Struggling with deep regret (sorry this is long)

[Breadwidow]

Here goes . . .

Am posting here because I feel the need to communicate these feelings but my poor DH is over hearing it, fed up with my anxiety/ regret and ruminations.

Basically I feel like I've messed up mine and my family's life because I had my second child too soon (out of selfish reasons) and I don't know how to move on.

It started with my husband and I deciding to move back to London from the countryside while I was on Mat leave with DS1. I got a promotion (Im a civil servant) meaning I'd be the earner and DH who'd run his own bakery where we were living would be a SAHD, with the plan to eventually set up a bakery in London. Selling our house was easy but finding somewhere in London on just my salary hard - we doubted the move many times and then bought a shared ownership place but the slog wasn't over. It is a new build and our move in date was much delayed meaning we spent 5 painful months living with my parents.

We had a honeymoon period after moving in summer 2013 but it was short lived. Autumn came and with it feeling skint, a change in role for me at work and DH was depressed about the bleak prospects of ever setting up a bakery in London due to the expense. I began to seriously regret the move. DH said it was a wobble and down to the changes at work, but I disagreed (wrongly I think now) and became obsessed with returning to the country. So obsessed we conceived DD2. For me she was the ticket home - the plan was I'd get pregnant, convince DH we couldn't stay without my salary, sell the flat and return back to the safety of the countryside for me to enjoy maternity leave (6 months on full london pay in the county) with DH restarting a bakery there. DH was unconvinced and said we should stay but was keen to have another baby so happily tried for a baby. By christmas I was pregnant but when I found out I wasn't happy as DH felt we should stay in London - even thought about abortion knowing 2 kids would make things harder in London. Suffice to say I didn't do it (I did want 2 kids ultimately) and by Spring DH had come round to moving plan - he found a location for bakery where we used to live and we put our flat on Market (at much expense due to shared ownership fees) only for him to say we must stay in London by June. He searched for new bakery venues in London all summer to no avail. I panicked about money as the bump grew however the first couple of maternity leave were wonderful partly because the birth was amazing and my baby is gorgeous. Then the financial panic really hit me, so by October we were moving again and this time we stuck with it for quite a while . . . until late January this year - DH was doubting going despite us set to make loads on flat (we disappointed our poor buyers) but in the end our hands were tied as the business venue he found proved to be unsuitable in the end and without a bakery the reasons to go looked wobbly. We thought about moving elsewhere but ultimately decided we'd be better off staying put, I put in place plans to return to work early (after 6 months instead of 9) to not lose much salary and DH settled into role as SAHD for 2 kids. I got a new job (same pay) at a diff govt department which helped to sweeten the pill of returning to work but even then I knew I shouldn't have had my daughter. I had her to get DH to move and we didn't do it so now having 2 kids on one salary is just gonna make life hard. I wished we'd waited for a year or perhaps two before having her. And then the icing on the regret cake came when I found out my new dept pay 9 months full pay maternity meaning if I had waited to have Dd I wouldn't have had to go back so soon. I regret the timing of my daughters birth so much. I wanted another kid and i do love her but we should have waited and we didn't all because of my obsession with moving back when I should have sucked up being in London but waited on the baby front. I'm now knackered, overwhelmed at work cos sleep deprived and feel we are in the horrid rut with DH as SAHD, no prospects of a business in London and so much time wasted on the possible moves. I regret my behaviour back in that autumn 18 months or so ago when I didn't listen to DH and wished we'd delayed having our daughter. If we had, we'd have not been unhappy thinking about moving constantly, have more money (partly as cos of shared ownership we had to pay out nearly £600 to market our flat both times we did it!!), DH would have likely found bakery in London and I could have got my current new job before having my daughter and then got pregant later enjoying a better maternity leave deal. Most of all we'd have had a baby for the right reasons when more settled, so I would have been a better & more attentive mother. We are now in a position where I cannot see how my husband will ever get out of being a SAHD and I will always have to work full time as main earner when I'd rather be at home more, and we'll be perpetually skint. I don't know how to move on from these horrid what if feelings. DH says we have a nice enough life, things won't always be like this (him as SAHD) but I keep thinking it could have been so much better/easier/less stressful if I hadn't had my daughter for the wrong reasons. I'm having trouble sleeping & am going to see someone for anxiet related cbt on Monday but can they help me manage this deep regret

[holeinmyheart]

Gosh you are having a really hard time. But to be honest you are doing it to your self.
If you just think and stop making yourself stressed out, and realise that what is DONE is done.
No amount of anxiety, angst, handwringing is ever going to change what has recently happened.

However, to say that you cannot see anything changing is not realistic. Of course things will change. You are a hardworking person who is not at the end of your life, you are at the beginning of a different one.

