right now you are in a crap place that you can't see a way out of. But you won't always feel this way. It can and will get better. I remember saying "It's not just that I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel - I can't even see the f......g tunnel." There wasn't one aspect of life that was ok. Bastard husband, divorce from hell, no job, no home,multiple bereavements, massive debt. Just one nightmare after another.

It took years to rebuild a life and if anyone had said, when I was mired in misery, that one day, I'd be ok again, there would be no way I could have believed them. Circumstances change, things change, things you never thought of happen, but in time, with support and care, you won't feel like that horse with her broken leg. Get all the help you can. I never thought there'd be a day I wasn't on and didn't need, valium, zopiclone to sleep, beta blockers and anti depressants. But apart from the anti depressants I haven't needed the others for 5 years now. Sending healing thoughts your way.

Flashingflozziw · 28/04/2015 00:03

It doesn't make sense cos you are not well Hun, I m a mother of three and I ve be suicidal, what sort of mum did that make me? I m still ashamed that I thought of leaving my children , but I thank god everyday I m still here for them, please seek help x

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