Your DCs will get older, life will get easier and who knows what lies around the corner.
You are dog tired and this is affecting your perspective.

Think about the good things that you have. You sound as though you have a supportive DP and lovely children and you are young and strong, employed and clever.

As I said, nothing is going to change the past, but this doesn't mean that you can't think about your future with hope.

Try a Mindful course , it will help with anxiety.
Lot of hugs.

[Monstersinthegarden]

I'm sorry you're feeling so down. A lot of your feelings sound familiar to me. I am a sahm, which I never really wanted to be, and I sometimes feel like I am never going to be able to get back into a career again. I often regret the decisions I made which lead me here.
But, as you said, there is nothing you can do to change what has happened. You also have to remember that you can't know for sure what would have happened if you had waited to have your second baby. Things might not have gone how you are picturing, you might have been kicking yourself for not having a baby sooner! There really is no way to know, so you have to stop dwelling on it.

[SeraOfeliaFalfurrias]

You made the best decisions you felt you could at the time. There is absolutely no point dwelling on the past or the could-have-beens. Life is what it is, so all you can do is look forward.

Many women end up in the same position as your DH, but once your DC are in school, he can start to rebuild his career.

However, constantly looking back and wringing your hands about choices long gone is just pointlessly mentally damaging. I hope you can find a way to stop. My philosophy is never to regret anything, just to learn the lesson that mistakes teach you and to move on.

[boxoftissues]

I also have feelings of deep regret about becoming a SAHM. It wasn't really through choice. Now it is proving virtually impossible to get a job let alone my old career. Different circumstances but same deep deep regret about past decisions. I am very very slowly having to try and come to terms with how my life has turned out and accept it and try and move forward instead of constantly living with regret.

[Breadwidow]

Thank you so much for these kind messages, I know I need to stop thinking about it and move on. Finding out about the better maternity leave at my new job with colleagues saying 'I bet you wish you'd had your kids when working here' has made that a bit harder but I need to find the strength to let those comments go and not hold onto them. I'm just wishing I didn't know about it or perhaps had not taken my new job - it seemed really tough last week with a lot to learn and I'm thinking I made another wrong decision to move departments, hopefully it's just first week wobbles!

I'm hoping the CBT will help will the regret. My family have also mentioned mindfulness - are there any courses you recommend?

DH says the same thing about him being a SAHD not being forever. I'm hoping it's true as staying at home has affected his confidence. I have been thinking having a bigger gap between kids would have allowed him to go back to work sooner but obviously it's not helpful to think this way!!!

I compare myself to financially better off friends which doesn't help. I have one friend who is very well off and has made some pointed comments about my DH not working (hers earns mega bucks) and I find myself very affected by them rather than remembering we all take our own paths. I saw her yesterday which didn't help how I was feeling! Today I saw a friend who always has kind reassuring words (she should be a counsellor!) and we both agreed that it can be very hard to avoid these unhealthy wealth based comparisons when living in London.

[holeinmyheart]

Hi,
I can't recommend a Mindful course in London. I live miles away. However your GP or HV would probably help.
I did mine free. I just googled my local large towns and then responded to the link. I referred myself but it was organised through the NHS and the Mental Health team.
Just to say that when I started I thought it was going to be 'pants' It felt a bit airy fairy treehuggery.

Anyway it turned out to be life changing. I would certainly recommend it for anxiety.
I hope you are feeling a bit better. Hugs

[Breadwidow]

l'm not having much luck with finding free mindfulnesss courses in london but I should be starting CBT soon which I think will help. We do have some in a way quite good news on my husbands work front - he's found an affordable location for setting up his bakery and can do it working fridays / weekends so as I work compressed hrs with 1 day off a week it's doable without forking out loads for childcare before he's earning. I say in a way quite good news as I keep thinking that it would all be so much easier if we hadnt had our second child so soon - in fact would be perfect if I was pregnant now. I wish I could stop myself thinking like this - it seems to keep coming up in my head even though I don't want it to

[VictoriaPeckem]

Get yourself a copy of Sane New World by Ruby Wax - it's an excellent and funny introduction to Mindfulness. Google her TED talk in YouTube.

Get your doctor to sign you off sick for a while; give you time to bond with your lovely daughter.

[Breadwidow]

Got a copy actually -I read it a long time and need to re-read it, I started today actually. Am really unsure if I can get signed off sick - there's not much wrong beyond my stupid regretting and I've just started a new job. If anything, I feel that I could do with getting into the job to be less in my head

[Breadwidow]

After a few weeks of feeling better I have slipped back into the regret, constantly thinking about how things could be easier and better if I had made better decisions and not sought to be so manipulative in my reasons for having a second baby and instead been driven by genuinely wanting to. It could be tiredness, I don't know. It's helped to look at your responses again however I'm wondering what helped boxoftissues to move on?